Thank you very much! 

I love the "Whose hands are these" suggestion. It flows much better that way. 

Would it sound better for the fourth stanza to end with something like "Before you run out of air"? 

Every stanza besides the second flowed well. You seem to have deviated from the trochaic trimeter that you incorporated in the first stanza, that, not being too problematic if you had done a similar pattern that you did for the  third stanza (after the interlude), where the first line would end with a short break whereby the following would explain it, as if to convey annoyance. The second stanza grows in syllables which is exaggerated by the addition of syllables from the third and fourth line. Be that as it may, you might be able to solve the whole stanza by just changing the last line "Hands unbound yet with no purpose" to something like "Whose hands are these?" (four syllables like the line preceeding, and reads quickly like the rest of the stanza)

Also, I think "Be you kill yourself" in the fourth stanza could be written to be less literal, as you've made it clear what the poem was about through "Primed with misogyny". That line feels cliche.

I really liked the theme of the poem

wisemacaron agrees ;\)

thank you for your input

this is such a cop our answer, but its always been my belief that, before conventional wisdom, the heart of the poet is what matters the most. so take that as you will

Yes the style is definitely intended to be more of a spoken word piece, or I guess you could call it an unspoken mind piece ;\) 

The flow I actually changed from what I had right before posting. 

Should I keep it circular, or change it to what I had it ending with before with some edits inspired by tamip20 \(see below\). I repeated the intro again later on in the poem. Wasn't sure if it was too predictable though so I had taken it out. 

I guess it's still not very happy. Didn't really intend this piece to be though. I wasn't very happy at the time haha. This was more of an outlet piece for my own brain so I could fall asleep.

"Spray some perfume, darling

To cover the toxicity of your life

Open up the windows, sweetheart

Before you run out of air 

Smile honey, He says

Isn't this what you wanted?

Smile honey, She says

It'll be over soon

And you breathe

Only to hold your breath again"

this is cool, the intro stanza introduces a certain syllable scheme that's abandoned basically immediately which threw me off but I once read more as a spoken word piece it flowed better.  

I like the strong feminist message (is that fair to say), i'm getting a strong sense of like moral hatred, if that makes sense. I like how the are these moments of really blunt and brutal honestly, cover the toxicity of your life, where you side step poetry clichés and just tell a great and emotional narrative, that's really powerful. 

if I had one complaint, really, it would be that its kind of circular, it works in context of the poem but I would prefer it felt more satisfying a conclusion, maybe not a happier but at least a more satisfying one.  

this is really great, regardless. thank you for sharing :)

**Paint**

Smile honey, He says

As you walk past briskly

Smile honey, She says

Stop drawing attention

&amp;nbsp;

It's a painted walk of life

Caked on layer by layer

Until you're unrecognizable

"Who you are isn't good enough"

&amp;nbsp;

Primed with misogyny

Taped with etiquette

Legs crossed, tongue tied

Hands unbound yet with no purpose

&amp;nbsp;

And as the last layer is finally drying

&amp;nbsp;

Spray some perfume, darling

To cover the toxicity of your life

Open up the windows, sweetheart

Before you kill yourself

&amp;nbsp;

And you breathe

Only to hold your breath again

&amp;nbsp;

Smile honey, He says

Isn't this what you wanted?

Feedback:

[https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/8cg4cj/another\_unfinished\_poem/](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/8cg4cj/another_unfinished_poem/)

[https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/8cbx8e/business\_trip/](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/8cbx8e/business_trip/)

MacaronJournal1.

Not about smiling