Source
r/OCPoetry•
iss3

Astronaut Confessions

Feedback Received!

Guess who rented

The brightest star

If only my rocketship

Could go that far

I'm out of fuel

It's out of reach

The atmosphere

I try to breach

​

Time for takeoff?

Where's my mind?

Got some fuel?

I've fallen behind

​

Installing upgrades

One by one

Without you here

It ain't no fun

Installing upgrade

Inner voices

Upgrade failed

Too many choices

​

I leave the milky way

Where's my mind?

I'm going too fast yet

I've fallen behind

​

One day I'll get there

Just you wait

I'm discharging all

The excess weight

I'll rearrange here

And we'll go far

Just trust in me

My shining star

​

Feedback: 1 / 2

Posted Jul 17, 2019, 4:13 PM UTC · edited

1610
flesh_eating_turtle•

This is a nice little poem. I enjoy the very quick rhythm and rhymes; it gives the poem an almost sing-song quality. The theme is fairly universal, and the use of metaphor is consistent throughout. The only real criticism I would make is that your "Time for takeoff..." part repeats unnecessarily. I don't think putting that in there twice really added much, unless there's some extra meaning that I'm missing.

Still, overall a very nice poem. I look forward to seeing more from you in future.

3
iss3OP•

Thank you so much, happy you liked it. There is a meaning there, indeed! That said, perhaps it can be altered, and still stay true to the story told. I appriciate the kind words and solid feedback. :)

1
Arastrios•

The theme is continuous the whole way through and was enjoyable. It seems like the most basic of human confessions. There's no need for flowery language because its simplicity comes from the nature of basic human observation.

2
Indigochild666•

Love the concept of "renting a star". Have you considered removing the word "my" in "Installing my upgrades" at the beginning of stanza 3? And line 5, the last last stanza, seems awkwardly long. But besides that I like this poem and I enjoy the rhyming couplets with non-rhyming words in between.

2
iss3OP•

Thank you! I like your suggestions a lot! Going to make those changes.

2
Egg_on_toasty•

I will applaud anyone who can make a meaningful poem and make it rhyme. I certainly can't do it. You were able to make a wonderful story, while being consistent, and rhyming. Well done my friend.

2
Casual_Gangster•

What was the meaning? What was the story?

2
Egg_on_toasty•

As with most poems I feel the meaning is open to the reader but my personal interpretation was that the story about the rocket ship and astronaut was a fantastic metaphor for achieving goals in life. The star being these goals and the poem outlines how we try and attain those goals. The fact that the message was able to conveyed by never once coming out and stating it but by instead using a story of a man and a rocket ship is quite impressive but at the same time it was able to rhyme which is also very hard to do.

2
Casual_Gangster•

Thanks for going more in-depth. It helps you and the author

1
iss3OP•

I think your interpretation is really good - and it's indeed about a goal that seems out of reach sometimes. I like to keep my more personal poems vague so that they may be interpreted in multiple ways - and seeing your reaction to it and the conversation it sparked makes me really happy. Thanks for your positive feedback!

1
[deleted]•

[deleted]

1