[2719] Six

Critique 1a

Critique 1b

Critique 2

Hey there. I’m hoping for some feedback on the start of a short. The entire thing is written, but quite long (~8k words), so I’m only posting the start of it. The story is about a young man in a city in chaos trying to return home to his wife hours before the world ends.

The piece is here

A few notes/questions:

· FYI, there’s a bit of graphic violence (hence nsfw tag)

· It's written in present tense and I've omitted quotation marks from dialogue. Both of these were done to give the story a more dreamy feel, and also out of necessity to serve the ending. The present tense is particularly necessary for the end. That said, does the gamble seem worthwhile thus far? Is it distracting or problematic?

· The flashback here is one of many throughout the story that ties directly with the story's main theme. However, does this feel jarring or misplaced in a BAD way?

· Is the character likable, well-realized, etc.?

· Any mechanical recommendations for description, etc.?

· Would you continue reading?

Since this isn’t the full story, I won’t need feedback on the ending, or the themes, etc.

Thanks friends.