English classes
I remember english classes-
Envy eyes and starched up clothes
Teacher said I knew all the answers
Birthing poet and his prose
I moved in one direction since then
Floating in a glitzy dress
Behind these rhinestone words
Fleshed out layers of pretense
I write in 5 Poptart flavors
Stacked in a thousand shelves
Statements with an expiry date
For souls who can't find themselves
I do a solid impression
Of someone who has lost his love
Or someone who hates our culture
Like what I'm doing now
But my poems are no more than mud tracks
For you to follow and stop by
I'm waiting under an insect lamp
And dreaming up a different life
Nitrogen phrases, filling up space
I'm saying something relevant
Timelessly dancing in metaphors
Tell me how I touched your glassy heart
So I can gold frame myself and my art
Posted Mar 14, 2018, 4:32 PM UTC · edited
Straight out and out, no frills:
Lose the third stanza as its relevance to the rest of the piece is highly dubious, and it offers very little. The odd line towards the end can go too, it disrupts the flow and also offers very little to the rest of the piece.
I'd look at whether or not you've snipped lines back to fit the syllable count at too heavy cost, a lot of the piece reads as though it's been cut back a little too far!
I hope you don't take my bluntness as being rude, it's late here and I wanted to offer short feedback, but there's a lot to consider. I did very much enjoy the piece, especially the initial more visceral stanzas - keep up the good work :)
Thank you for the feedback. I used the third stanza cuz I wanted to draw an analogy between the work of the generic instagram/tumbler poet and stuff that is sold in the supermarket, stuff that's consumed once and forgotten. But now that I think of it, I guess this parallel would make sense if was writing about the music industry and how commercial modern pop songs have become etc etc. Do you think I should try thinking of a different metaphor or just drop it?
And yes I did do some awkward editing and snipping. And no, it wasn't rude. Your feedback made me go back and read my poem once again, and I definitely need to change it up a little.
Ah ok, hearing about the your intention with the second stanza now, I can see where you're coming from. I think it might be better to keep the stanza and ground it a little more, all of your other stanzas maintain direct narration, yet the third falls deeper into the abstract. Perhaps looking at a way to change the presentation might be a good idea? I'm sure a few tweaks would put it back in line with the rest of the piece and clarify your intentions.
Don't let the structure hold you back! (he says, having little grasp on structured poetry)
I've found that often certain parts of my first draft that have been omitted from the piece for the sake of syllable count (or other mumbo jumbo) turn up again as suggestions for improvement when I post here. Although the balance is a tough one to strike.