Source
r/OCPoetry•
scottfitzpatrick

dani

Feedback Received!

How is it possible to become so infatuated,
How?

 

Smitten to a fault
oblivious to the passage of time
you have taken me hostage
so I can remember you forevermore

 

some of it is written in the sand...

 

I am of blurry conscience
and of blurrier memory
but the details of your essence
are ingrained in my repository

 

Like that tiny misplaced blob
in your upper gum
that I found so adorable
Like your affinity for food
and the ever present laughter
in your countenance
and beautiful grey eyes

 

Cause and effect
separated us
you were oh so innocent
and I was your promised hero
but fairy tales are fleeting
and so were our vows

 

We had to part ways
because I sailed broken
and you grudgingly
looked around the market
as I turned out to be
not what we wanted

 

And so it went on
I landed on my own voyage
far
far away

 

You opened up to a familiar face
and I despised the both of you
It's true we were nothing but strangers then
but some of it is written in the sand...

 

Is this the so called red thread?
we seem to be leagues apart
I dream about your bed
where you set your head
and I'd listen to your heart

 

Still what is there left for us
when time has woven
and we have fallen for lust
If I met you again
would we accept our rust?

 

some of it is written in the sand...

 

I wish you the joys and remedies for life
I know you will marry
he will take good care
you'll have a beautiful family
God knows he made you for such

 

I just hope you'll remember me
as the shore sweeps away the sand...

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/binop3/my_heart_hurts/em2oyje/?context=0

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/bidq87/so_this_is_the_rapture/em05oxl/?context=0

Posted Apr 29, 2019, 7:05 PM UTC · edited

1817
mrsjayjmsn•

I love this. It's so sad and the rawness of the feelings is made so pretty.

3
scottfitzpatrickOP•

thank you!

1
SkyPuppy561•

Stupid question: is this about GOT?

Anyway, it was very elegant and rhythmic!

2
scottfitzpatrickOP•

Hehe it is whatever you want it to be! Thank you for your kind words (:

2
SkyPuppy561•

My pleasure!

1
CarbonUnknown•

I enjoy the repeating line "some of it is written in the sand", but I hoped to see more of this theme throughout the poem. It seems to come out of the blue in some places, without warning. Other than that great stuff!

2
scottfitzpatrickOP•

Thanks! I thought of repeating that to give the poem a certain background feel and pull

1
IamGondar•

Very good read,pacing was on point. Really liked it, thanks for sharing more if you please.

2
scottfitzpatrickOP•

Thank you!

1
BecauseZeus•

You have a lot of metaphors in here, and many of them don't necessarily connect for me. I was having trouble following the thread of your theme from beginning to end of the poem (Sand, Sailing, Food, Dreams, Fairy Tales). It leaves a lot left unexplored. I think this poem would benefit from being longer and being restructured, or reworking your stanzas so they are more cohesive. That being said the meter and pace feels good and the language is lovely.

2
scottfitzpatrickOP•

Thanks for the feedback! I have a lot to learn regarding flow and maybe giving each poem a more focused imagery, thank you for your criticism.

1
N3oko•

Its wonderful in how specific the visuals it creates are and yet how the vagueness also creates a feeling of familiarity. It's your poem but I can feel my own emotions within the lines.

2
scottfitzpatrickOP•

Thank you! And I am glad you could connect to it

1
gfm3dx•

If I am to do lots of feedbacks, I will write this into every single one of them. I will not take your poem apart, commenting every single line. I don't find that respectful. To me, your poem connects, delivers all the imagery that make up a slightly melancholic, nostalgic read, looking back at a lost, unfulfilled(?) love. to me it is not centered on rhyme and perfect flow, as your love wasn't either, probably.

​

I was also having no trouble following, or finding, rather, the thread that runs through your poem, eading me through. Like a sailing voyage through troubled waters, you change style, metaphors and flow. Never mind. This is not a bad thing, at least to me. It shows me that you were a little torn when you wrote it. You didn't know which path to take, so you just took one randomly. For me, this works perfectly.

​

Your poem may not be sorted perfectly like, e.g. Never give all the Heart [W.b. Yeats], but to me it makes perfect sense and made me keep reading on.

​

The best part is the imagery, even if it uses lots of different ones. So what? It was your heart writing it, and you should never question it when in writing mode. Just flow as you feel, and if your feel doesn't meet some "standards" that will allow strangers to label your poem as "good" or "bad", even better! It makes your text unique. I can respect that more than a perfectly polished poem that just doesn't convey true, heartfelt emotion.

​

Yours delivers.

​

but fairy tales are fleeting
and so were our vows

​

Oh so true. As Yeats said,

​

For everything that's lovely is but

a brief, dreamy. Kind delight.

​

Loved the read, keep writing and you will feel the flow getting stronger.

2
scottfitzpatrickOP•

Woah mate, this is fantastic. I got the feels... This is exactly why I write, to connect with others, to be understood, to reach out and hear the reactions of other human beings. I really appreciate the amount of time you took to analyze and describe my work. You actually got it so well it’s a little bit fascinating, somehow someone out there in the internet understood exactly what I wanted to convey. This has to be the best feedback I’ve gotten so far. Oh and I do want to work more on flow, I do intend to be more polished in that front with future works, maybe it’s about practice. Again, Thank you very much.

2
gfm3dx•

I loved it, so I took the time. And believe me it took me years until my flow got better. I wrote a lot of poems like yours, and still sometimes do.

Just posted one of my own (first post ever on here), if you like you can read. I do not know if it is allowed to link it here, though.

2
scottfitzpatrickOP•

I'll gladly do that

2