Source
r/datingoverthirty•
DemonVice

OLD matches not responding to messages.

So I'm no Don Juan or anything, but I do occasionally get matches. But whatever I'm doing is apparently not quite right because if I send said match a message, I rarely get anything back. I'm not super damanding, but I'll generally write it off after a week or so, and I usually only send the one message so as to not weird people out. I'll usually just ask about something I found interesting in their profile hoping to open up a conversation.

Am I doing something wrong or is this just how things go?

Posted Apr 14, 2019, 7:14 PM UTC · edited

742
thegreenaquarium•

this is how things go

14
DemonViceOP♂ 32•

Well nuts. Lol. If that's just how it goes, is it worth while sending messages to people who haven't matched on platforms that allow it? Or is that a bigger waste of time?

1
[deleted]•

is it worth while sending messages to people who haven't matched on platforms that allow it?

It's worth a punt if you feel your profile is good and you're bringing something to the table.

I get a fair amount of first messages (Bumble doesn't count here). However, far too many of them are low effort or they're writing from profiles which don't appeal to me.

Which means (presuming OKC/Match) you may be messaging folks who aren't going to see them - or you might be messaging folks who ONLY seek out those who message first to reply to.

So, first step? make sure your photos and profile are as good as you can make them.

Second step? Choose where to invest your time.

For me personally, Match is a waste because there are too many unpaid/expired profiles on there. And there are precious few match-only profiles in my area.

I have the most success on OKC/Bumble/Tinder and Hinge.

I also have good success writing first on OKC without a mutual match.

But YMMV

3
thegreenaquarium•

I'm a woman and I only date on match-first platforms so I don't think I'm the person to give advice here.

2
Red_Danger33•

Most likely not. Messages from unmatched users usually get shuffled down, and you have to hope that they actually like you if you see it.

​

Better to stick with match first message because even those the response rate is kinda dismal. If you craft your initial message to be witty and show that you read their profile or looked at their pictures I've found that this increases response rate.

2
DemonViceOP♂ 32•

Makes sense. And that's what I usually do. I'll just find something interesting or funny that I'd want to know more about and ask about that.

2
[deleted]•

[deleted]

5
Ecoaster♂ ?age? 42•

Online dating is fading.... People are moving back into real world meeting and interactions. What's left back on the apps are serial daters, people just looking for an ego boost, people who don't do well face to face, etc.... not a great group for someone who's really serious about meeting someone to date. You'll have to plow through all that in hopes of getting one or two good matches.

It can still be done but you're better off meeting people other ways.

4
dipshiitmagnetno thank you•

“Online dating is fading...” Don’t think this is accurate and the market appears to disagree with you as well. See article . It obviously doesn’t work for everyone, but to say people are leaving the market is not accurate.

3
DemonViceOP♂ 32•

I kinda wondered about that too. Seems like the whole OLD game has changed over the last 5-6 years on me

2
Ecoaster♂ ?age? 42•

There's a significant backlash happening now. Women are tired of the creeps, and men are tired of not getting many replies. Both sides are doing better offline.

1
DemonViceOP♂ 32•

Yep, that sounds like the reason I'm about to shelf OLD. Glad to know I'm not the only one

2
dipshiitmagnetno thank you•

Check your own sources before relying on one person’s interpretation, based on his own profile.

4
dipshiitmagnetno thank you•

Again, what backlash? Lol. Sounds like wishful thinking.

1
[deleted]•

[deleted]

1
wonderful_nothing•

Oh my gosh! You've said what's been on my mind for a bit. I'm almost at that point.

1
br8877•

It's almost like Match Group has systematically ruined everything people liked about OLD in order to force a transition to advertiser-friendly swipe models.

1
br8877•

People are moving back into real world meeting and interactions.

lol. Statistically, people are moving into "not dating or having sex with anyone".

2
kaleidoscopekitten2♀ ?age?•

Are cities having events of some sort that people are going to? Or are people just going to more meet-ups and bar events?

1
Ecoaster♂ ?age? 42•

There are organized social events and happy hours for sure, various meetups, art openings, museums, rec sports leagues, college alumni group events, etc. etc... and people are just building their real-life social networks and talking to strangers more. This is easier in big cities where people tend to relocate to for work, etc. and everyone is looking to meet new friends.

I don't think there's anything wrong with having a good profile on an app or two... but if that's your ONLY way of getting dates, you're going to feel very frustrated and out of control of your dating life.

1
kaleidoscopekitten2♀ ?age?•

I just moved to a small city from the country and I’m trying to build a social network. I’m soooo lonely. I’ve found that men don’t seem to go to the singles events or other events that I like. I did start a local Reddit meet-up group, just for social stuff and not dating, but many are skeptical. Plus, everything cost so much and my budget is tight due to the move.
Thank you for taking the time to answer! I’ve had a long week and I appreciate the nice response.

1
flow3r_grl•

As a woman, I am generally pretty free with the matches (I honestly can’t tell if we’ll hit it off from a profile) and I do respond to messages that sound like you might actually be interested. However, I’m drowning in messages, although most are pretty low effort. I think most women start some conversations the first week or two their own and then burn out/ maintain those contacts. It could be just my limited experience/ group of friends.

2
Romcommon♀ 30 and flirty•

Dating for me is totally a time and energy consuming activity and then I get overwhelmed and shut it down for a bit.

1
Throwaway01152019•

What kind of opening messages are you sending?

1
DemonViceOP♂ 32•

Usually I'll ask about a story or trip mentioned in their profile, or about the back story of a funny picture. It kinda depends on the profile really.

2
Throwaway01152019•

I have nothing to offer then. You're doing it right. Just keep trying? (I know, I know.)

1
DemonViceOP♂ 32•

Hehe, that's what I'm doing. Just been away from dating for a long while and am sort of just getting back into it.

1
ino_y♀ 40 [AU]•

Seems like they don't wish to regale a rando with a fascinating story. Try telling them something first? "Hey I've been to x as well, I've read z book too, and I liked abc about it, what did you think?"

1
ahfreaq•

That's why I LOVE bumble. I make it a point that I won't answer to Hey, and I finish with IMPRESS ME.

80% of my matches expire without a word, as women have to initiate. I assume because of my bio. The 20% that say something get really creative, and let's me know not only are they interested, they are willing to put in the effort.

Try Bumble

1
DemonViceOP♂ 32•

Interesting idea. Guess that's one way to know for sure hehe.

1
christinems4280♀ 39•

I reach out to EVERY SINGLE MATCH I get on Bumble for the sole reason that I have to - they can't. If I get 1 response out of every 10 I send, that's a lot.

1
ahfreaq•

Wow. Downvoted for that comment. Didn't realize ladies hate when the tables are turned.

As for the no response, I am shocked guys don't reply

1
christinems4280♀ 39•

People are weird with the downvoting.

Most just let it time out, but I get the occasional unmatch immediately as well.

It's super frustrating. Why are you swiping right on me in the first place if you don't want to connect??

1
bonivermectin•

Your pictures aren't good enough compared to the other options available to these women. That's really the secret of it.

1
DemonViceOP♂ 32•

Oh I'm sure. OLD is pretty much all based on pictures. And I'm pretty well average to be perfectly honest. So I'm not expecting the world lol.

1
bonivermectin•

Expect less than the world. Expect nothing, in fact. Your best bet is social groups.

1
DemonViceOP♂ 32•

I've made my peace with that. I honestly expect nothing from anything really. I'm fully aware that there's a very real likelihood that I will spend my days alone. So I'll plan for that and see where life goes.

1
bonivermectin•

Why do you feel that you will spend your days alone?

1
[deleted]•

Look through your pictures. Put yourself in their shoes. They’ve swiped right, so something looks good. But then you send a message and they look at your profile again... maybe it’s not very clear how you actually look when you look at your profile more closely?

Either way - What you’re experiencing isn’t the norm for everyone. Blaming online dating itself will get you nowhere. Experiment with changing your pictures until you see what works. You’ve got matches so you’re probably not that far off.

1
[deleted]•

Spell checking/proof reading your messages is a good place to start :)

0