Source
r/OCPoetry•
foolsfall

smoke break

Feedback Received!

it's fucking cold/and I'm wearing your nice coat/that you stole from your cousin who knocked your teeth out one Christmas/and you're wearing the shittier one because

well, because you're secretly really sweet to me

and I'm hanging off your shoulders/while I french inhale tobacco smoke/and you try to french inhale your frozen breath

you fool

and it's really fucking cold and you beg me to go inside/but it's quite clear that I have about four more minutes on this marlboro red here/and I quote that scene in sex and the city/ when the man won't let carrie smoke

"sir I have an addiction"

and you tell me I kind of look like sarah jessica parker/and I want to take it as a compliment/ but I'm not really sure if you meant it as sort of a jab

but your smile is very cute when you say it

and I tell you that you're grown/and that you have free will and autonomy/and that you can go inside if you want

but you don't, obviously

and you slide your hands under my coat/your coat/and put your hands on my waist/and they're so fucking cold/and I yelp and I giggle

and your smile grows even bigger

revealing those fake front teeth/that are just a slightly different color/from the ones that didn't get the business from your drunk cousin

and really, they look nice

and the song playing inside/drifts from the crack in the patio door/dance yrself clean/that lcd sound system song I sent you/when we were a thousand miles apart/both home for christmas

and I missed you so so bad but I didn't want to tell you that outright

because we promised to keep it casual/even though it isn't that at all/and we depend on one another as a sort of crutch in this cold and unfamiliar place

and sometimes you tell me you love me when you're really drunk and it's late at night

so I send you any song that I like if it has a synth in it/because you told me once that you like electronic music/and I don't really know what that means

but you told me you really like this song

so I put it on every playlist/to ensure that there's always a song that appeals to you when we're hanging out together/since you always let me play the music because

well, because you're secretly really sweet to me

and we're silent while it plays this time/and your hands have warmed up on my naked skin/and you just kind of hold me there/and sway a little bit/while I take one last long drag on this marlboro red

and I want to scream it out loud on this sober evening how much I love you

but instead I just drop the butt of this cigarette on the ground/and twist the sole of my tennis shoe over it/to snub the tiny ember/and we walk inside

wordlessly, no longer touching

and when the weather is warm again/six short months later/we part ways for the last time/and I give you a burned cd

the last song is dance yrself clean

but I don't write that on the track list/because it seems really corny/and we agreed to keep it casual

and I still don't want to let on that I know it's not

and that was years ago now/but I remember it as though my days are still punctuated by cigarette runs to the 711/and as though you still stand in front of the mirror, consciously inspecting your new teeth/and as though you never packed up and moved a thousand miles away

as though you still text me to come over even though basketball is on and you're going bitch about my smoke breaks

and I hear that song sometimes/because it still appears on almost every playlist I make/dance yrself clean/and I remember that night on the patio/and I remember how badly I missed you when I first sent you the link to it /and I remember how badly I missed you when you left

and I want to scream it out loud how much I still love you

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/9v2e76/on_your_mind/?st=JO7MHF81&sh=9c8067e3

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/9v24ht/reflections_on_the_field_of_empty_chairs_okc/?st=JO7MY3JZ&sh=251857ce

Posted Nov 7, 2018, 9:43 PM UTC · edited

218
luckistarz•

Thank you.

3
Instaloper•

Very much enjoyed this. The paragraphs of description balanced by the almost conspiratorial tone of the single line asides paints a really interesting picture of this relationship. Great content very nicely composed.

3
thepokemonGOAT•

This is beautiful and heartbreaking. Thank you so much for sharing

2
foolsfallOP•

thank you so much for reading&enjoying

1
bluefrogsfly•

Your story is so vivid, conversational, and clear. I love it too.. So full of poetic and ordinary explanations. As the reader I really felt the emotions of the narrator.. </3 saddd

2
walkerelwoodleigh•

I find it interesting how visual this poem is. The whole thing strikes me as a series of still images. From the beginning, where you describe the coat he "stole from his cousin" to the Marlboro cigarette that's continuously brought up, the whole thing strikes me as a kind of movie. I think you have an incredible talent for using description of the characters' surroundings, their clothing, and their possessions in order to tell the story for you, and to weave your story into a sort of visual fabric for the reader to unravel. This was especially disconcerting near the end, when you did skip forward significantly in time, so the expectation of a linearly moving narrative was thrown off. But I found that to be a very impactful way to end the story, and it was only made possible through this way of to delivering narrative.

2
corpus_cavernosa_•

I really enjoyed this. Vividly written, and just casual enough that I could totally feel what this relationship was and what it meant. Thank you for sharing!

2
MasticateMyDungarees•

Your language was concise and clear while still packing tremendous emotional weight. My last relationship was strongly correlated with LCD Soundsystem and now I'm crying. Thank you.

2