Source
r/OCPoetry•
BecauseZeus

Roots

Feedback Received!

Torrential wind pulls the breath from my lungs.

Held in the ebony eyes of God what am I but a wandered flower?

Torn from every lighted revery.

Yet you stand unyielding, a memory of forgotten sunshine.

For when the gold light fades, its is you

who has planted roots deep in the quiet beds of Earth.

You who grew, green buds to fortressed bows.

And I who sinned away in summer's laughter,

Drinking till the last drops of sunlight.

Autumn could only be a myth.

But when your leaves finally turned

Green to scarlet red to ashen brown, I saw not fear,

But watched in awe at the allure of your color.

Still was I blind to the heralds of winter.

​

And now here I fade with the sun;

If only I had roots like you

​

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https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/bitc26/dani/em3eotc/?context=3

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/bjgq4x/to_wield/

Posted May 1, 2019, 6:25 PM UTC · edited

52
RDoanut•

I liked your quick break in the middle of the stanza with the "who", it made me think more about the subject of the poem. Plus it rhymes with "you" before, makes me think that this person is a mystery and the light is showing you who this person really is.

​

Your poem feels more focused after this part though, with themes of changing seasons bringing a stronger sense of imagery than the start, where the references to illumination are consistent, yet came expected to my mind.

​

The overall message of life, growth, and the cyclical nature of relationships kept me in awe of your message, wish I could read more :)

1
[deleted]•

[deleted]

1
bgny•

I really liked the poem, so I want to give you my overall impressions and how I interpret it. I'd like to know how close my experience is to what your goal was.

The poem gives me the sense of a person losing his resolve to live up to God's expectations. I liked the metaphor of the tree, which is strong and deeply rooted, in comparison to the person kind of lost and whirling around it, not able to put down roots and never as strong as the tree.

And the tree mirroring his life as it passes, from spring to summer and into fall, and finally winter.

The only concern I have is the lack of emotion in the piece. I think they need a little more descriptive power to bring more of the emotional feelings. Is he regretful? Is he broken or frustrated or sad? Is he resigned to his fate at the end? You bring up fear, but he didn't even feel that. Does he care at all?

1