Tmae
What is the right way
to go into the night
a blight on the sky
no sty in sight
Eye blind with cries of fries late night rides
Up above the flight takes away
The thoughts of last night
Don’t wanna be anywhere near
The thought of you
After that last night
I couldn’t go back
Spark the flames
Of my desire
To go back into
That fire
Go into the deep end
Don’t even know how to swim
Wake up
Breakfast in bed
Steam buns left in the oven
Fill them up
Replace what didn’t quite fit
Hoo boy
How I hate you
The way I want to
Be back with you
Makes me mad
And smile
At the same time
I know you haven’t
Thought of me like that
I’ll never be able to
Unless some aliens
Make you like be 51/49
It’s too much
To bear inside
It’s like a signal I keep sending
Receiving memories from the past
Press rewind deep down inside
It’s so good again
Until I open up
Visiting the place
That we used to be
Just wanna be small again
So I can never feel again
Posted Aug 6, 2019, 5:45 PM UTC
Im going to be blunt and tell you this is not good in a lot of ways. You rhyme very arbitrarily, and it tries to be almost a rap song, but it isnt, and a lot of the stanzas end very awkwardly. The first stanza stands out because you had a lot of rhymes with -ight, then " the thought of you" at the end sounds so clunky. This has a lot of telling how you feel, and it just has so much fat. For your next poem id really try to write two stanzas and focus purely on describing physical things such as objects, read it out to yourself to better hear how it will read. You seem to put effort into your poems, so i hope you will follow this advice. look forward to what you do next.
Thanks :D