Full Moons

[removed]

[deleted]

I wasn't quite sure about this at first, as it initially seemed like a slow start, but you ended strong and turned me around.

I do think that first half is a little redundant, tho.

And a long time it was

To wait many years

For the day to come

That you had been waiting for

For so long

I would cut the second line entirely and edit the last two lines to something like:

that you'd awaited

such a long time

And these lines:

We waited while the seasons changed

And we counted full moons and stars

We counted the suns

Up and down

Could do without the second and third lines, I think...or could at least condense these lines down, since they all essentially make the same point as the preceding lines (the three "waiting for..." lines). I think maybe it's just a bit too wordy, so that the reader erroneously feels like they're reading superfluous words and not getting anything very unique from each line.

Maybe try something along the lines of:

We waited through the seasons

Counting phases

of the moon and sun -

moving up and down

Or just something to that effect.

But like I said, the payoff is pretty great at the end there. I like the turnaround from "too long" to "not nearly long enough."

I hope this doesn't come across as too critical. It's a strong poem and I just think it has some added potential. ❤

Your poem does a great job of emphasizing how it feels to wait. I saw another user refer to the first few lines as redundant and I feel differently about that. The poem is centered around a lifetime of waiting before death, and while it doesn't take a lifetime to read your poem of course, I appreciated the repetitive use of the word wait because it lets you experience that tediousness as you go along. In other contexts repetitive use of a single word wouldn't work, but this definitely feels intentional and I think its a good risk to take if it can put you in the right mindset.

I specifically enjoyed the flow of this stanza:

And a long time it was

To wait many years

For the day to come

That you had been waiting for

For so long

Keep it up, I enjoy your style!

[deleted]

Firstly, I would like to say that I enjoyed reading your poem! To me, it felt like a wistful ghost recalling a past life and death for the sake of someone still living. Perhaps they need a little push to keep on and realize that time is a valuable commodity. Moving on to some specific things that I noticed, your choice to use past tense is what initially made me see this as a reminiscence of sorts, although I was a bit thrown off by the sudden switch to the present tense for the last four lines.

It almost seems

Like time doesn’t take

A very long time

At all.

While this choice does draw attention to itself and solidify the ending twist (which was great, by the way), I feel that it would work better in past tense instead to keep the reminiscing vibe consistent throughout your poem.

Also, piggybacking on what the other redditors commented, the sense of time dragging along is definitely highlighted by the repetition and feeling of waiting in the earlier lines in the poem. And while this sets the foundation for the ending to be as strong as it is, it felt a little too redundant at times.

And a long time it was

To wait many years

For the day to come

That you had been waiting for

For so long

Particularly, the line "for so long" distracted me and brought me out of the poem as I was reading it. I would suggest either removing a few of these lines altogether or simply condensing them into a more concise statement.

One more little nitpicky thing that I would suggest would be a line break in the middle of the line: "to knock you out for a brief, peaceful moment".

Waiting for the waves to take you

Waiting for the lightning to strike you

Waiting for someone to hit you

To knock you out for a brief, peaceful moment

Or maybe knock some sense into you

Having the break being "to knock you out / for a brief, peaceful moment" instead prolongs the abrasive imagery that you described in the lines prior to it. Being struck by lightning or being hit is rather painful, and getting knocked out is surely an unpleasant experience, so waiting an extra line to put the peaceful spin on the experience of being knocked out (that is to say, now putting it in a pleasant light) not only helps the flow, but also gives the perspective shift the attention that it deserves.

One last thing, I really liked your idea of showing the passage of time through natural occurrences:

We waited while the seasons changed

And we counted full moons and stars

We counted the suns

Up and down

It gives the abstract concept of time a concrete image to be associated with, and of course gives meaning to your title.

Welp, that was a lot. I hope it's helpful for you and not too long of a commentary!