I want so badly to be OKAY with being OAD.

I would much rather regret the idea of a person than the person itself. Hence the one kid.

Life is full of these crossroads, and we can wonder about the potential other ones but..

You could have a second with severe special needs

You could have a second who doesn’t get along at all with the first.

You could have a second who hates board games.

And, if I can get super dark for a minute, my gf is also OAD and she pointed out.. if anything happened to her kid, if she had a second child she would have to keep on living for that one.

It also might be.. that what you think is potential regret is part of a mourning process you’re going through. It’s not that you want a second, but you want a chance to do over the first pregnancy and have that glowy promised pregnancy and you would go into it knowing all the things you know now. But that’s also a lie, cause you’d be doing it with your kid now. For me, it’s not even that I want to have another (don’t) but that I wish I could go back and enjoy that first year more without the heavy haze of PPD. Honor your grief.

Also BTW - things get so much more fun around 15m.

After I had my daughter, the initial plan was to wait five years before trying for another. In those five years we came to the conclusion that we are OAD. Your son is only 14 months old. Give yourself time to think and to heal. Get used to your new "normal" before you decide if you want to expand your family.

PS: You can still have fun playing board games with three. My daughter and I do a great job ganging up on my husband!

One piece of advice a mentor gave me, is that when you’re at a crossroads, it helps to visualize both scenarios, 100%, for 24 hours.

So in this case, maybe it’s waking up one morning as if you had just been sterilized and will never adopt; at this point you’re 100% OAD. Go through your life both in terms of what that looks like now, and as best you can what that looks like later (when kid is at school, graduating from high school, your retirement....dream big). Just sit with that decision for a day and see what you feel in your gut. Then, do the same thing tomorrow but the opposite. You’ve decided you’re definitely ready for #2, maybe you’ve already even peed on a stick and got a positive test. Go through that day feeling what that’s like. Again, best you can, visualize both the short-term feelings and long-term feelings.

In the end of this process, often, you have a really good gut feeling about what feels “right” deep down inside. If it’s dread and disappointment to only have one kid - try for #2. If it’s overwhelming fear to have multiple kids....stay OAD (and, it’s worth pointing out, in real life of course you don’t have to get sterilized, and you can absolutely reconsider in a few years - age gaps are nothing new.)

This is such a personal process that I think nobody can really tell you what’s right for you, except you. So give yourself the time and mental space to truly consider, on a visceral level, what each choice is like. Ideally, you will know right away which one you want.

We were also set on OAD and came to the same crossroads. We both constantly went back and fourth and laid out all the “what ifs”. Our daughter is amazing. She is funny, sweet, ornery, smart, beautiful, independent.. the absolute light of our life. She was not an easy baby by any means. We always joke that as a baby she hated being a baby. She was so colicky, and definitely gave us a run for our money. I had awful PPA and took it all out on my husband as well. I was so ugly to him all of the time for no reason. We didn’t have sex for over a year. We really really suffered. I didn’t realize how bad I was suffering and how much I was putting the blame on him. It was just a really rough time. As my daughter got older, and more independent, we really started questioning our OAD choice. My husband is an only child, so he was fairly certain OAD was right. I have two siblings, one is shit, and one I absolutely adore. I just couldn’t shake the feeling of our family not feeling complete. After our daughter turned 2, we decided to just try and if it happened, great, if not, then that’s cool too. If we weren’t pregnant by my daughters 3rd birthday then we would just be OAD. The more independent she got, the harder it was to want to go back to that baby phase. And I have pretty severe health anxiety. Knowing all the things that can go wrong during pregnancy and labor would cause me frequent panic attacks. Even more so when thinking about being pregnant a second time and something happening that would take me away from my daughter.

Four months into trying, I was pregnant. My pregnancy with my daughter was rough. I had awful morning sickness throughout. But the second time around was complete opposite. And because I was so consumed with toddler life, my anxiety wasn’t nearly as bad. I will say the pregnancy physically was harder the second time but overall, everything went smooth. I had a baby boy shortly after my daughter turned 3. The first 3 weeks sucked. HUGE adjustment. I wondered why we did this. And then, it all just worked. My daughter didn’t have a rough time adjusting. She adores him. And is SO good with him. And he is completely opposite of how she was as a baby...Chill, hardly cries, an amazing eater, sleeps fairly well. I have had no PPA this time around. It has made me realize just how bad it was with my daughter. And as exhausted as I am, things just feel right and complete. I realize we are SO lucky to have two healthy kids. And I was SO lucky to have two textbook pregnancy’s and labors.

There is no wrong decision in this. We would’ve been content with OAD. I think what helped us was when we decided on a timeline. We felt it took the indecisiveness away, and whatever happened we would be fine with.

Your feelings, thoughts, and experiences just sounded so similar to mine I thought I would share my story.

Sorry to hear you birth was disappointing. You have to go through and grieve that loss. I always wanted to Labor, thought it was a “right of motherhood”...welp I had a complete placenta previa that ended in a hospitalization and planned c section, I only felt a few minor contractions that had to be stopped. It’s a loss, even though people put it in the light of “all is well that ends well” but it isn’t that easy. We are OAD, I will never know what it is like to Labor, and that’s a huge disappointment and loss. It is a process, you are still in the thick of it.

Also I have a 14 month old! Born on May 18!

[deleted]

You can’t live your life deciding things based on whether or not you’d regret it. You will never know if you don’t do it, yes, but that doesn’t mean you should.

Would you leave a job you were happy at and made enough money at, just because you might regret staying in the same job?

Would you try eating a puffer fish which is poisonous when prepared incorrectly, just because you might regret not trying it?

It’s kindof hard to create similar examples but I think my point come across. Living your life making decisions based on the hypothetical is highly problematic. You wouldn’t think like this about so many other things. Also, you already know that a child is a person who will have a life and take up YEARS of your life and your resources.

Most mothers love all of their children and never regret having them. The logical conclusion from that line of thinking then would be that everyone should have as many kids as they can because they never regret creating the lives of their children. But that’s not how it is, there are other factors at play beyond the potential for regret.

You give a lot of really solid reasons to be OAD. It might be worth putting some time into looking within to discover the source of your self-doubt.

I’m an ally to this subculture. There’s no right or wrong answer to this question. Maybe go the not trying and not preventing route for a one to six months. Then reevaluate if you’re not expecting after six months. Like I typed above, there’s no definitive answer.

I have all the same questions and feelings that you do. I also feel just the general shock at what my labor & delivery were like, and the hell of the first year - even though neither of these experiences were extraordinary (pushed for 4 hours in hospital then got a vacuum, baby friendly hospital really brought me down for the next few days, etc). Your story sounds so hard and I would definitely have ptsd from that too. But yeah, all the thoughts and the most pressing is - but what if I regret it later. So no answer from me but definite solidarity.

I honestly didn’t feel at peace with being OAD until my son was older, and people stopped asking me when I was having another. It seemed like once he was about 3.5, and all the relatives and friends had all gotten tired of asking when the next baby was coming and were finally convinced that it wasn’t going to happen haha. Then I was able to really settled into things and make peace with my decision. I still have little twinges of guilt, like when my son (he’s 8 now) tells me he wishes he had a brother...he’s done this a few times now, and it is hard. But our life is so great, and I know having another child would be disastrous for my marriage and our family, so this was the best way for us.

I'm seriously so back and forth every day. I honestly think I'm leaning towards having another baby. I know it makes the most sense to be done but my heart aches for another :/

I get it. I struggle with my OAD decision sometimes also. SO and I haven’t pulled the trigger on permanent surgical birth control yet. He has had the urologist consultation.

I have the biggest fear that you have... what if I regret it. I’m still leaning towards OAD because I would much rather regret a child that doesn’t exist than one that does. Yes, if you went ahead and had another, you would have no choice but to accept the child and move on. The same logic is applicable to you not having another as well though. Eventually you have to accept either decision and move on.

I was an only child and my childhood was great. My parents are both extremely introverted, but I’m outgoing and I have maintained lifelong friendships with no problem. I was never and am not now lonely without siblings.

I hope you’re able to make a decision and feel at peace with it. Good luck to you.

There are so many decisions in your life that could have potential for regrets later. You cannot dwell on those or life will pass you by. Thinking your may regret something, is just that, a feeling.

For example: 1. what if i regret marrying this person? What if I regret taking this job offer? what if I regret buying this house? What if I regret eating this ice cream?

As adults, we make well thought decisions based on information on hands. With the info you give, I believe OAD is a great option for you guys.

If you going down the route of what if's, there is also the other side: 1. what if your second child is stillborn/has a serious medical condition/disability? what if your second child ends up being a horrible person (not everything you can control)? what if the two children hate each other?

​

ETA - I have an almost 7 year old daughter and we play board games as a family all the time. Meanwhile as a child myself, my sister hated them and the idea of losing so we never played it. She threw a fit if things didn't go her way. Also as adults my sister and I do not speak. She has BPD.

Your reasons for not having another kid are very objective while your reasons to have one are based on a lot of presumptions, some of which can be adjusted. You can work on overcoming your introverted tendencies if you noticed it was negatively affecting your child. You can find a fourth person for game night (your child will eventually have friends or maybe cousins who can join you some times) and plenty of games are still fun with just three people. But don't let an assumption of regret put you into a situation that can have a lot of negative impact. You may miss the idea of having another child, but you'll also have all of the happy memories of the life you were able to build with the amazing kid you already have.

I have to say I am so happy that I found this sub, I struggle with each and every feeling all of you have expressed. I am an only child and always wanted a sibling growing up so I want to give that to my son (19 months) but I had severe PPD and PPA and sooooo badly wish that I could re-do that year happily (meds were a lifesaver for me) At this time I am thinking about going the route of trying when he's 3 1/2 or 4 mostly because its far enough away right now to not scare me my husband wants another but is ok with being OAD as well.

The thing with regret is it works both ways. I’m terrified of having another one and regretting that decision, and there’s no going back. If you regret not having another, that’s much easier to change. There’s also no reason you have to decide right this minute. Give it some time and you might get more clarity.

I’m one and done. My son just turned 7. My whole life I KNEW I wanted two. I had my first and everything about the pregnancy was beautiful. My postpartum experience, horrible. I was terribly injured. When my son was still a baby my husband and I separated then divorced. The time away was needed and we eventually got remarried about two years ago. Even after getting back together I wanted another one.

I’ve come to realize that our family is perfect the way it is. Financially we could have another, but it would make money VERY tight. I love having extra money to use for my son. I take him so many places and we have so many experiences. I’m an outgoing introvert, so I LOVE going out with my friends, but I HAVE to have alone time to recharge. My husband has asperger’s so he needs a lot of time alone.

In the end my son learned to communicate with adults a lot then made some great friends at school. He LOVES table top games and it really is fun to play with him. He’s extremely intelligent because we’re able to focus on him and not be interrupted by another child. I KNOW he would be a wonderful big brother and I feel sad sometimes that he will never get to experience that. But I know being one and done is the RIGHT thing to do for our family.

Follow your gut. If you have another then realize it was a mistake, you’re right, you CAN’T give it back. You do you, and y’all decide what would be best for your family. I wish you luck Internet Friend.

Solidarity. I had a wretched pregnancy and a c section with a very challenging recovery. We are living at the edge of our means. I am a writer and need me time to write and be creative. My husband is a therapist and needs downtime to decompress from his workday. Our son is amazing, super sweet, sleeps like a dream, very healthy. I keep worrying that if we have another the child would be a disappointment compared to my first, he is honestly a lot to live up to. Also we are older and the risk of autism (which my nephew has a severe form of), downs syndrome and other health issues all are higher.

All that being said, I have this little girl in my heart that I feel is waiting to be a part of our family. It sounds so corny, but I just feel like she is what will make our family complete. But the only way she will come.into our family is by accident, and I won't be pushing natures hand with that one.

I agree with you for different reasons. We have had no help and support system with our 8 month old, however I feel like we are getting good at this parenting thing without much help. Also, we love our daughter and she has been a great blessing, and my husband is able to stay home with her and I provide just fine...

That said, I think my life was literally at risk by having her. I had gestation diabetes, hypertension, failed induction, and an emergency c section where I bleed a lot. I already suffer from herniated discs so I struggled to get around 3rs trimester and post partem for 3 months thereafter. It's been 8 months as I said, and I am down 35 lbs with 20 lbs to be so my health is getting better. I have no time to exercise and when I do I still need to keep eye on baby or weather is horrible/stores are closed. I broke down and bought a treadmill this week and hope it helps. My blood pressure still runs 140/90 on average, and I am in my 40s. I cant believe I am still struggling health wise almost 9 months later. I eat well and was super fit/thin before I got pregnant.

It's just I think I have to be realistic and reluctantly by OAD, I want to be alive to be there for my daughter and husband physically, emotionally and financially. I will my brain would just tell my heart!