Source
r/oneanddone•
thevariablecause

A friend of mine has a 17 month old and is pregnant

and was told by her doctor to stop carrying her 17 month old because he’s heavy and she’s high risk. The poor kid keeps reaching for his mommy but she can’t carry him anymore and it breaks my heart every time. He cries, she cries, the husband looks on helplessly. This, this is precisely why I’m one and done. I don’t want my kid to have to share me with another kid. Doesn’t mean she won’t ever learn to share her things, I just want to be that constant that’s always hers, you know?

Posted Jul 17, 2019, 10:36 AM UTC

7133
witnge•

Tell hel to sit down and let the 17 month old climb into her lap. That way he gets cuddles but she isn't picking him up.

It's the same if you have a c-section. You aren't allowed to lift anything heavier than the baby so any siblings can't be picked up. That's a pretty big consideration for me as I'd be having another c-section if I have another. Would want my child to be old enough to understand why I couldn't pivk them up.

25
thoughtsandthefeels•

This, this, this! I've had several surgeries and this is the only way I was able to hold my son. Also my nephews when I was pregnant as I was high risk also.

2
irishanchor10512•

That’s the same issue I’d be in if we got pregnant again. My son is just short of two - while pregnant with him I was diagnosed with a short cervix. At 20 weeks I was told not to lift anything over 15 lbs and to strictly limit my physical activity. I was also advised that it isn’t something that goes away and would most likely happen again if I had another. It makes me sad to think that I couldn’t comfort him or enjoy him if I got pregnant again. One of the reasons we are OAD.

20
rowek2016•

Much as I don't normally like the daily mail, this article came to my attention and it's one of the reasons I stayed firmly one and done. (Please forgive if there are formatting errors, I'm a mobile user and also new to Reddit, so I'm not sure if I should do more than just copy the link.) https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1279485/The-mother-dares-admit-hard-love-child-second-born.html

15
thevariablecauseOP•

Oh god this hurt my heart. Yes, this is exactly why I’m one and done.

8
rowek2016•

Yeah, my husband and I both felt it wasn't worth the risk. We were already pretty sure but this really solidified our decision.

6
retiddew•

This is so sad, and a fear of mine. I had an extremely premature baby whom I didn’t get to see at delivery and couldn’t even hold for 8 days. I’m afraid that my second time around I’d be more bonded to the second baby.

7
rbaltimore•

I was sort of in your shoes and never thought of this. We still don't know why my son had dangerous seizures he had at birth, he was 37 weeks. But he needed the NICU, so I only got to see him briefly before he was whisked away while my doctors put me back together and stitched me up. I didn't see him for another 5 hours. The first time I held him he was 7 days old and we only had 15 minutes, Hubby had to wait until the second day.

My first pregnancy ended up as an induced stillbirth, a termination for medical reasons. I really looked to the birth of my living son to fulfill my need for a normal, happy, miraculous time of wonder and amazement. Instead I got fear, hopelessness, and Acute Stress Disorder. I grieved for the birth experience I would never have. Nine years later and reliving that grief still hurts someplace inside.

I can't go through that again. And I would, but what if it went well? What if I got all of that precious time with my new baby. I'd bond equally, but it just seems so unfair. How could I give one child this amazing welcome into the world, knowing how awfully life started for my OAD?

9
rowek2016•

Yeah, it's a scary thought. I'd also worry about what that would do to my Son. Her daughter talks about how much anxiety she had even years afterwards and it makes me so sad. Also, a friend of mine has had this happen to her! She said she just doesn't like her first born very much right now, which sounds awful to me. My son is my favorite person in the world. On a different vein, I had pretty idyllic conditions for my son, my husband and I were both doing our PhD's exclusively, so we didn't have to work. We were also in the end stages of our studies, so we had pretty much no time commitments and could arrange our schedule how we saw fit for his first two years. Now my husband works full time and while I'm a stay at home parent, I just worry that we wouldn't have the time and attention to devote to another child, so I would worry that we wouldn't be able to bond with the second child as well.

4
Clearance_Denied324•

Literally crying over this.

Love my one and done.

7
rowek2016•

Yeah, I bawled when I first read it and it still makes me sad. My husband and I just don't feel it's worth the risk! We had a friend that this happened to as well, so I'm not even sure how rare it is.

6
endlesssalad•

Oh man. I felt/feel this way about my dog. I know it isn’t the same but those feelings I’ve had toward her are a big reason I don’t want a second. I never want my son to irritate me for wanting my attention.

2
rowek2016•

Yeah, I can't imagine putting my son through what this lady's daughter went through

3
El3ctr1cAv3•

I feel this way every time I see friends rushing to sleep train, potty train, switch to a toddler bed, etc because of the “new baby.” I’m glad we’ve always been able to let our daughter do things on her own timeline.

10
a_lilac_mess•

Yeah, I think people forget that pregnancy can come with health issues and can be high risk.

With mine, everything was fine... until L&D. I had an unplanned C-section and due to my annoying uterus, would always have to have a C-section. That means if I ever had another child, the recovery would be rough and I wouldn't be able to lift. I mean, the recovery either way you have a child is daunting. Throw in having a toddler around you while trying to care for a newborn and... nope!

8
Aderyna_K•

Yup unplanned c section with his big ol head stuck against my pelvis after a 40 hour labor.

2
Beckshniddley•

I think if you decide not to be OAD your child should be very independent at least. I don't think most 2 year Olds are ready for a sibling yet and need more time with their parents anyways.

6
thevariablecauseOP•

Our running joke right now is that if we have a second it’ll be ten years from now. But seriously I feel the first should be in school full time already by the time the second comes along, if a second comes along (which I highly doubt). I don’t think I have the capacity for more than one needy child.

5
rbaltimore•

My parents actually did that although unintentionally. I was 13 and my sister was 10 when my brothers - twins - were born. I love my brothers but twin toddlers in the house made me very careful to take my bc pill every day.

4
rbaltimore•

I'm the oldest of 4, but there's a 10-year gap between my sister and my twin brothers. My mom was 40 when they were born and I saw how frequently she sacrificed her own needs for the sake of my brothers. And while I'm very grateful for my siblings, those weren't choices she should have had to make. So I'm not putting myself in that situation.

Edited to add - My uncle was only 15 months old when my dad was born. And she told her three granddaughters how to NEVER put ourselves in that position.

5
deusexwarchina•

Your grandma sounds cool.

2
FlyByNightNight•

My mom’s older 2 siblings are 11 months apart, and she and the middle sibling are 16 months apart. 3 in 3 years. I have no idea how my grandma did it. Mine is 14 months right now; I can’t imagine also having a 3-month-old.

2
rbaltimore•

Mine is 9 right now and I can't imagine having a 3-month-old! Or even a 14-month-old - one of my nephews is 23 months old and I can barely keep up with him.

2
forestrygirl•

My grandmother had 7 kids in 10 years. When I was one month post-partum my mom said “just imagine finding out you’re pregnant right now, that’s what happened to your grandmother.” I audibly cringed.

1
xorandor•

Don’t quite understand why the dad is looking on helplessly and not carrying the kid.

5
cowardlylion1•

I'm going to end up in this situation and I'm going to sit on the ground and hold my daughter ❤️

2
someonessomebody•

I feel like OP is blowing this into a bigger deal than it is and using a benign situation to affirm her beliefs and emotions about being one and done. This child will not be starved for love from the addition of a new sibling. He will be picked up again. Mom is still able to cuddle him in other ways.

2†
Ohohpiano•

Preach. I know that children adapt and I know the generally children with siblings probably don’t feel left out or second best but I never want my son to feel rejection from me. I want to tend to his needs at any time, as soon as he needs me. I couldn’t cope with needing to stretch myself between multiple kids. Nope.

2
fabienwarniez•

Why does your husband watch helplessly and doesn’t pick your child up?

-8
thevariablecauseOP•

Not mine, my friend’s. And he’s tried to pick the baby up but the kid wants his mom. Gets more upset when someone else tries to pick him up.

12
fabienwarniez•

Oh I see, maybe the kid will warm up to the idea if the dad picks him up more often. I can’t imagine not holding my baby (dad here).

6
thevariablecauseOP•

Kid enjoys being picked up by his dad—when he doesn’t want his mom. But when he wants his mom oh boy he wants his mom. No one but his mom will do. I’m sure he’ll eventually learn to deal with it, but it’s so hard because he’s so young. He’s not even two. It just makes me sad all around. And makes me even more determined to be OAD.

8
fabienwarniez•

Gotcha, that’s tough

5