Source
r/OCPoetry•
hpl002

Sink my Boat

Feedback Received!
I set about on my unforeseen adventure, 
	With will at heart, and a lust for venture.

	Deep in the abyss, I found a wandering soul, 
	with a body of an angel, but a heart of coal.

	I realised too late, when you had my heart at bay, 
	that my boat had gone ashore, and that I had to stay.

	In the midst of bliss, my keel has broken off,
	the result of your shallow mind, and my aching heart.

        My beloved vessel can travel no more, 
I am trapped in nether, with love as my chore.

feedback1: https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/7uz10o/fantasy/

feedback2: https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/7uk9oj/will_you_would_you_a_poem_by_my_active_gang/?sort=new

Posted Feb 3, 2018, 10:09 PM UTC

48
lmirise•

Hey, so I have a few notes.

  1. I think it would benefit from some structural work. The block of text brings down the quality of the piece to me.

  2. I'm not a big fan of simple rhyme schemes. Ending each line in a masculine rhyme doesn't really do it for me personally, and I think the quality of the work improves when the rhyming is a bit more complex.

Keep writing, you only get better with practice.

2
Professor_Seven•

Good stuff.

1
SisterofLingy•

I like how you structured the poem like a wave, but I think it could be more pronounced in that way. Like space out the three stanzas in the middle further, with the one in the middle being the furthest out, like a wave would be. I like the poem overall. Keep writing!

2
hpl002OP•

Thanks for the feedback, ill keep it in mind!

1
word4weird•

be sure to proofread for typos (ex. "nether" in last line)

1
pickapicklepipinghot•

Maybe it isn't a typo. The title is "Sink my Boat", and nether essentially means below.

2
word4weird•

ohh damn, I feel dumb! Excellent turn of phrase then

1
hpl002OP•

Ha! not my intention, but i guess it worked out in the end. Appreciate the feedback!

1