When is teasing a red flag?

A perspective that I haven't read here yet-

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I'm a notorious teaser. I'd absolutely do what he did, and I would also feel horrible if my actions hurt the person I was dating. However, I grew up in a family that regularly lovingly teased each other. I find it very very hard to "turn off". I've dated someone in a similar situation to you before and it ended up not working out because I felt I had to walk on eggshells. I didn't know when it was OK to tease or not (it wasn't as simple as "just not in public"). I felt offended that they didn't believe I would never intentionally hurt their feelings. I absolutely could be the one in the wrong, or it could be somewhere in the middle. It might just be an incompatibility if you two can't communicate and find a middle ground.

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If you tell him it makes you uncomfortable and he keeps doing it and/or gives you a hard time for being uncomfortable, that’s a big red flag.

If he’s doing it “affectionately” and you tell him it bothers you, he should be totally willing to cut it out. Be clear with him about what kind of teasing and when/where is OK and what isn’t.

I think you’ve got the right idea. Teasing is a great way to show affection when it’s fun and playful. It’s not okay when it’s cutting and hurtful.

The tricky part is when it’s intended one way but received the other. It sounds like your coffee anecdote falls into that category. In such a case, I’d want to tell my partner that they had unintentionally hurt my feelings. A responsive partner will understand.

You have the right to be assertive about anything that makes you feel uncomfortable.

Boundaries are healthy and important.

It depends. I don’t mind some one on one private teasing but I dated a guy who’d loudly proclaim to the waiter and whoever else was in earshot, ‘uh oh, she’s pulling out the pink card!’ whenever I offered to pay. It was beyond annoying and one of the many reasons I decided not to continue dating him.

Ok, so I'll be honest, this sounds incredibly minor to me. Don't get me wrong, you are entitled to your feelings. But its not like he teased you about your appearance or attitude or anything. He made a joke. He may have been offended, or was just messing around. But I will say, if he likes joking like that, and something that small sets you off, you may not really be compatible.

Like someone else who posted, I enjoy teasing. It's something I grew up around and it's a very natural and ingrained part of my conversation style.

That said! I have had times where I've met teasers who pushed my boundaries of what I consider acceptable types of teasing.

The only thing that worked was to be very kind and tell them I totally understand why they did it and where they're coming from, but it's not for me and I need them to ease off.

People who tease and don't mean it maliciously often are really upset to find out what they said hurt someone. So it's advisable to approach the topic by being reallllllllly obvious about the fact that you know they weren't trying to hurt you.

You'll need to communicate this discomfort with him. It's the only way to move forward.

Just be aware though, that one of three things will probably happen: you two will adjust and find an acceptable medium where he can be himself and you can feel comfortable, he will begin to feel uncomfortable and forced by the new dynamic, or he won't change and you will feel uncomfortable and unhappy by the unchanged dynamic.

But before you hit those last two, aim for the first. And the only way to that option is to communicate, but with love and empathy.

I feel like teasing is akin to flirting. I'm not sure I would call what he did teasing so I'm kind of on the fence with this one.

Sounds like a dick move. I’d be uncomfortable too.

If they don't stop even though you let them know that they made you uncomfortable, then it's passive aggressiveness, not humor.

I hadn’t really thought about this until I read your post. But now I’m realizing that my ex “teased” me a lot, but often saying things that were somewhat critical or embarrassing (ie my sensitivity, lack of serious relationships prior to him) and they bothered me. In retrospect... red flag. When I told him they bothered me, he was much more careful. I think the story you’re saying sounds like maybe your guy was trying to joke, but OP, I would never hesitate to tell him it kinda hurt your feelings. His response will tell you what you need to know.

There’s no line at which it’s solid red flag. We’re all different, have different backgrounds, senses of humour and thresholds for this sort of thing. Your example wouldn’t bother me in the slightest, but ultimately if it makes you uncomfortable, then that’s the information you have to work with.

Tell him - gently, because chances are his intentions were totally innocuous. How he responds to that is the biggest indicator as to whether it’s an issue or not.

It really depends on how his delivery was and since I wasn't there, it's hard to know what his intent was. If it were me, I would totally say something like that, but it would be in an obvious tone of joking around to where everyone would know I wasn't serious. Was his like that or was he deadpan and the barista believed you dislike their coffee? If the latter, then yeah, I can see how that would be off putting. Do you think you might be reading too much into it due to your past?

First of all you need to speak to him about this as soon as you can so you can nip it in the butt early. Let him know about your past and how sometimes teasing can bother you. Tell him you really appreciated his offer for coffee even though you declined, but felt uncomfortable and hurt by the fact that he told the worker you did not like their coffee. Better to talk it out now and if he understands and is accepting of it then you will be able to get through this. If you speak to him about it and he continues or it gets worse, then its time to cut the cord.

Your redflags are whatever you want them to be.

I can see how this would be a little embarrassing. It's tough to get the exact "feel" of the situation without hearing the tone of voice, how it was delivered, etc. Think of it from a comedy standpoint. It sounds like it was probably just a little good natured ribbing. Me personally, I won't tease someone that I'm not comfortable with. And very rarely do I ever mean anything by it. I'm just trying to get a laugh. I also fully expect to be teased back. Do you ever tease him yourself? You an always just lean into it too. You could have responded with, "Yeah, it's totally gross..." just to get a reaction out of the counter guy. Then you both could have had a laugh and just told the guy a the counter you're joking around and you have coffee at work.

Addition: forgot to conclude with your comfort level is yours though. Not saying there's a better way to do things, or this should have been done. Just a different perspective from someone that like to tease and make jokes.

it’s cute banter and shows he likes you

my ex and i used to do stuff like that all the time to embarrass each other but it was always in good fun

i actually prefer someone who likes to goof off a bit (32/m) and makes me laugh