Necessary Evil (feedback request)

You once told me that I had done things 90% of people hadn’t

That made me feel good, what a wonderful compliment

Until I leaned back and noticed I couldn’t be proud of 3/4 of it

You’ve told me time and time again that I must live in the future

I did up until the present hit me like a train and I jumped in front of it

The cop left bruises on my arm from his grip when he pulled me off the tracks

A great majority of us cannot say we have had the same experience

You were right, I stand apart from the majority, but who do I tell

I often sit in therapy wondering why I am subdued by shame and grief

But I see now that it is because I have little to take pride in

You once told me that my work was brilliant, but it was hurting me

They say art is a reflection of the artist and I have to wonder

Am I damned to be a catastrophe you can’t look away from

We tap our breaks when we pass a crash and survey the damage

I figure that is why I sleep alone each night, we all want to watch

Until we are the ones on the side of the road feeling the embarrassment

I used to call myself an empire but I see now I am a natural disaster

I am powerful, raging, hard to look away from, and damaging

At what point do we avert our eyes from those who hurt us

And look inside to wonder if we were the problem all along

A known fact about our world is the battle between good and bad

I am ashamed to admit that I am not the one who brings life into the room

My only attribute is that my chaos is often mistaken for fun

I know those who assumed were wrong because I am standing alone

You and a million others tell me it’s all in my head and perception

I need to remind you that perception is reality to all of us

Is it scary to think that there is no black and white in this world

A defined reality is only an illusion, we create the worlds around us

And you cannot tell me I am wrong because I see different than you

However you see the world around you, that is how it is

And I can ’t help but wish for a world without myself

I grew up believing that I was the princess who prevails in the end

But in the mirror I see a villain who brings hushed silence upon entrance

Stories would be boring without the villain, I keep telling myself

But this small act is only admitting that I am a necessary evil

People mistake me for fun because I encourage the devil on the shoulder

But being the devil is only fun for the day, you’ll be the angel tomorrow

I will be the same because the angel went out for cigarettes and ditched

You are right, I can change myself, it is a possibility

But there is some small solace in looking at myself and knowing who I will see

We all have parts of us we would rather not know but most will never meet them

The problem is when you meet them, they become impossible to get rid of

You can tell me everyday that the things I am ashamed of don't define me

But if my actions fail to define me, what will persevere

There are so many theories to humanity, why we do what we do

Is it who we are that defines what we do or is it backwards

Is it really what we do that defines who we are

I take a step back and wonder why I am asking, I am fucked either way

If it is who I am that made me sacrifice everything and jump, I am fucked

If it is my attempted suicide that defines who I am, I am fucked

I have often described myself as a pit that good things fall into

You tell me I am not, but where is the evidence of this claim

Often when good things fail, more good things come to replace them

But I’ve been sitting on the stoop for a while and there’s no sign of anybody

If I am a necessary evil and I take myself out, do I get to be a hero for a little

Critiques: https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/9n6gld/dont_drown_me/?st=JN43M5SH&sh=69cf86f4

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/9n5v1u/swan_song_feedback_request/?st=JN43U0XE&sh=74c8793e