Hey! Thank you for taking the time to reply and read my poem. Yeah, I understand what you're saying especially with "overtly opening obliterated origins". Would you suggest I take out overtly? 
And yeah, I had only used it to line 12 because I wanted them ending to be more personal to me? I'm not sure if that makes sense or not. Also, I don't think with only alliteration that I'm skilled enough to convey what I wanted in the same level like I did in piece. But I shall re-work it for sure!
Thanks so much for your feedback, I honestly appreciate it! 

I can see that you really enjoy using alliteration! My two cents is that I find alliteration with more than two words to sound quite contrived. For example, "hurting her heart" and "battered and barren" sound great, but "overtly opening obliterated origins" gives that sort of feeling when someone is using very long, little-used words in an effort to sound smart. Do you know what I mean? 

In addition, this theme of alliteration is only that for three quarters of the piece. Lines 12 to the end have no alliteration, and there isn't any particular shift in tone or narrative that (in my opinion) would behoove a shift in usage of poetic devices. It just comes off as that you had an idea that lost steam somewhere along the way, but you finished anyways.

That said, I did enjoy the narrative a lot. I really like how you compared love with the work of a farmer, and that you have to tend to it for it to grow. Nice work!

In conclusion, I think you should tone down the length of your alliterativ

Yeah man! I think that you're right, im deffo going to re-work it, and will also take this into consideration and practice in my next pieces. Thank you so much for taking the time to not only read my poem, but also give me feedback. Really appreciate it!

So the metaphor works and I really like the ending, but I'd agree that the alliteration is too much. In poetry, alliteration is often equated to spice. If you have too much spice then you forget what the original food even tasted like. Here I think it had the same effect and that it distracted more than helped. Definitely don't do it every line, and try to keep it to a 2/3 word maximum.

I've gotta say, this is pretty beautiful. I like how the man is described like a farmer down on his luck, as that gives the impression that both lovers are withered and beat-up before finding comfort in each other.

The rhythm is nearly spot-on when I read it out loud, but there's just that one problem of alliteration. I know what I try to do with alliteration is to use it sneakily instead of obviously. I'll litter a line with words starting with the same letter, but between them, there'll be words not starting with that letter. Sometimes I have those interlacing words share their own letter that they start with. It sounds musical without being forced, and I think this might work for you too. For instance, you could say, "A soulful and careful seed sown / Caresses the soil on its way down."

Anyway, those are just my thoughts. It was a great read overall!

I would echo the same sentiments of the previous commentors. Alliteration is most satisfying when it's natural and not forced. So rethink much of the diction for the first 3/4 of the piece. Lines like "Overtly opening obliterated origins" are unappealing because it sounds very forced. Other than that I would like to add that while I like the story elements and imagery you bring. Build on to what you have made. Add some more details of the farmer, maybe cut lines like "hurting her heart" and just create the line "her heart battered and barren". The line "on the cusp of chivalry doesn't do much for me either. Thank you for posting! Post more when you have the time

Tread tentatively,

For she silently seeks solace in love.

Pristine pupils,

Overtly opening obliterated origins 

Hurting her heart. 

Battered and barren, 

A soulful sentimental seed sown,

Submerges slowly into soil. 

The fortified farmer forgoes 

His last resource, 

A sacrificial service 

On the cusp of chivalry. 

For when the sapling blooms

And your petals yearn to be

Blown in the wind, 

I hope you remember the love 

That you once sought. 

Feedback 1: https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/85r9k7/background_noise/dvzli6i/

Feedback 2: https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/85mwq9/halflife/dvzp8ij/
                                   









The Farmer (Let me know what you think please :D)