A mighty wave,
Crashes through existence.
The searing swell
sows seeds of soft,
Men.
Be wary surfing to the top
Not to be sucked down
Where relief is not.
Run from the trials,
and tumult.
And you’lll never forget
All those waves pass you by.
Look there one rises ahead!
Grab your board!
you cannot afford, to
sit on sand, shaped to,
your bum.
Posted May 6, 2019, 6:11 PM UTC
I love this topic, and I don’t know anything about surfing.
The ending line was phenomenal. Totally was a great visual and a good dual meaning with the stereotypical beach bum.
I would advise to cut down on the rhyming. I think this poem would be stronger if it didn’t rhyme.
i also dont know much about surfing, its more the waves that i, interested in. love that dao metaphor
very clever, enjoyed the last stanza. All in all felt very effective with limited words. I like the imagery with sowing seeds..with people. I like the creativity here.
I love the picture you paint here, and the humor at the end (I think bum is humorous, anyway). It strikes me as Shel Silverstein-esque, which is a high compliment.
If that's not what you're going for, though, maybe reconsider the bum part. :P I'm also having trouble catching onto your cadence. Perhaps a bit more consistency in the stanza lengths?
thanks for pointing me towards him