No, I think we can both be right. Like I said, not the best way to word it. Traditionally, you would go with "no more alive". But idk. That's too boring to me lol. I like lines like that where they don't really sound right and make you stop and think. 

Thank you!

Yeah I get what you're trying to say... maybe I just have a habbit of overthinking stuff.

So, you would technically be correct and I supposed that's not the best way to write that part.

 But the way I imagined it while writing is this: marionettes are inanimate objects, but it's someone's job to make them appear full of life and self-reliant. So tying it back into my theme, I am the "lifeless" marionette; my actions and words appear my own, but the parasite is the puppeteer. Pulling the strings and calling the shots behind a curtain. No less alive than the parasite allows.

I like it!  
But doesn't  
>until you've become no less  
alive than the marionettes and string

Mean that you're more alive than the marionettes and string, which you've always been?

(edit) it's a double negative

Really great feedback! Glad you were able to enjoy it despite the flaws. Thank you

All in all this poem was good but it uses several cliches somewhat roughly, while not always bad it’s important that you aren’t sloppy with it.

Cliches you used include:

-Marionettes and string to symbolize life is hollow and we’re all puppets underneath
-And this is less of a cliche and more of a direct statement used poorly, “hiding inside my shame”

Something  hiding in its own shame, while superficially flows lacks depth in relation to the theme of a parasite gnawing within, this causes a slight juxtaposition between imagery and statement that overall effects the tone and balance


Other than that poem was pretty alright

I like the poem.  It describes a feeling I am very familiar with.  That feeling when you’re so overwhelmed your body shuts down and you go on autopilot. (also depression)

The image that you are floating in water is so universal.  I wonder where it comes from.

Thank you! I really don’t like rhyming in my writing but this time it just worked and I wanted to try it without feeling restrained. 

Your English is great btw, thank you for reading

I'm only a fan of rhymes if they are used this way.

There's so much we don't know about our parasites. Even though we all have our own, some seem to overcome the humans without them even noticing it...

Loved it. Nice theme :)

PS: Sorry for the English, not my first language! :)

I tend to ignore comments about cliches. Not a reason to ignore your feelings. What you wrote is another angle at something we all have felt and it has value. Well done.

    Ghouls are casting shadows on my brain
    My head is above the mantle once again
    I can hide from the world inside my shame

    It’s so healthy,
    the way we hold
    our bodies under bodies of water
    and decay to mold

    Hosting the parasite
    that ceases the nerves inside
    and tells your brain not to try 

    Let it linger and feast
    until you've become no less
    alive than the marionettes and string
    that fray under all of the stress
[1](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/8azbj5/the_moderate_haiku_pair/dx3kqqt/), [2](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/8a6oba/ivy/dwwcbvx/)

Hosting the Parasite