Sloppy Seconds

I really get your sense of remorse and powerlessness in the beginning and end. Kind of like a symbol for your relationship here, nothing has changed. Personally I fail to see any good grace in the subject, to make me understand why this person is the way they are, so it is a closed-off mirror which I struggle to see. But the rhythm throughout the poem was easy to read and the way you broke down each line is easy to read and I was able to really understand your perspective, I guess I just wanted to read the whole story :)

The desolation and despair are so clearly conveyed here. The frustration of not being able to make the person see your dream world, probably full of depth, love and understanding; just because they’re enticed by worldly possessions is very painful and you’ve done justice to the emotions. You just want that person to see you for who you really are, and how you both can have your happily ever after.. if only they could leave their shallowness behind and expose the real ‘them’.

Favourite line - “you build a fortress of your refined tastes”. Brilliance. The end leaves you wanting for more.

I really liked how you conveyed the imbalance of power in this relationship, and how the narrator has been made to feel powerless by this other person, and seems to have convinced them self of this as well. A very interesting story is told here, well done.

"Admiring the reflection of yourself

Through my vacant eyes"

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Hey, so great poem. I really like this line, and all of the lines! When I read the quoted line I was a little confused, my impression was self-deprecation where the attitude thus far had been annoyance at the deprecation happening through the gaze of the speaker's unrequited lover. In that sense it loses form a little tiny bit, it's honestly probably fine, because I get the sense that dynamic is a part of the point of the larger picture but the change is abrupt.

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"But your face tightens at the sight of me

Your body frowns

Your muse is nowhere to be found

The fuck with this dumb town"

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The last line here as well seems to come from left field. I'm aware it might be a reference to something that I might not be getting but it reads sort of out of place a little.

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"You build a fortress

Out of your refined tastes

Fellini, Renoir, Jean-Louise

You gaze down at the rest

Of us bullworms

Chasing our breadcrumbs

I look up at you from your drawbridge

But your face tightens at the sight of me

Your body frowns

Your muse is nowhere to be found"

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This ENTIRE quoted section is amazing, it gave me a really good visual and specifically the line "your body frowns" really ties it up well in a physical sense, I feel that line.

Overall great poem, I really had to dig to find any criticisms at all. I would only add a little bit more consideration to the intensity building within it, especially towards the end. The poem seems to shift tonally between anger and resignation in an indirect way that suffices to stir emotions a bit chaotically.

I just feel like telling you to move on, it´s not worth it. That´s what I thought after feeling desperation and remorse towards the 'girl'.

The following stood out for me, because I think it perfectly shows the contrast between you and the 'girl', and I really hate when girls are cruel, and fuel like that.

"Admiring the reflection of yourself

Through my vacant eyes"

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I like the poem in the sense that it portrays something a lot of guys have felt with a girl out of their league. It´s effective in being sad.

Very depressing, but also very beautiful.

Holy. Moly. This is quality stuff. Your language is so exacting, I'm in awe. Whomever it is that inspired this work certainly doesn't deserve prose of this caliber to be written about her(?).

I can't wait for more from you.

When I read this, I'm honestly pretty interested in trying to figure out what the narrator is like. He feels powerless, and I get a sense of a mix of envy and hatred. Interpreting a bit further it seems like this feeling is applied in a general sense but he's chosen someone in particular to be an outlet for this negativity. He hates how he feels unjustly treated by this image of a person he created to hate himself, and in doing so hates the person who serves as its inspiration.

Maybe I'm just reading too into this lol. Great poem!

The contempt there is so clear it's painful and makes it necessary to empathize (a very good thing). I loved the drawbridge bit. And you're not broken, you know.

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"But you check the time waiting for me to leave" damn what a good ending. Wraps up things beautifully. Good job :)