Source
r/OCPoetry•
eiffelmoscow

how could you

Feedback Received!

like a bitter wine
the malice within your words
took me by surprise.

where was the nectar
and the fragrance of your love
past that i longed for –

the sweet nothings that
you had whispered on the nights
when we were entwined?

a cold moon will look
over me tonight; in it
will i see your face.

tonight the sky holds
no stars beautiful and bright;
my heart aches for you –

the you who wanted
to embrace and leave me so,
the you i don’t know.

harbinger of loss
is a love so strong and true.
it was never real.

how did you and i
become kindred spirits, if
this was our sad fate?

nepenthe, come to
my aid; free my heart and mind
from this pain so deep.

( https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/8hrx0x/leave_him/ and https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/8hk3d5/medusa/ )

Posted May 8, 2018, 1:06 AM UTC · edited

24
lauko-osu•

I have only a question - did you miss adding a question mark here:

will i see your face**?**

Or did you mean to write

i will see your face.

I mention both options only because given how the prior two lines are written I was unsure of which seemed more likely to be the case.

Aside from that, I see nothing else needing of clarification on my end. It's a lovely poem.

1
eiffelmoscowOP•

Hello! And thank you!

I meant it as “will I see your face” – it is pretty interchangeable with “I will” but I believe putting the verb before the subject phrases it more like a question, reflecting the doubtfulness in the statement. I hope this answers the question, thank you for your kind compliment and critique.

2
inkazak•

Cool. There are few things I really like about this. First of all, I love the wine analogy and would have for you to have taken that throughout the poem. I really like the line "Tonight the sky holds no stars". I also like the idea of referencing Nepenthe. Again, it would have been cool to see that built up a bit more. Maybe mention something about a carnivorous plant (would it be to much of a reach to try to it into the grapes that were made to use the wine?) And just a few more observations. You had a few cliches in here that seem to detract from the message and tone of the piece. "took me by surprise", "sweet nothings" "my heart aches" and "sad fate" could all be revised. Maybe try being a bit more descriptive and asking your self what you are really trying to say with those phrases.

1
eiffelmoscowOP•

Thank you! The plant idea is very interesting, I like your perspective. I should probably avoid the cliches, you're right; and I do like using lyrical, unusual wording.

1