Personality Parallax
You can browse from the bramble or gaze from the grass
Ensconced in these woods is my psychic bivouac
Come on in, have a seat, are you yesterday's me?
Or visiting tomorrow from two days down the street?
Whoever you are or think you might be
May your whim be your guide and may glee lead your feet.
Feedback: https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/cd7k8p/comment/etswen6 https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/cd6kr9/comment/etsvqhe
Posted Jul 15, 2019, 2:29 AM UTC
135
I like the playfulness that comes through in the majority of this poem. It reminds me a bit of Shel Silverstein. The only places I trip up when reading this are in the second and third lines. Both "ensconced" and "bivouac" seem forced and make it an uncomfortable break from the original beat of the poem, and the third line adds to that by not fully following the rhythm initially set in place. After that, though, I like how the writing makes me feel. It glows without being too cheesy. Nice job!
Super true. I just liked the phrase psychic bivouac as a word pairing and strained to find a way to use it in a poem, but it's just too cumbersome. Thanks for the feedback.