I bit down on my wrist.
We both liked pain.
I hit my knee with my fist.
We both liked pain.
The panic made me do it.
We both liked pain.
The damage helped me through it.
We both liked pain.
The punishment was love.
We both liked pain.
It helped us rise above.
We both liked pain.
But you told me about your list.
And now I hate pain.
So I bite down on my wrist.
It helps with the pain.
[Edit: spacing]
Posted May 7, 2019, 4:35 PM UTC · edited
I like the repetitive line through out the poem. It drives home the idea that your trying to get across and it makes the last three lines all the more potent. If I were going to change anything I would only take out the "and" at the beginning of "and now I hate the pain". It might make it a little more crisp. All in all I really like the rhythm and vibe of this poem.
Thank you so much. I’m really glad it came across :))
The repetitive aspects of this really exaggerate the emotion behind this poem.
I sort of felt myself speed up and become more impassioned as I read it without really knowing why. Good piece.
Thank you ^^
This was a great one. Just as others mentioned, I really like the repetition here that helps getting the point across. Love as punishment, mutual pain, a list. It gives me the feeling the other person wanted changes that you were not ready or willing to do, and it all ended there? I hope to see more writings from you. You're really good!
Thank you so much! I’ve written a bunch of poems but up until now they were only for me. You’re not wrong about changes, most relationships are like that. Thanks for the feedback :)
The repetitive line makes is sound like a song in my head. Chant of a punk band anthem. Pretty cool
I really like the repetition. It really drives the point home.
Love the simple linear rhyme scheme, which I usually dont but you've pulled it off with this one.
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This was amazing, I love poetry that gives me butterflies in the pit of my stomach!
I really liked your poem. I might not get the real meaning but I was felling that way in a moment in my life.
When I read "we both liked pain" I imagined you, being in a relationship where you love someone so much that its painful. I related to "the panic made me do it" because when I don't know how to handle my emotions I tend to lash out at myself. I don't know the exact message you were trying to get across but I felt it was the ending of a love that was both deep and toxic. The lists to me felt like a list of things you didn't do right or things the other person wanted but maybe you couldn't provide. I mean there are endless possibilities but that is what the lists meant to me and that could be because of my own perspective on my life. Anyways. Fantastic poem. I loved every word.
I love love love that "the pain" is unspecified. I have no idea what "the pain" is referring to, and which lines are the same type of pain and when the shift occurs. I assume "we" means someone important (partner/ex/friend), but I don't know if you like the other person's pain or your own (can guess by the title). Very interesting that the pain helps with the pain of hating pain. Good use of obvious repetition, great consistent diction. I know it says "bite down," but I wonder if that means something else (my first thought would be self mutilation, but I don't know why "bite" would be used).
First of all, thank you, means a lot. You’re correct, it’s not the same pain, the meaning shifts. ‘We’ is my ex. I bite down on my wrist because of the panic attacks. That physical pain helps to express the emotional pain. We were both masochists, and liked pain for pleasure. Hope that answers everything :)
So, I really like the recurring line, as it keeps being relevant. The obvious change-up at the end is perfect, eventhough we don’t know what “the list” is, it still holds power. I feel like we don’t need to know what the list is, but it becomes apparent that it was something important to you, important enough to be named and despised by you.
The juxtaposition of the first and penultimate lines are truly awesome. First, you bite down on your wrist for enjoyment, then you do it to help with the pain. it really shows the duality of the world we live in, and how oh so important context is for all actions.
Overall, really great poetry! I’d love to read more of it.
Hey, thank you so much. I really appreciate the feedback and analysis. You’ve understood almost all of it correctly and that’s really rewarding.
The only thing is that the first/penultimate line - biting down on my wrist - was a coping mechanism in both iterations, not for enjoyment so much. You’re totally right about the duality though.
I really like the simplicity of the lines with the hidden meaning underneath about the memories that made you write this piece in the first place, it’s very powerful! I like the repetition of the “We both liked pain,” however I feel like having it repeated every other line is a bit too much and desensitizes the power that it first had. The reworking the last two times helps a little, but I feel that the main repetition should have been spaced every few lines in order to keep it strong. Overall though, it’s an amazing and hard hitting piece and I really like how it’s written!
Hey, thanks for this. I think you're right, but I didn't know how I could make it less repetitive without breaking the rhyme/rhythm and detracting from the final lines. One idea I had was to change the inflection on each of the words with italics. We both liked pain, We both liked pain, etc...
I'd be open to any other ideas though, and thank you for your critique, it's very valuable!
I like the repetition, as it gives an obsessive and frustrated tone to the poem. However, if I were you, I would experiment with different ways of telling the story. Maybe you could write a draft in which the speaker doesn't repeat "We both liked pain." Another suggestion is that you delve deeper into the images, using metaphors and diction to express the experience. Right now, it's pretty sentimental and bland. But I definitely think there is something there.
Could i ask... What means the "list"?
To be honest, I don’t want to say. It was just a very personal/emotional memory. Unfortunately I didn’t write this with the intention to share it with the public, so that part isn’t obvious.
List of former lovers?
I didn’t get that at all, why would that make you not a masochist?
So there’s 3 different types of pain. Self-inflicted physical pain as a distraction, pain for sex/pleasure and emotional pain. The closing lines are saying that the emotional pain is unbearable, so I go back to self-inflicted pain to escape.
Likely
That would make sense, but no. The list was something happy and beautiful that will now never happen.