Source
r/AskReddit•
Mrschan

Reddit I need advice! My baby sister is "in love" with a pedophile....

Ok so here's the details as I have them...

My 14 year old sister called my mom (who does not have custody) and confesses that her 15 year old online boyfriend is actually 19. He lives in Georgia (we're in Iowa) and they're desperately in love. She talks to him online, on the phone and has met him in real life once (he came here to see her). My mom starts freaking out, as most parents would. She tells my sister that this is not OK and that she is too young, the typical things a parent would say. My sister has another equal sized hissy fit and declares my mom "Just doesn't understand their love".

So my mom says if you don't stop pursuing this relationship I'm going to tell your dad (who has custody and is the biggest piece of shit who's ever lived). Apparently last night my sister confessed to him and he has given her his blessing.

My mom and brother are going to go drive down and pay my sister a visit, but right now any attempts to thwart her relationship are being met with hostility and overly dramatic teenage angst storms.

I have no idea what I can do. Right now I'm raking through her facebook page trying to find info about the guy. I know that she's stupid, but most 14 year olds are.

What can/should I do reddit?! I'm scared for my little sister, but I don't know what action would be too much or not enough in my role as the big sister.

TLDR: My sister (14) believes herself to be in love with a 19 year old man she met on the internet and they have met in real life. What to do?

edit: I found his facebook page. I don't know what I should do with it now that I have it :/ He's emo and mexican. That's about all I can glean without befriending him.

edit also: I'm going to go to bed now and try to get some sleep. Thanks to all of you who provided helpful advice and support.

To all of you who seem to be in full support of abolishing all statuary laws, good luck in your own quest for 14 year olds. I hear there's no age of consent laws in Cambodia. You may want to try your luck there.

Posted Aug 27, 2010, 1:42 PM UTC · edited

162
Rambis•

From Wiki:

The age of consent in Iowa is 16, with a close in age exemption for those aged 14 and 15, who may engage in sexual acts with partners less than 4 years older.

This isn't pedophilia. Pedophilia is an interest in prepubescent children. She's of consenting age right now and in a year (or less) she'll be able to legally have sex with this guy.

I found his facebook page. I don't know what I should do with it now that I have it :/

Don't do anything with it. This isn't something you should be screwing around with. If anything, since it seems like a huge deal for your family, leave your mom and dad deal with it, legally.

11
MrschanOP•

He's 5 years older 19-14=5

0
Rambis•

Again,

She's of consenting age right now and in a year (or less) she'll be able to legally have sex with this guy.

When she turns 15, it will be 4 years. It's still not pedophilia and she's still of legal consenting age. they can have a legal relationship right now, just not sexually.

2
MrschanOP•

/sigh 16-14=2 years. And she just turned 14 so yes it would be nearly 2 years. If we're making 2 year exceptions why even bother with a statutory law anyway?

-1
Rambis•

I didn't write the law.

7
Caine667•

my grandparents were 10 years apart. You're over reacting.

1
MrschanOP•

Did they get married when they were 14 and 24?

Was it illegal back then?

Please enlighten me how your grandparents change this situation at all.

-2
Caine667•

it's an illustration of the fact that the acceptability of age gaps in relationships is not only subjective, but can also be highly elastic.

2
mayor_bee•

You, your mom, and your brother won't get anywhere forbidding the relationship. You don't have to condone it, but you will not be able to stop it. If your sister and this guy are "desperately in love" and have met in real life, my guess is they have already had sex. Your mom (or someone) needs to take your sister to see a gynecologist for a female exam, STD testing, and a prescription for birth control pills. Also, she needs to be told to always use condoms.

You should assume that your sister and this guy will continue to meet up, at least for a while, and will probably continue to have sex. Just remember -- she's 14, she's dumb, and most likely she'll grow out of the relationship. Just do what you can to be there for her when it ultimately ends, because she'll be hurting. And....do what you can to make sure she doesn't have a child to deal with too.

TL;DR: Get her on the pill. Preach condoms. Help her when the breakup happens. NO BABY.

11
MrschanOP•

God that's about the scariest thing I've ever thought about doing, but you are right. That's about the only thing I can do besides stake out the airport and call the cops next time he flies in...

This is so terribly uncomfortable. Thank you for your mature and reasonable advice.

0
mayor_bee•

You're welcome and I wish you the best. I understand the desire to stake out the airport and have him arrested...but all that will do is eliminate any trust your sister has in you.

1
MrschanOP•

I know that but right now I'm so worried I don't even care if she hates me. I just want her not to get hurt, pregnant, heart broken or (mainly) dragged into the woods and raped by random internet psychos. I've been on the internet. It's a filthy place full of filthy people!

2
mayor_bee•

I know you feel horrible right now. But really the best thing you can do is protect your sister by empowering her to protect herself. Keep an eye on the situation, learn what you can about the guy...but if you choose to intervene, understand that you'll very likely lose any ability to help her in the future (say, if next time she meets a 35 year old). When I was 14, I was interested in older boys. My family, had they known, probably would have said something like this: "I just want her not to get hurt, pregnant, heart broken or (mainly) dragged into the woods and raped by random street thugs. I've been out in the world. It's a filthy place full of filthy people!"

Thank you for being a good brother and caring about your sister. :)

1
Aff3ct•

You're not going to win this one. In any fashion whatsoever.

1
andrewsmith1986•

Before 30 years ago that wouldn't have been that unheard of.

14 year olds have sex. They shouldn't be having sex with adults, but it looks like there is nothing you can do about it without involving police.

4
Caine667•

also: 18 or 19 is not a magical biological line. It's a subjective societal agreement. Believe me, 18 year olds are often just as retarded (or more so, heh) as 14 year olds.

1
andrewsmith1986•

Thats why I really put adult i was 19 and dated a 16 year old (she was 16 for a month) so i'm not one to judge.

1
Atroxa•

19/2 = 9.5

9.5 + 7 = 16.5

That being said, FAIL.

3
[deleted]•

Your sister's probably going to be fine. Girls have been making mistakes like this for a long, long time. Just let her know that you trust her to make smart decisions, and that sometimes people don't turn out like you think they are. And possibly give her some pepper spray. EDIT: and birth control. Definitely, definitely birth control.

2
MrschanOP•

Thanks, that's helpful advice.

0
captainlulz•

The worst thing your family can do is be hostile about it. How would you react at 14 if your family flat out said NO, No way to something you REALLY wanted? I'm not saying it's right, but at least he's not 30, and at least she's not 8.

What needs to happen is a little conversation with her, as she grows up, she's going to change, and you know what? He's going to change too. Dramatically. Our brain function isn't completely developed until 23 anyway.

14, in my humble opinion is way too young to date, she's still a child. She should not be treated as an adult. She SHOULD however be treated like a bomb because she will go off, and if you don't tread carefully she will do something stupid. Not to add to your fear, but girls are crazy.

If you have his facebook page, calmly, seriously calmly message him and explain to him who you are, and ask the normal big brother questions, why are you dating my sister, why did you lie about your age at first, why aren't you interested in someone your own age? But maybe not like that, that sounds hostile. Just get a feel for the guy because there is this one fact that if he's a decent human being he will follow:

If he truly loves her, he'll understand that it is wrong to date her because there is no way it would work out. Not in this day and age.

2
MrschanOP•

I'm a big sister. Sorry, should have mentioned that but I figured my user name was a give-away.

I am going to send him a message, but I'm still a little too upset to trust myself to do so right now. As you said this situation is potentially explosive and I don't want to start throwing matches on it. >.<

1
AMerrickanGirl•

How is your username a give-away? It could be Mr Schan.

2
captainlulz•

Lol, sorry--sorry I totally didn't notice the user name. >.<

It's a scary situation, I totally understand. I'm a girl who went through some bad things, and even though your sis is 14 and thinks she knows everything about the world--the world is a scary and dark place. She's bound to be more unreasonable then the guy if the guy is legit in liking her and not wanting her for more nefarious purposes. The sooner you talk to him the better, mostly in the aspect of if they really want to be together, they will find a way. If they do you'd rather them be smart and not retarded about it. You don't want to see baby sis pregnant at 14.

Being calm is good. If you do send him a message write it, read it out loud, write it again, because even when you calm down a be you'll still probably be a little crazy and you don't need him going to your sister and telling her that you yelled at him over message or something.

1
MrschanOP•

Yeah, I'm waiting until tonight to send it. I'm going to find out how my mom's little intervention goes (poorly I assume) and go from there. I'm going to send him a message and probably call her.

Damn my family for releasing the drama llama into my house again! I've done such a good job keeping my house drama free for these many years...

1
captainlulz•

The llamas seriously come when you least expect them too. Hopefully it all works out okay in the end.

1
[deleted]•

This is messed up but is definitely NOT pedophilia. I think that word is thrown around too lightly.

2
MrschanOP•

I'll give you that. This is not really pedophilia in that I don't think it should be comparable to John Wayne Gacy and that type of person. That's an entirely new, terrible level of sicko.

I wanted to try and keep the title short as I tend to be long winded. I was also a great deal more upset several hours ago when I posted it, as I had just learned about what was going on five minutes before I came here. Strangely reddit was the first place I thought of to go for advice...

I will agree with you in this post and hope that lends me some forgiveness for my rather overly dramatic language in my title. :)

2
[deleted]•

Yeah I can totally see where you're coming from, hope the situation works out alright.

1
Caine667•

In the interests of full disclosure, and because OP feels the need to flame in private, here's the transcript of a private message she sent me (note to OP - if you act like a fucktard, you're going to get called out):

Hey, I'm sending this to you in a private message so that people dont' think that I'm trying to get more attention or something by continuing to argue with you in a public forum (which is what you are clearly going for).

I flamed you when I realized that every post that was made in that thread that was utterly idiotic, irrelevant and unhelpful was pretty much made by you! So I assumed (<<< see I'm pointing out for you really clearly this time!) you are either 14 yourself and are insulted that I would think that 14 year olds are naive, or your an adult who either has in the past or would like to pursue a relationship with a younger girl. That or your just a troll which is what I considered most likely, therefore I flamed you.

Your posts were not intelligent or insightful in any way. There's a lot of people that posted that I didn't agree with and we had a conversation regarding why we disagreed. You just posted idiotic statements to try and piss me off. Even with those you didn't bring anything new to the discussion. You just rehashed things other people had already said but retold them in profoundly stupid ways.

The only thing you said in the entirety of your posting that had any intelligence was:

Talk to your sister and the dude, not to try to break them up per se, but to try to find out more about their relationship. Talk to your parents about it. Monitor the situation. Get her on some birth control.

Which is exactly what the 20 other people who posted before you said.

Go to hell you fucking troll. I'm done wasting any more time typing at you.

2
Caine667•

in the interests of fairness, my responses to her private message:

1)Oh, I get it. You're an idiot.

Seriously, what is so difficult about critical thinking? I realize you have an emotional investment, but that isn't an excuse to not think about things.

Out of curiosity, what exactly about my responses were unintelligent?

2)And finally:

You don't understand what trolling is. You don't understand what pedophilia is. You don't understand the difference between subjective and objective reasoning.

2
so_it_goes•

Way to sensationalize that title.

2
impyshaz•

The best thing you can do at this point is to SCARE the 19 year old. I doubt he's going to go through the trouble of looking up the law himself.

Your sister needs to have a healthy relationship with someone her age, preferably within the same zip code.

Also, for all the morons in this thread the age of consent is 16, or 4 years.

19-14 = 5. Stop being fucking retarded. My guess is all the haters are out trolling for 14 year olds themselves and want to feel better about their inability to operate within their own age group.

1
MrschanOP•

I was surprised at reddit's knee jerk reaction to defend the guy. I think that we might have a few 18+ guys who like 14 year old age range...Who wants a grown woman who knows what a shit-bag you are when you can get desperate, lonely, isolated children who are too inexperienced to notice that you're a loser. Oh, it's ok guys. She's 14 which is practically 16 so it's ok.

0
Aff3ct•

Not knee-jerk. But a protest of his inappropriate usage of the term pedophile. This is two kids fucking, not pedophilia.

1
TheBawlrus•

I'm wondering whats wrong with him.

The only guys that old still going after girls that young means they are such stupendous fail that they can't get girls their own age.

Either that or he is hugely fat. A guy I know whos averaged from 250-400lbs over the past few years has always had a really really cute girlfriend (terrible job, no car, not funny/smart) but then we found out all these girls are 14-17 (he's 27).

1
ToddWinkelmier•

If it bothers you so much just call the cops. Be done with it and ruin the rest of the guys life or just have a talk with your sister and your parents together. You could also wait a year and he will find a new 14 year old.

1
AMerrickanGirl•

Just tell the guy that if he pursues this you're turning him in for statutory rape.

If he backs off, then don't ruin his life (I'm not in favor of labeling people sex offenders if it's possible to avoid it), but if he continues to go after your sister at least you have that option.

1
[deleted]•

[deleted]

1
XanaVanovoVitch•

let it go. 19yo boys are mentally about 14 anyway. the more you fight it the tighter they get. 19 in love with 14 is not a pedophile. be careful whom you label as such as such as it isn't a joke.

1
lordcheesus•

If you forbid the relationship and fight against it, you'll only make things worse. She'll be determined to stick with it to show that she is right, and that she is mature, and when she finally figures out that things aren't working, she may be inclined to stay with this guy for a while longer, just to avoid the "I told you so!". I remember being a 14 year old girl, I know.

That said, you don't have to approve of this relationship. Make it known that you disagree with it strongly, and why.

Also, there's a pretty good chance they are having sex. I know it sounds like a harsh stereotype, but 19 year old guys really do have one thing on their mind... There is a possibility that he is some wonderful, chaste Romeo, intent on sweeping her off her feet and caring for her forever, but it's a very slim chance indeed. It's more probable that he wants to get in her pants. You'll need to talk to her about this without sounding too judgmental (or she'll shut you out, I guarantee it), and then take her to a clinic to get her on some contraception. Hormonal contraception + condoms is probably the best bet right now. It's distasteful, but it's better than her coming back home a few months later pregnant and in tears.

1
alyeong•

Stalk your sister and when she meets up with him, jump the guy with a baseball bat (for extra effect hammer some nails into the end of it).

In all seriousness, I'm not really sure what I'd do. It's a very delicate situation. I know if I were in your situation I'd probably be more prone to violence against this guy instead of rational action. You can't really do much but you could attempt to talk to your sister, just explain why everyone is so concerned. More than like she'll ignore you and go do her own thing. I'm more boggled than anything else that your father gave his consent.

0
MrschanOP•

That's probably what I'll end up doing (the talking part, not the baseball bat part...despite really wanting to kick his ass ^^). I want to explain to her the difference between love and infatuation, since at that age it's so very hard to tell the difference. The only problem is that she refuses to speak to anyone, hence the trip my mom and brother are making.

I just wish there was something more proactive that I could do.

-1