That first glance shared
brought a smile, slight,
unbidden to my face.
Your beauty captivated.
If then I'd dared
to act on sight,
not giving mind to grace...
Longing may have abated.
Is this mere want
of what never
can be mine to hold?
It seems only time will tell.
Such charm you flaunt,
somehow not ever
knowing you are gold.
Your presence is yet a spell.
Posted Jul 3, 2019, 5:58 AM UTC
I LOVE how the italicized text forms a rhymed that can act on its own as well (it helps that you italicized it to make that more obvious).
This poem doesnt only speak the writers feeling, but the readers as well. It is vague enough so that any person who has fallen in love can find himself in that poem. The italicized text is a nice touch
Charming. I feel like a part of the poetic world you created.
i adMIRE you for keeping this rhyme scheme. The formatting sets the tone so perfectly well I’m shocked. I love the emphasis on the italicised lines, and how that draws attention to their rhyme and takes away the rhyme-attention from the 3 line stanzas. Amazing work.
Thank you. Mutual, romantic love is about pairs/couples. But this is a wishful longing, not two people in love. So this format seems fitting to represent that which might have been, what is longed for. Pairs present thoughout but split apart. Notice there are no matching rhymes between halves of the poem.
To be honest I didn't plan it that way. I just wrote and that's the format I naturally chose.
This was really charming. It really nails the balance of being specific enough for the reader to visualise yet vague enough that the they are able to insert themselves in it.
Not sure I get the format but some of the lines are nice.
I'm new so I'm doing to say some dumb things but how does the last line relate to the rest?
The stanzas are seperated into matching pairs (1 & 2, 3 & 4) with each line in a stanza rhyming with the corresponding line of it's mate. The verses between the stanzas are also rhymed in pairs the same way.
Also, each verse and stanza consists of a single sentence, each a complete thought making up part of the whole. The italiczed verses sort of summarize the thought of the preceding stanza, and create a break in the rhyming of them as well as a bridge between thoughts.
About the last line, "Your presence is yet a spell." It means he is still infatuated, in a state of longing, wishing. He's spellbound by her.
I really enjoyed this. The use of italics were great.
“Such charm you flaunt, Somehow not ever Knowing you are gold”
That was my favourite part. A bold and beautiful line. In my opinion you could have done without the last sentence and left it there. Would have made more of an impact. Still a great poem!
Thanks for your insight. I wouldn't remove it because it completes the format of the poem, while at the same time giving an emotional sense of incompletion. At least that's what I hope people get from it. Being under someone's spell isn't a pleasant thing when they can't/won't be yours.
I appreciate a love poem as much as any other person, this one especially because it is vague enough that I can think of the girl it reminds me of. If it is written about someone particularly special to you however I would suggest making more specific references and details to her qualities, her quirks, and the odd nuances of her character that would elevate this from something common and almost impersonal to something intimate and authentic. Sometimes first impressions can be amusing, misguided, deceptive, or just strange. It sounds like only a brief encounter but I remember some of the strange things I loved about her when I first saw her. I liked the way her ears stuck out of her frizzy wavy hair. The way she hid her face when she laughed. The way her legs crossed and lightly bounced as she was writing and thinking. The way the pupils of her eyes filled to make the whole iris of her dark brown eyes appear black. They don't all have to be virtues, you can fall in love with their flaws as well which can introduce interesting tension. I'm getting carried away now, but if you wanted to make this feel more authentic I think strong specific details would work wonders for you.
I don't agree with you. I think that it's okay if it's vague, not all poems have to be about someone's specific life. Poetry generally has the goal of making the reader feel something specific to them. I don't think the writer wanted us to feel his love for his lover, but to think about our own lives. He probably wrote it with a person in mind but you should accept the poem as it makes you think. Did it make you think of relationships you have? If so I would say that the poem did its job, even if it wasn't intentional
and isn't that indicative of how backwards and dumb poetry reading is?
I would also say that he didn't push any boundaries, or do anything new. The poem is very cliche and has nothing interesting to make that cliche work.
Well I wouldn't say it's a love poem primarily. The focus is meant to be on the feeling of longing for something you don't believe you'll ever have. I didn't want to go into detail about all the things this person loves about her because it's not supposed to be about why or how much he does. It's about a feeling of loss and still longing for what might have been:
"If then I'd dared to act on sight, not giving mind to grace..."
Meaning, if he'd only acted sooner maybe things could be different. He was too nice and polite and not bold in showing his interest/intentions. Also, "grace period" came to mind for me here, as in he was following some stupid societal rule about how long you should know someone before asking them out or whatever. (Probably mostly was anxiety/fear of rejection though.)