Thank you so much for your kind words. I spent a long time trying to avoid writing this with cliches and I'm glad it came through, though you're likely right about gentle sway, it is sort of unnecessary. 

So I would definitely axe "gentle sway," because it's way too common, and if you think about it, sway already conveys gentleness in motion. Would reconsider phrasing there. 

What the poem does right is capture a geniune, vibrant moment of attraction without using cliche, and I think that's very powerful. So many poems are about two peoples' eyes meeting or whatever and it's so cliche, but here the focus on the small, sensual moment is really well done, because in the end it's those little details that take our hearts in the end.

Liked this poem a lot!

This is a beautiful poem, i am now starting to write some myself and 
reading well written ones is a tool.
I love the way you describe these..emotions.

I appreciate the input, I honestly couldn't think of a way to insinuate her breasts without being even blunter

Here’s my own invalid opinion. I don’t like the word “stopped” on line 2. It just doesn’t evoke anything from me. I think better words would be something like “halt” or “rest” depending on what you’re going for.  
  
Secondly I don’t like the word “form” because it feels too ambiguous. I don’t know what to imagine when you saw form apart from a silhouette of a random person or some sort of shadowy monster like figure. Idk, it just feels like a dull, blunt word to me.  

Bathed in carnal red,  
from light that stopped upon your shoulder.  


A strap which failed to hold its perch  
left my breath aching upon the form it revealed,  
the skin left pale without sun.  


Though I knew I was the crowd to your gentle sway,  
I hope you held the peace I thought you had,  
when you were crowned by those lights  
and I was left with your form upon my mind.  


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https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/86vhqp/otherwise_its_a_burden/dw87l60/
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/86ugvv/tema_port/dw87vvl/


Though I never saw your face I fell in love