[1430] Take Out a Piece of Paper

Oof. 2nd person writing? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nRaVI8f7R-U Gonna listen to this album and read it.

The first thing I notice is that you're

#comma splicing.

Even if you technically are putting the commas in the right spot (and I'm dubious about that), you're simply using too many. The sentences read like fragments of ideas -- as if the narrator (you OP) voice is overshadowing the engaging aspect of 2nd person.

The 2nd thing I notice is that your

#DIALOGUE is rather combursome.

It's unnecessarily filled up with bloat words. Here is a prime example:

“Calm down. I’m sure she means well. Not everyone can see you like I can, and I know you forget that sometimes but there’s no use getting – “

becomes

Not everyone can see you like I can

And

“You and I both know that she probably copy-pasted that shit, just like everyone does, every single time.”

Becomes

"She probably copy-pasted that shit."

Like we don't NEED The other words. If they're not serving purpose, or toning/characterizing a very specific voice narration of a character, and serve only to increase "realism" then you're making a mistake by including it. The physical (and Im not being fascious) act of moving your eyes over all these extra words becomes a bit daunting when it is ultimately unnecessary. Like weeds growing, it makes viewing the flower more difficult, even if it is "more natural" it's usually bad.

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#Metaphores

I liked your metaphores. I don't really have much else to say. They were well illustrated and didn't seem distracting. You have a way with words that is almost poetic in that regard. Example falling on pavement on ice, and words moving in air like a fly. Those worked I thought

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I think your strongest paragraph isn't that strong. but I think this is actually your center paragraph:

The keyboard is louder, and I am louder still. Heavy strokes hint not at the elegance of the written word but the cold mechanics of the typed one, a pathetic simulacrum of language, a confused collage of pixels, a harsh beam of cold blue light on a weary face of unfocused eyes.

And it's hinting at being something profound and poetic, but I'm not sure it's there yet. You should write a few more drafts of it, see which details you can slice and dice and rearrange to make it even better. As someone with pretty bad dyslexia, my hand writing that takes me FOREVER and is very confusing to read often because I cannot spell. I empathize with this story. I was the laptop kid in college before that became popular. I had the IEP special needs thing in middle school, but didn't want to be known as retarded. Id like to think I am not retarded, but I probably am. Lol

So I sit here again, alone in a room of writers, in a class for writers, an institution of writers, and though I am alone, I am also the loudest.

I don't understand the use of the word THOUGH here. Is it a juxtopositon? This reads like bad prose.

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The handwriting. I gotta say I was not expecting this. This is a bizzare submission so i took time to critique it. is that really your hand writing? Or is this like those r/funny tier memes where clowns write witty answers on their fake tests, and then with a red pen make a remark from the teacher haha so funny 8.9k up votes on reddit dot Com.

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#TAKEN AS A WHOLE

I don't know what to make of this if I'm honest. My brain often creates a lot of schizophrenic type of writing that a few of my mods have had the displeasure of slogging through, and it is often very disorganized. WIth that said, I understand conceptually what I THINK you're trying to accomplish with this piece overall. But I don't think it works. It doesn't feel focused. It's like a hologram show, but the focusing crystal is not working. It isn't that it's bad, it's that it isn't very strong. It doesn't resonate. It is a bit esoteric or despondent or dissociated perhaps? it goes from fulfilling my desire to empathize by using illustrative language, to jumping into bizzaro quasi conversation and thought fragments to jumping to what appears to self reflective introspection monologuing?

Tbh I dont even know how to start taking this apart let alone putting it back togther.

I would recommend trying to figure out exactly what you wish to accomplish with this and more laser focusing on that. Is it the feeling of being isolated? Of being different? Resentment? There's a lot of possible goings on, but nothing really centered that I can extract from it. Idk

Like any good critique I'll start with a lot of caveats :) This type of writing is not really "my thing" and as such take it as a critique from a very average reader. Even with that in mind I liked it and it did move me. I think you're at a pretty polished/10

Also, I will say "you" a lot indicating the voice of the piece. I know it may not necessarily be you, but being in the 2nd person it is much easier than saying "the writer" or "the voice" each time.

I left a number of line edits on the google doc.

Voice

The voice is the main push of this piece and I found the voice to be believable, relatable, and I sympathized with the struggles and feelings they were expressing. The voice is the strongest part of this piece.

I was a little distracted by the voice being in the 2nd person. Once I got used to it it made sense. If you like it keep it. I think it kind of added to the discomfort of the piece which may be a good reason to keep it. Just know that to an average reader it was a little confusing.

Setting

There's not much to go on for setting which is probably okay because it's not super important to the piece and everyone's been in a classroom before so we can fill in the blanks.

The few details you do give are strong about the wood grain, the quietness of the room against the knocking of the keys on the keyboard, etc.

Dialogue

I liked the discussions with the dysgraphia or with the laptop, but I was never quite sure who you were talking to The other end of the conversation seems to refer to themselves as a machine. As a reader I conclude that the laptop is a physical manifestation of the dysgraphia and is the totem that has represented the disability throughout the writer's life. If that's the case it was well executed, but it's possible that I just didn't "get it".

For me this kind of made me feel like the friends who ask insensitive questions like "are you faking it?" Can't you take a pill for it?" etc. Intentional or not the conversations with the undefined voice had that effect on me. Sort of like, "I don't really know what it's like to live with this problem." That was a strong detail for me.

Pacing/Flow

(I understand my breaking your work up into parts is completely arbitrary, but as an average reader I subconsciously look for those things)

Part 1 - For me this is where you are introducing the situation and it goes on for quite a while. Pretty much from the beginning until you've retrieved the pen. Much of your exposition and even the first chunk of dialog could have happened after you got the paper and moved to the actual writing. The reason I say that is....

Part 2 - ....because I liked this part so much. The writer is resigned to the reality that they have to write and the struggle of doing it is kind of glossed over in a relatively short section. Much of the details of the disability and the feelings that go along with it could have been shared in this section and it would keep the reader in the moment. Or to sum up, the way it reads right now is "Writing is hard, writing is hard, writing is hard, writing is hard....okay, now I'm writing...and done."

Part 3 - From "Two minutes left" to the end is very strong. We're finally hearing motivation, why you want to write, why it's painful not to be able to do so (like other people.)

Overall

(THis is the last time I'll indicate I'm an "average reader") As an average reader I enjoyed reading this. The metaphors and imagery were all very purposeful and meaningful. It's always dangerous to assign meaning to others' work, but this felt meaningful to me and was not at all ham-fisted. No one was being beat over the head with guilt, just believable illustrations about how one with this disability might be challenged/treated.....

I'm sheepish to tell you to change the pacing/structure to cater to the aver.....um....typical reader. But your writing is strong enough that you could structure it a little more 3 actsish and not sacrifice any of your passages. Obviously that's all up to whether the imbalanced pacing and structure is something you intended On a similar note the ambiguity of who's who in the dialouge could be reduced without sacrificing interest. The mystery of who you're talking to isn't what compels me to read it; it's the strength of the emotions and feelings conveyed.

Good work. I do hope you continue to pursue it and share with others. Please feel free to contact me with any questions you have about my opinions.