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Topher216•

First, I like the idea of personifying freedom as a woman. I'm not sure I've seen that done before, and I might like you to extend the poem to explore that potential a bit more.

Second, I feel like "city" and "all humans" is kind of contradictory. Is it just this one city, or is it really everyone across the world? Would "the people" be more appropriate? Could you make

all humans together

with joy and newfound love

a bit more concrete? Like, create some imagery to show us the joy and love (you know that old advice, show not tell)?

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Atari2OP•

Thanks for the feedback, so, city is supposed to be a synecdoche, to indicate all of the earth, but I understand it could be interpreted as you did, so it's everyone across the world, each one in their own city. The stuff about making the thing a bit more concrete, you are right, I tend to not show imagery in my poems, that's cause I wanna leave space for who reads to create some of their own but I guess in this instance is kinda needed. I'll do probably a second draft of this expanded and with corrections. P.S. I am not native English and I started writing in English just recently so please be kind if sometimes I choose poorly!

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