Source
r/Divorce•
rootnegative

"Our marriage hasn't turned out like I expected"

Vent/Rant/FML

Well, no shit. When you don't put in any effort, of course it isn't going to turn out how you want. When you refuse to engage and completely check out of the process, the result is inevitable.

The biggest thing i've learnt is life is not a disney movie. Sometimes things just don't work out, even though everything says it should. Sometimes people aren't who you thought they were and they aren't who they told you they were.

Posted Mar 24, 2019, 5:37 AM UTC

9332
dogs94•

Sorry. The problem is some people treat marriage like it is a badge....and then they are done.

I can tell you as a divorced and remarried person (my wife too) that you engage with your spouse a lot differently when you know they (a) know how divorce works and (b) probably still have a divorce attorney in their contacts from the last time.

When I express this sentiment, people say, "Oh that's sad. I'd like to be more secure than that." and all I have to say to that is then don't get married....sign a contract with a person that lays out how you and she will both behave every day.

Trust me, you'll be better off having learned this lesson now. Life can be so much more and so much richer when you both treat a relationship like it could be gone tomorrow.

18
JustDiscoveredSex•

This is getting rid of the myth of unconditional love. “I love you unconditionally!” Bullshit. That says that no matter what you do, I’ll still be there. I have zero limitations on what I’ll tolerate. You drained the bank account? I love you! You cheated from day one? I love you! You sold the baby to a gypsy caravan? I love you!

Nope. I have standards and expectations for behavior and boundaries and you will meet those expectations...or I’m out.

18
cosmic-diamond33•

You’re amazing because you hit it on the head. That’s my MO goin forward.

2
deblonky•

Those damn gypsy caravans! Foiled again!

2
StormlightZero•

I absolutely believe there’s no such thing as unconditional love, but there’s also no such thing as hyperconditional love either. Sure, everyone has standards, expectations, etc. But there has to be some compromise in there, too. More and more, I feel like a lot of people are so invested in their own wants and needs that they ignore or just don’t care about their partner’s wants and needs. I’ve seen it in some of my friend’s marriages and I’ve seen it in my own - which is why it’s ending. I’ll love someone again, but I think it will be a long time before I consider asking someone else to marry me.

2
RelationshipGone7•

Agreed. I’m not sure I would be married. I did the opposite trying to make it work, gave in and gave in to make a marriage work until I was light depressed because I didn’t know who I was and was still told I wasn’t compromising or doing enough. Now I think, I’m not sure I even ever want to date again. I was the friend that held out and didn’t marry young (midwestern standards) and watched all my friends divorce before I even got married. Thought I was doing it right. Trying to compromise, which wasn’t always easy. I used to be a very strong willed, ambitious person. Now I just feel broken and I’m trying to find who I am again. I’m afraid going forward now, I will be afraid to compromise, afraid to lose myself again. It’s also why I refuse to date now. Hahaha.

3
JustDiscoveredSex•

Moderation in all things.

If both parties have boundaries (like you seem to have), it helps keep things in balance.

1
three-of-wands•

When I said I love you, I meant that I accepted his behavior and thought we would be amazing together. After starting the divorce proceedings, I can tell you that true colors have come out. I'm not saying that I have not changed, because I absolutely have. I have demanded boundaries and respect for myself. It makes it harder because we have children together, but I think it's important for them to see both sides. I am a firm believer in "Let's deal with that now" and he's more of the "let's sit on this until it just goes away" person. Emotionally, we are absolutely incompatible and for a long time I carried the responsibility for being the burden but not anymore. I'm making moves to start my life over and I need only people who accept and understand that. I love myself and my family and my new life is going to be amazing (and difficult)!

2
misdreavus79•

At first, I treated our relationship like it could end any minute. We were happy. Then, I stopped believing she'd ever leave.

​

She left.

12
dogs94•

Yup.....that's pretty much how it can happen. Not saying that effort makes people stay.....it can happen to anyone, after all. But you're much less likely to be blindsided.

4
hd8383•

But that also sounds one sided. Marriages don’t last if one person is putting in 100% but the other isn’t. In this world, 100% + 100% = 100%.

Anything less from either person no matter how much one of you puts in, will never equal 100%

3
FuckYouChristmas•

Your a and b reasoning is fantastic (and made me laugh). Whoever says that's sad still believes in fairytale endings.

1
Anonymous0212•

I’m sorry.

14
rootnegativeOP•

so am I... for seeing the best in someone.

14
TryToHelpPeople•

That’s not a flaw, it’s essential for life. It comes with some shitty moments but makes a great person. Don’t lose that.

17
reddita_5•

You sound like me... I’ve been going to a psychologist since I filed for divorce. I want to make sure I don’t pick someone like my ex ever again! She told me I’m a pathological optimist.

What I’ve learned- hearts like ours are special. They should be treasured for seeing the best in others, not broken. Next time I’ll get it right.

A good psychologist is worth every penny. I highly recommend it!

17
spejsr•

You seem pretty jaded which is very normal since it seems it a fresh wound, but making a victim of yourself, demonizing your partner, being angry at the world and injustice of nature of relationships.. it all only hurts you and does not help anything or anyone in the long run.

Takeaway that life is not a Disney movie is spot on though.

9
tatrielle•

Yeah if anything the most important thing I've learned in marriage is playing the victim does not help you self develop at all. Relationships are definitely a push and pull movement of always trying to be better for the other person even if they or you keep falling down. No one is perfect but to have an honest communication and not demonize the other person is the key. It's hard to not be in that negative space 24/7

8
accidentalbaymax•

This hits very close to home. I'm sorry this happened, that people changed or revealed their true selves. Whatever step you are in on your journey, I hope you learn from it and discover one day it's for the best. It's true what you have said and people and relationships are messy and complicated. My STBX was giving me next to nothing in the end so I know how you feel. They were a completely different person from the beginning until how they were when we decided to get divorced - and to be fair, no one stays the same or is stagnant. We all change. But this was way too far set from the core person they were.

5
wittyid2016•

Sometimes people aren't who you thought they were and they aren't who they told you they were.

It's even trickier when they aren't who they thought they were.

5
shifting_sands•

Yeah I'm really struggling with that one right now.

3
Anonymous0212•

I think a big problem is that there’s this Hollywood “soul mate” ideal, this fantasy where when we find that one right person who’s meant for us, everything will just work out. It’s crap.

Everyone has emotional wounds. Everyone’s unhealed emotional issues are going to get triggered in close relationships. A big part of the real work of relationships is that when these things show up, we learn how to take full responsibility for our part of it. This means taking 100% of the responsibility for the baggage we’ve brought to the table because it’s our baggage and the other person isn’t responsible for it, and zero responsibility for the baggage our partner has brought, because it’s their baggage and we can’t fix it for them. We can learn how to be compassionate and supportive while we each work out our stuff, and there are methods for healing these things together**, but ultimately the healthiest relationships are one where there’s personal emotional responsibility and there are clear emotional boundaries around that.

A big part of the real work is being open, vulnerable, and honest, and learning how to accept and love our partner and ourselves for who we both are and for who we both aren’t, not making the other person or ourselves wrong for not being who anyone thinks they should or shouldn’t be.

A big part of the real work is to be aware that no relationship is perfect, but to get even close they take a lot of self-awareness, commitment, and attention and care.

It’s also about not expecting that just because we got married, that means we will or should be able to work out whatever problems come up. We’re all just human, with all of our unhealed emotional issues that have caused us to be attracted to one another in the first place, that have popped up in the marriage, and a big part of the real work is to see the bigger picture, to grow up and see that all relationships — even sometimes marriages — can be seen as opportunities to fine-tune identifying what works for us and what doesn’t, what we really want and what we don’t, to do our best to make things work (ideally with professional help, just to make sure we really have done everything we can), and to let go when they clearly won’t — then keep our hearts open and not get stuck in blaming the other person or ourselves for it not working.

I’m 61. I’m in my third — and not perfect but finally very happy — marriage, and I’ve had a lot of therapy. If your therapist doesn’t understand or teach what I’ve said here, you’re probably never going to be able to have what I have. **I strongly recommend you get a copy of Harville Hendrix’s Getting the Love You Want, read it, do the exercises, and see where that takes you in your awareness of how relationships really work and what you’re bringing to the party. It’ll also be good info for your therapist.

4
tweekieyoung•

Huh. As I read this I thought it sounded like you were coming from an Imago background. And right there at the end - Harville Hendrix :)

​

Having been on an Imago couples' workshop recently, what you say makes complete sense to me. Unfortunately in my case it came too late to save our marriage, but I wholeheartedly recommend the process to others.

2
Anonymous0212•

The Keeper and I have joked that it’s a good thing we found each other, because we would have priced ourselves out of the market otherwise. So few people to begin with have an awareness that this kind of relationship as possible, and even fewer have the motivation to do the amount of work involved, stay rigorously committed enough to make it actually happened. We feel blessed.

2
Anonymous0212•

We did the weekend about four years into our marriage and it was a major game-changer, we’re so grateful for his book.

It’s also not too late for you for your next relationship, you know what questions to ask somebody to find out if they’re capable of envisioning a relationship at that level in the first place, let alone if they are actually willing to play at that level. My husband was, but not for the first four years, which he was very clear about (he had to retire and we had to move first, but then there was a workshop about two months after that. He’s still not nearly as adept at this as I am, he can’t change gears as fast or recognize what’s going on as quickly, but when he feels ashamed of that I tell him that it’s about progress not perfection: as long as he’s consistently motivated and keeps on track with the whole personal emotional responsibility thing, we’re good.

1
Stabfacenotback•

Sounds like marriage to that person meant "I'm marrying my mother and I want to act like a toddler who needs that help."

Not uncommon for older generations to exhibit this behavior. And it's not really gender specific.

To your point, the spouse expected something other than what you expected.

This is why pre-marital counseling or even pre nups are not to be scoffed at. Get it straight out in the open what you expect and THEN proceed with a legal union.

Sometimes, though, even after that, the other person isn't holding up their end of the bargain.

Before divorce, make sure that it's not you.

Divorce sucks. Do everything you can to make it better before calling it splits.

3
[deleted]•

Went through the same thing. Worst part is she knew I was best for her but she wants to destroy herself she candid it without support

3
TeddyCJ•

Due to similar circumstances, we ended up divorced last year... Sometimes people are just not compatible. At first it is hard to see, but when life's stresses request an input, action or maturing... you can start to see the divide.

When my marriage was falling apart, I would ask my wife to "at least try". She would always claim "I am trying", to my response "waiting for failure is not trying"... I bring this up because your significant other just might not be mature enough or they have a low EQ.

So, when you have time to relax, remove emotion and think objectively ... try and understand what you are willing to endure. Set limits and understand the consequences you may need to push or receive. Then... Have the hard conversation. They need to understand your emotions, so do accuse them and just speak about how their actions are affecting you. And, ask them if they are willing to try... And be willing to discuss what trying looks like to both of you.

Recommend:

  • 7 Principles of Making a Marriage Work
  • take the online (free) 5 love languages

If you need an ear, please reachout... I was there and now managing co-parenting... Not fun, but life is better.

2
SenorX1980•

Tough situation in 2019.Marriage has evolved over the years and people need to really evaluate the long term vision that they have of life. Question thyself from within.

2
trash332•

Yeah life is not a Disney movie. Love isn’t a John Hughes or Nicholas sparks movie/ book either.

1
nicoleyoung27•

And they will live happily ever after...🤥😡 Nope. Worst lie ever.

2
[deleted]•

[deleted]

1
RelationshipGone7•

We all do it. It’s why we stay in a shit situation for too long. It’s realizing he has issues, when I don’t agree with him he says I have to respect him. I really think he meant “obey” him. Then if I didn’t and tried to discuss things in the most proactive way possible (read lots of marriage books) he would get abusive. Still tried to see the good. It got me no where but a divorce.

1