Me in the OPP thread like
Posted Jan 24, 2019, 12:56 PM UTC
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MOOD!
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To be fair, this is how i see all "poly" relationships that have hierarchy.
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I feel like hierachies that evolve naturally, based off some partners having a deeper/older connection or living together can be healthy, but, like OPP, the minute it becomes a 'rule' then it's probably unhealthy.
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That's not heirarchy though, that's just differences. It's not like each relationship should be identical, that's like saying your friendships should all be the same.
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This is how I see all "relationships" to be honest.
I think the freedom is more important than the poly aspect; it's about rules and coupling to me and the idea that someone else gets a say about your life.
There is "consent of everyone involved" for me because it's not their place to consent or not to what I do with other people in my life. They do not "allow" me to have sex with other people any more than the cashier at my supermarket "allows" me because it's not their place to allow and I would do it with or without their blessing.
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Look into Relationship Anarchy. It's pure bliss.
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It's one of those labels which once again means a thousand different things to a thousand different people and everyone describes and defines it differently.
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I haven't had a lot of problems with that with RA. It's pretty simple.
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I love how meta on niché stuff and the fact I am able to understand and agree with them. I didin't know about this but it just sound like bullshit (even a bit misogynistic if I may say) but well, it's a step towards, I think...
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I disagree that it's a step forwards. I think misogynist forms of non-monogomy turn people off the whole thing sometimes.
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Well, I am extra free and everything so i get your POV. But, if they are not possessive, it may be just a diversion (I don't give a fuck about you so I can avoid being moral on girls) or an actual opening (I am jelaous with guys and I need time to confront with this possibility); it doesn't have to be necessarily misogynistic, yet is a form of possession.
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Me in any poly thread: Find love regardless of the fucking retarded imaginary guidelines other polyamorous people put up based on their definition of poly.
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Anarchy! Relationship anarchy!
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One big difference in link and poly. Kink is much more accepting of different styles of relationship. Poly (online) has more of a one true way bend. But is what it is. Hopefully people find real world poly groups too.
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I mean there's a lot of overlap honestly, at least in my local scenes.
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Here as well
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"Peace among worlds"
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YESSSS
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I just explained this to my wife. It ended with me saying loudly "I'm the 1 penis. I'm the dickhead" as she nodded
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We had a OPP while we were trying to get pregnant. Tell me why I’m evil :P
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Cause condoms exist and there are absolutely other kinds of sex than PIV.
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medic! we have a severe burn victim here
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There it is! Opening up and becoming poly taught me to find the unique and personal version of a relationship that works for both of us and to stop worrying about what other people would think about it or let society dictate what relationships I’m allowed to have.
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What?
I don’t understand your analogy.
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and there are absolutely other kinds of sex than PIV.
Might be that that was allowed then though.
Like "make out with people with a penis all you want, fellate them, put the dick up your arse, just no risk of pregnancy okay"
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Which thread? I missed it, I guess, and I didn’t see it on the front page.
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You missed nothing. Don't worry about it.
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What if it is though? What is wrong with a couple practicing some version of non-monogamy that is not full blown poly? Monogamy has a “OPP” by default - are you against that too?
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But it's got a OVP policy too, which makes things equal.
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That's assuming all monos are straight lol
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Lol yes because you're still telling someone what genitals they're allowed to be attracted to. Not every monogamous relationship has a penis dude. Also sometimes there are two. If you're mono it's not about which type of genitals that you can have access to, it's that you're both agreeing to only have each others'.
And again, I'm against obligate exclusivity. If two people are content with just each other then more power to them. It's fine to have preferences. It's only toxic when you're trying to control and regulate the other person's behavior or shame their feelings because of your preferences.
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And anyone with good sense would leave immediately. Like I said, it's not something they have the right to have an opinion about. Being upset over your partner fucking someone with genitals you don't approve of is ridiculous and sexist and anyone who values such things lacks the emotional maturity to be in any relationship. You don't get a say in what other people do without you, especially if it doesn't affect you.
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My GF and I (M) don’t date other guys (we are both bisexual).
It was a mutual decision, not because of jealousy, but because the majority of men that we have met while dating are trash. In general they have been less respectful of boundaries and more pushy towards sex and getting more out of the relationship than we are ready for, and more derisive of polyamory. In general women have been much better to date, they have been more respectful and understanding of poly and friendlier towards metamours.
I don’t want my partner dating other guys because most men suck and we don’t trust them not to create problems and drama that effects our relationship.
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I don’t want my partner dating other guys because most men suck and we don’t trust them not to create problems and drama that effects our relationship.
wow that's a pretty misandrist view to hold
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Maybe, but it’s based on plenty of past experiences so I don’t feel like it is unjustified.
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If you’ve dated lots of other people and have had bad experiences with all of them, maybe the problem isn’t other people ;)
Just saying maybe a look in the mirror is in order
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Wow, way to victim blame
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Cool
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Yeah I definitely feel you on the "most dudes suck" front though, particularly if they're straight and new to poly. However, you do not have a monopoly on being a guy who doesn't suck. There's more out there, even if you're both deciding not to bother with them because they're so rare.
So the question you need to ask yourself is what happens if one of you meets an awesome dude? It's not like you have the right to tell each other who to date.
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Opp?
One Penis Policy.
So ENM setups where the women involved are only allowed to date women.
I mean, thats definitely not monogomy, but still weird and controling
One of the criticisms of OPP is that it can be read as the guys being ok with that structure because they do not see romantic relationships between women as 'real' relationships, thus the couple is still monogamous in his gut.
Yeah basically. I'm of the opinion that any relationship model based in obligate exclusivity is basically Monogamy Lite.
(There's an emphasis on "obligate" btw. It's fine to just have a preference for degrees of exclusivity, but it's not fine to demand it of others or get mad at them when they don't want the same thing.)
Hit the nail on the head with this one. My ex used to say that I could have girlfriends because I was bi and he understood my "need" to be with a woman. Whatever. I completely understood his real "need" to become jealous of my even talking to a guy that wasn't him.
So I have a lot harder time when my wife dates men than women. I don’t think it’s that for most men. After many hours spent thinking about it, here’s what I’ve figured out about myself:
So after 20 years of monogamy and living in the world, I’m trying to reprogram my brain and when I know my wife is experience sex with another man basically what happens inside me is:
That is basically what happens almost every time. The primary driver, I believe, is that since his body is more or less the same as mine my brain immediately says “if you were that great, she wouldn’t even want to have sex with him”. When she’s out with her girlfriend, my brain says “Obviously you can’t be that for her, you’re a man” and “If anyone finds out they’ll think it’s hot or sweet or both.”
This is how, as men, many of us are programmed all or lives. It takes a lot of work to undo it.
And one can see criticism of the OPP as
Both the policy and criticism of the policy can be oozing with sexism, or a personal preference that’s completely innocent. Stop judging with your “polyer than thou” crap.
Edit: The people stressing the difference between having a policy against dating men and a preference are likely the same ones who never believe a woman when she states it’s her own preference. I know multiple poly women who deal with that shit every time they say they don’t date men. “Oh husband won’t let you?”
Ew. Accurate. Ew.
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Where women are only allowed to date non-penis owners.
Women can have penises too and are affected by the OPP.
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Actually trans women are women by definition.
Just trying to clear up the language used.
Quite right. Hrm.. now I am kinda curious how various couples with OPP have handled such cases. The only cases I can recall rubbernecking were ones involving goreans, so OPP was really more about 'only one masculine uber master'.
And OPPs are almost always extremely transphobic.
A person in that thread asked why OPP was transphobic. And refused to accept any explication I gave them. I had to eventuality block them, even after telling them that they should seek other opinions if mine was not sufficient. They just would not stop.
What's it called when a woman can date whoever they want but a man is an evil cheater if he wants a girlfriend?
One Vagina Policy.
Not sure it really has a name. While it happens, it is not common enough to have developed a widely used shorthand term.
I have heard of cases where both parties are free to date other men but not other women, however they are pretty unusual.
I wouldn't know if it's not just as common; maybe people just complain about it less.
Like there was a poll a while back here which interestsingly showed that MMM triads were the most common triad on this sub but you never hear about them.
The explanation people gave is that people mostly come to this sub with problems and that maybe you never hear about MMM triads because they tend to be relatively free of problems.
The build up of resentment means those situations don't last long.
Source: I'm getting divorced
I call that a man in a toxic relationship.
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It's called dump the mother fucker already.
Monogamy.
I'm pretty sure the men are also not allowed to date men too.
Yeah, I'd argue that a OPP isn't ethical though...
It's not inherently unethical. It's just probably a dick move on one's part that suggests underlying/potential issues with the relationship, especially if the couple are going to continue to practice non-monogamy of any kind.
In what situation is a OPP ethical?
Well i had a relationship where i was allowed to only date women, but that was because he was allowed to date men and wanted it to be equal. I had no desire to date women though. I would say we were semi mono haha
Okay, I'm very familiar with OPP. But what's ENM?
Ethical Non Monogamy.
Yeah You know me!
I get that stuck in my head every time I see that term.
I was confused when I first saw this term...I was like, but isn't that sorta what poly is but ethical? Then I found out it was One Penis Policy and I was like I'm not down with that
Yeah you know me!
(Sorry, couldn't resist)