"The Spoken Word" (Story of Suffering & Spiraling written by 16-year-old​ [me] in a ​psych ward​)

Poem first, context at bottom

Italicized: Quiet

Bold: Emphesized

Normal: regular volume

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I look at a pen and I see a blade...

I try to express my feelings through writing and cutting,

but both are forbade...

As I sit on the balcony I get told to stay safe,

But how do you stay safe when in your ability you don't have any faith?!?!

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"It's your fault!" is said as I hang my head,

how do I control myself wanting to be dead?

In the end it is my choice,

but I need to work on speaking up because I don't feel like I have a voice.

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I spiral down and down less likely to be found

more likely to be buried six feet underground

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The mask I wear is starting to tear...

There's a flash of emotion like the beams of a solar flare.

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I drop the blade juggling act as my true feelings I used to lack come back.

Fuck this shit I say as I lay trying to start a day

Why can't I have a bae?

24 hours without being called gay?

Always forgave others,

saw bright sides never the gray

And still God you make me pay?!?

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A little kid working 100 times as hard to be "normal" in the schoolyard

Sent home to a father that gives punches not hugs and comforts with "retard"

Happiness is fragile, 15 years of blows and bursts into shards

Name?

Jonah...

Meaning?

Dove...

Sane?

Could have been...

Meaning?

A small kid giving 100 chances each for nothing in return...

Not even a lifeline of love.

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Replies:

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/9g1trb/first_poem_shared_peaches/e6156ha

r/https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/9fynmo/my_first_poetry_post_untitled_feedback/e615qs0

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So if you want more context than just the poem then here you go. I won't go into detail because there would be too much to say, but the over view is that I have medical issues going on for pages getting multiple new ones added a year at this point. Not trying to make you feel bad for me or give me any extra support, just sharing my story. I am now a 16 year old in 11th grade and in the past 3 years I have had 5 suicide attempts. I was at PHP for 2 months, then sent to Residential for my depression for 30 days, sent to a psych ward for 11 days after attempting suicide twice at Residential, then sent back to Residential for another mont and discharged about 6 weeks ago. I wrote this while in treatment. I have been struggling again and thought it would be helpful to go back and revisit some of my poems.