Source
r/OCPoetry•
PukeForThought

A few months into an open relationship

Feedback Received!

i feel jealous

not because my partner gets hit on by my homies but because i dont have as much game as her

she told me recently that shes the happiest shes ever been

shes finally happy to be alive

direct quote

and i couldnt be happier-

for her

im envious though because i feel like a piece of shit for betraying myself every single day

all i wanna do is fuck

and fuck and fuck and fuck and be fucked and make love to nameless persons who i can confess my deepest desires to, i wear my heart on my sleeve and i want to show that before we undress each other and eat our love and lick the feelings of passion and living- im my happiest in that connection. i want to finish inside every soul i find pleasant to view, with smiles on our faces and no children to worry about for decades to cum. transparently merging, sharing thoughts and genitalia, hung up in my perch of AC and full sized bed from ikea thats so comfortable to lay on. i want to be sober and only fucked up by the feelings of bliss that cum with love making- you dont ever need to be in love to love fuck but im in love with anyone who will give me the time of day and proceed to remove their watch so i can caress their tan lined and freckled wrist with all the delicacy i have in my being and cry into their breasts and let them cry into mine. tears and lube, i will never wash my sheets, if only to remember the moments that ive shared on this ikea bed. hours spent changing positions and changing topics of conversation and falling asleep to the rain outside and the cool summer breeze turned into icy air forcing us to retreat to the covers and radiate our body heat for us to reap the benefits. sun will rise with my sleeping partner leaving for the day as we both find new ones to experience. because this is all that we wanted and we got it and now we have a tick mark next to our respective, insignificant names which we use in the outside world that are the most needless aspect of our past actions

its so difficult to break boundaries

i couldnt live with myself if i ever made someone uncomfortable with my actions and the intent to be passionate

a people pleaser stuck in a selfish soul

i just wish to the Universe that altruism and excessive love fucking can overlap

1 2

Posted Jul 1, 2019, 8:59 PM UTC · edited

1014
--p--b--e•

I like this one a lot! I especially like the "outburst" in the long stanza. My only suggestions would be to add stronger imagery throughout, instead of focusing it all in the one long stanza; it might balance thr poem out more.

5
PukeForThoughtOP•

In hindsight I agree with you 100%, thank you

1
[deleted]•

God this is so good. “but im in love with anyone who will give me the time of day and proceed to remove their watch so i can caress their tan lined and freckled wrist with all the delicacy i have in my being and cry into their breasts and let them cry into mine”, this is so raw and beautiful, this part especially.

I love the structure, how it’s quiet and suddenly bam rushed and desperate, I think the big stanza adds to the desperation, in a good way. I love the feeling here.

4
JennyRedpenny•

I also like the structure, but I wonder if the rant could be a little tighter. What I love the most, though, is the "a people pleaser stuck in a selfish soul" line. That one stood out to me as such a succinct conclusion to the dilemma here.

3
PukeForThoughtOP•

Thanks for the critique- in the past I didn’t do much stream of consciousness type writing like this and I just really loved what came out so I did almost no editing. But of course I’m biased and I want to hear what others say in order to portray a better meaning- I appreciate it

2
JennyRedpenny•

Of course, I don't pretend to be any sort of authority but I'm glad to offer what I can

2
iss3•

That ikea bed sounds comfy. I had spilled some cheetos in mine, so I had to clean it. Probably you should wash your sheets, too. Cool poem. Thanks for sharing.

2
Creebjeez•

Wow - my favorite thing is that it rings so true to me. I feel squeezed by my commitment to be a good person and my obsession with being sexual with lots of different women. Walking down the street can be a burden. Imagine the resources needed to seduce all these different women. Could I expend those resources and still build a career? Still focus on family? Keep my wife and kids happy? What do I even expect with all these women? After they’ve stained my walls with their cum. After I’ve heard all their childhood stories. After I’ve tied them up in a locked them under my bed. After I’ve edited their resume to help with their job hunt. After all the inside jokes.

I find solace in the fact that my woes are generally confined to my own skull while yours have burst out into the real world and your girlfriend is happy fucking other ppl. Considering how many times I’ve plotted about having “the talk” - your poem is personally brutal to read (but also comforting in knowing I am not alone). What a horrible double-whammy. Not only are you cursed by two opposing spirits inside your single soul, you are humiliated by being face to face with someone you love doing what you want most, and doing it way better than you. Here you are writing these stupid poems, and no one is fucking you. She’s just stumbled crotch-first into happiness. She has cake all over her face and she is grinning from ear to ear. I bet you brought up the idea in the first place. I apologize for coming off as an asshole, I just personally resonate with this poem a lot. I might say “you” here, but I am speaking to the “you” that is in the poem. I don’t know anything about you-you.

As to your actual poem, I loved your pace. Your long, blurting stanza naturally reflects the passionate way you feel about your sexuality and your cravings and desires and even your self-observed naïveté.

My heart goes out to you. I hear it gets better after, they say, you’re old and your dick stops working. I also heard that it doesn’t get better - only then you have a broken dick. I am no help here am I?

2
PukeForThoughtOP•

Your comment is poetry in itself homie, I appreciate you leaving it here. I’m glad this post could seemingly provide feelings of catharsis, the give and take and building of ideas in writing/art is just a drawn out, progressive conversation- thank you again for the input, it’s very pretty

1
madi_kizaard•

Idk jack shit about poetry, but I feel for you man. I’m in a similar place and I really felt the emotion, and if I’m not mistaken that’s what it’s about.

2
PukeForThoughtOP•

Here’s love to you ❤️

1
manifestsilence•

Nice poem, but I also want to comment on the content. I feel you. I could have written this a few years ago when my first wife talked me into an open relationship. In my case, I had zero game and found that she really just wanted one particular other person and was testing the waters. So I said she had to choose, I wasn't willing to share. And she chose. And a few painful years later I'm remarried and happier. Not saying it's the same for you, but don't put up with what you don't want. What you do want needs room to exist.

2
PukeForThoughtOP•

Thank you for this. So far we’ve been having lots of conversations about our emotions and I still feel very confident in us and that nothing is cracking, but it’s good to be realistic about any sort of possible future, especially if you’ve opened the door for it. I’m glad to hear that you’re happier in this situation even if the initial push was presumably difficult

1
jcababy0814•

"I will never wash my sheets, if only to remember the moments I've shared on this Ikea bed" is my favorite bit in there.

The struggle you're feeling comes through really well, like a war between desire at the end and shame in the beginning. This is incredible.

I can feel what you're feeling, without actually relating on a personal level, and that's always been my favorite aspect of any work of art. Amazing job!

2