ALPHA
your voice— a drawl that tames all that is wild and unbridled within me— speaks directly to the wolf inside my bones,
enticing her to howl at the moon.
Posted Mar 19, 2018, 5:51 PM UTC · edited
813
This is completely glorious. That's exactly how I feel.
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I really like this concept!
My only question is – and maybe I am misinterpreting this – but is it perhaps a bit contradictory? At the beginning, you say that the voice tames the wild within you, but then it entices you to howl at the moon (which I interpret as an act that is free and wild – not tamed). Or was the contradiction intentional? (like, the lover both tames and also frees you simultaneously?) Just curious. Either way, I really like where you’re going with it. Thanks for sharing!
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yes it was intentional but i was worried that wouldn’t be clear. i’m not sure if there is a way to clarify it. thanks for this feedback. it confirmed how i was feeling about it and answered a question about how it’s being interpreted. 💕
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what would you say is wrong with the formatting? to me it looks how i intended it to.
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yeah i can see some merit in that. i feel that it takes away from the kind of punch with each line that i’m going for. totally a preference thing. thanks for the feedback!
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That word 'unharnessed' is good vivid imagery but really obstructs the flow of the poem. Notice that all your words are shorter except for that one; it reads distinctively clashing.
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damn, you’re right but i reeeallllly like that word! haha
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does anyone have any suggestions for a shorter word to replace ‘unharnessed’ ?
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Just a couple thoughts. Use if you want.
- My first choice: unbridled.
This works well on a couple levels for me. The alliteration, staccato, and rhyming of “wild” and “unbridled”. Second, a bridle is what you use to control a horse. When a horse is off a bridle, it’s wild and impossible to control. When I think unbridled, I think a wild mustang. This seems to tie what you are saying all together in an “animalistic” way. - Second choice: unshackled. The alliteration is good. To me shackled paints a more vivid picture.
I really really like your writing. “Extramarital” was powerful. Use if you like. If not, not a big deal. 😘 😉
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i LOVE the unbridled suggestion!!! i’m sold!! THANK YOU SO MUCH for taking the time to give me these suggestions and for the kind kind compliment on my other poem. 😘😘😘
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Great, thank you. So glad you liked it. I really like how it reads and flows now. I really like the imagery in this poem too...question...what does the howling at the moon symbolize/mean to you? I’m very curious to hear the meaning as it relates to the first part of the poem (the taming of the wildness).
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I'm going to be honest, while I like the language/imagery and the idea behind the metaphor, I have a hard time taking it seriously with the amount of cringey wolf media I've already witnessed. I get that you're trying to capture a dominant, powerful lover or whatever but I'm not really sure why as a reader I should care, to be blunt. In this E. E. Cummimgs poem for example, he captures the same sentiment but in a deeper way.
https://m.poets.org/poetsorg/poem/somewhere-i-have-never-travelledgladly-beyond
In it, he's basically saying that it's his love's fragility that paradoxically holds so much power over him. As a reader, we have this sort of intimate insight into their relationship, and most importantly into the narrator's unique and honest perception.
I would try to go deeper, if that makes any sense.
thank you so much for this thoughtful input!!