Just to let you know, I'm not ashamed to be trans. I'm ashamed to be me.
Posted Dec 5, 2019, 4:09 AM UTC
40943
Ditto.
I suck lol
61
So how do I not be ashamed?
40
You have change your entire perspective on life. You have this idea that there is a right way to be, and a wrong way to be. But there is never any way for you to be except the way you are. You are the way you are for a very good reason, and if you look around at everyone around you and see no one similar, that just means that you fill a very specific niche. We are all parts of a greater whole, and that whole requires every part.
Keep in mind that you're like this because other people have convinced you that their worldview is the correct one, which is obviously not true; they got their bad ideas from someone else, same as you did, and they never stopped to think about the consequences of those ideas.
Delve deep enough inside yourself, and you will find pivotal moments or repeated events that gave you these bad ideas. Once you identify that memory, and can recognize that someone else convinced you that you were bad, you can release that idea from your mind. Because it's not yours. It never was.
114
Thank you. I'm guessing that changing my entire perspective isn't going to happen with one sudden realization. I can't remember any pivotal moments. Just a lot of repeated ones that became the norm. I know it's not right but I still have this shame all the same.
29
You know, I was going to agree and say that it's a long process, but you may very well have a moment of clarity that triggers a cascade of "Wait, but if that's not true, then this isn't true either, which means this other thing isn't true, which-". I've certainly had moments like that.
It all depends on how far you're willing to go with critical self-analysis. If you can accept the possibility that everything you know is wrong, it gives you a much cleaner slate to work with. Pair that with unconditional acceptance of what has already happened and things can start moving along pretty damn quickly. Just remember to be kind to yourself, no matter what.
9
Your reply is beautiful. 🌹
13
Everyone in this thread is beautiful. 💐
4
This is an awesome response. I recently went through a massive perspective shift and realized this recently thanks to my therapist and Psychedelics. I wish I had read something like this earlier. Shame ruled my life for so long and I'm just starting to conquer it. Keep spreading the good vibes.
It was incredibly odd and almost uncomfortable letting go of shame at first since the shift in perspective happened so suddenly. I compared it to wearing a weight on your shoulders your entire adult life then one day it's gone and I just felt weird and like I was missing something that was a part of me. Then I realized that the hole in my mind was positive because that voice was no longer there telling me I'm a bad person.
11
For me it was like a bubble burst or a fever broke. When the pain I was inflicting upon myself through internal shame became greater than any possible pain from outside influences. It completely sapped the power that those external influences had and the world wasn't so scary anymore.
5
Oh man, I had a moment like this with my therapist. I have always felt as though there were weapons in my mind, pointed directly at the core of my being, and anytime I started to feel okay or less worried one of those weapons would arm and viciously shoot me down. We were talking about it in a session and, mid-sentence, a memory flashed itself in my mind and knocked the whole thing over. I was maybe five or six years old, reading a book that featured a character who was so sharp and aware that they could destroy a person with a few well-placed words. At the time, I had wondered if such a thing were possible, and if so, how a person might defend against it. I quickly came to the conclusion that a person would have to already be aware of anything this character might point out, because then the pointing wouldn't hurt.
I realized that that idea had planted itself within me, and I unconsciously had been building an anti-me arsenal all my life as a strange method of self-defense. After all, nobody can attack me with awareness if I do it first.
Soon as I had that realization I just sort of collapsed into a laughing/crying fit. It was so ridiculous to think that I had been at the helm of those weapons the entire time, that there were no invading spirits or hostile entities, other than the way I acted towards myself. These days, every time a self-hostile thought comes along, I just take a moment to disarm it. It's simple: I built the damn thing, so I know which wires to cut.
4
I'm glad it resonated with you. It's wild how radically everything else changes when you start to unkink shame from the fabric of your being; all the other threads sort of start straightening themselves out by themselves.
I have continually found psychs to be one of my greatest allies; you will never find a therapist willing to be as direct and honest with you as mushrooms. I am thrilled that the stigma regarding these millennia-old medicines is starting to lift and be understood.
3
Yep, seems like everyone I talk to nowadays has the same opinion when it comes to Psyches so the opinion is definitely starting snowball. My first LSD trip was EDC and I had known I was trans for like 8 years and did nothing about it. The next Monday I had booked doctor's appointments to start transition. Then DMT just about two months ago helped me let go shame. I talked to a female entity who was my soul (you get it if you've been there) who told me love was everything and that I needed to love myself and really since then It's hard to catch a negative thought about myself. Though without Therapy and Meditation I don't think I'd be nearly as far along in my treatment as I am, as much as psychedelics have the power to shift perspective you certainly need the tools to both initiate and deal with the shift. Honestly, I was super depressed for a while after the shift in perspective because I felt like I was missing a key part of my identity for a while, without everything I do for my mind I probably would have spiraled into another deep depression because of it.
1
Alyconne444 is right. Change your perspective. If all you see in the mirror is a fat loser you will tend to hold negative views reinforced over time. If you look in the mirror and see a decent body that has varying good and bad qualities you can be proud of the good and work on the bad, or barring it being natural thinking constructively and positively and critically about it to come to a better conclusion.
Someone can say, "my chin is bad, my chin is ugly, my chin is too hairy" and just sit in the negative or turn it into a healthy exercise, "my chin isn't where I want it to be at. I need to get rid of the hair, I can do that with electrolysis and laser hair removal combination or with just one. It will cost money and time but will be worth it in the end for a smooth hairless chin I always wanted. My chin does have shape xyz so I'm thankful I don't have to do anything with it. But if I did want to do a bit more I could ask a surgeon if I should shave it down a bit or what would feminize it a bit more... Until then I can shave/trim it down or avoid touching it or avoid looking at it in the mirror by possibly wearing a health mask. I've planned your demise hair, tremble in fear."
You're also going to the therapist hopefully to deal with the internal struggles besides being trans, because after all they are a therapist. They need you to air out the voices in your head calling you a loser and critically think on whether those make you actually a loser or a normal human being. In a race only one person wins, the rest did not win and are ordinary people. They tried their best and the score or time will show that. The only person they need to compete with is themselves. The therapist should be helping you overcome these barriers and then again critically think to build up a perspective on life that withstands negative criticism that is wrong. If someone calls you a loser you can ask, "Are they projecting? I think they didn't even qualify for the team or race or etc. I got farther than them so they must be harping on me because they're angry with themselves. They even used to love racing but have now given up on it in their personal time. Maybe I can cheer them up or ignore their projecting words about who's a loser."
7
I have a somewhat more cynical outlook on life than u/alcyone444, but perhaps it may help you to know that you don't have to stop feeling ashamed in order to be reasonably happy. Our feelings are our feelings, and we don't really have any way of controlling them. They are a natural reaction to various circumstances and situations that affect us in our lives, and as such, asking how to stop feeling a certain emotion is like asking how to stop experiencing pain following an injury. The only way to not feel pain is to not get injured in the first place.
When we feel ashamed of ourselves, we are already injured, and the resultant pain cannot reasonably be expected to go away until the injury has sufficiently healed. Certain severe injuries have been known to cause chronic pain, and sometimes there's just not all that much that can be done about it. I consider my feelings of shame to be very similar. People don't choose to experience pain and can't choose to make it go away, but they can choose to try to live a normal life despite it.
This is not to say it is impossible for me to resolve my feelings of shame, just that my injury was obviously severe, I have been experiencing this shame as a result for a long, long time now, and I honestly don't know how to change my thinking and my perception to make it go away. But I do have control over whether or not I allow it to interfere with my ability to be happy. It is always there, but I don't have to let it affect my life decisions or my friendships or my relationships. This is something I've been working on a long time, and something I will likely continue to work on for a long time.
You can choose to not permit these feelings to ruin your life without denying that you are experiencing them.
5
First you must learn to make good decisions. In this world you must know that it is populated with assholes. Good decisions start with never being a bigger asshole than you have to be. Now this part is a little tougher. Secondly you must realize that there are three versions of yourself. The one you project. The one people perceive and the one inside. This is where making good decisions comes to bare. When you reconcile all three to be one. You have done it. Of course this is doubly difficult for you, it is why you are trans. I personally am a cis man, but I have had many trans friends, AFAB and AMAB, and dated a few trans women. The heartache you go through is something that would destroy your average straight person. These are traits you should love about yourself. You are generally relentless, love deeply, are empathetic to others due to the personal oppression and just straight up bigotry tossed your way, hate to see suffering needlessly, and are possessed of an inner beauty that just shines sooo bright. I pray you have a great therapist to help you through your tough times. Enjoy your self discovery and...well...therapy and know in the fullness of time the real beautiful you will come to be. I don't know you but I do believe that you deserve all the love you can handle. I and everyone here have a whole lots of love for you. I can tell you this works. I have done it. I am the projection, the perception, and the inner self. All are one. All are same and I have found peace.
2
<3 thank you for this
1
Strongly consider getting Brene Brown books. She is a shame researcher and has amazing lanuage to explain how to begin overcoming shame, fear, vulnerability etc... You have to actively pursue digging up your shame and exposing it so it can die.
1
Time to cash in the time you spent being ashamed, and start realizing you can do it!
When I realized, I bought a cheap bracelet. And I wear it every day. Not because it's femm, glam, goddy or whatever. Because that was the day I found me. Which, I am forever grateful. Not to say I haven't pushed myself in reverse, which I have.. Due to society and their expectations, not to mention my own..
My head has been my worst and best friend this whole time. I changed the way I think about myself and you can too! I used to call myself a freak, a monster... just some perverted panty boy... When really I'm just me.
I love Addison. She is me. I can't be ashamed of her, I can only be ashamed of not letter her be her sooner.
I don't know where I was going with this, but I sure know where I've been... Turn that feeling of shame, into a feeling of pride :D
Love you, and you are valid 💗
21
Relatable. My self-hatred has nothing to do with my transness, we can just feel this way about ourselves just like some cis people feel that way.
8
There was a point in my transition i started to really let go of shame and concurrently began to find success; belonging in friendships, partnerships, and organizational responsibilities; doing things I actually cared about and not stopping to look through the (especially hateful) lens(es) others choose to view me through. It's really easy to feel lost when you lose sight of what is making you happy and instead focus on others feelings about you... That can make the chase of achieving your dreams all the more difficult. Find out what you want and carve out the time, steps, energy you need to follow to get to it. I promise it's more possible than you think, you can't do it all at once though- nor at all if you are always tuned into the externalities that make our existence more challenging, attempt to make us feel terrible if we let them, and would destroy us if they could.
Meditation on self-love and my core beliefs of unworthiness, these things as well as coaching from benefactors and genuinely supportive people in my life ultimately helped me get to 3 years sober after a long time struggling to stay clean, 4 years on hrt, a year of happy marriage to my wife into a 5 year relationship. Listen to those voices, your wise-kind mind, the people who love you without expectation who will support you through struggles (if you haven't found them yet don't worry, meet more queer folx!), and utterly disregard the voices that have nothing nice or helpful to offer. Much love, -L
8
Thanks love!
4
Naw, you’re okay.
7
Me too, honestly, but we have to change. Because we don't have a choice in being who we are and who we are is awesome, albeit slightly less noticeable to ourselves.
7
Ouch.
6
Same.
internet hug/high five because people have personal space boundaries
6
such a relatable mood
5
I feel ya, but don’t. You have nothing to be ashamed of
5
Yep... Other girls are so femme, and beautiful, and passable and I'm so... not.
5
I'm not sad because I'm trans, I'm sad because my family won't help me if they found out.
5
I'm not ashamed to be transgender. I don't feel like there is anything wrong with it even when it comes to heaven or hell. I am ashamed I can't be "normal" and what everyone else expects from me. I am ashamed that I can pass most of the time as the gender I identify as. I am not ashamed of being transgender but of some of the things that make me transgender. It is odd and hard.
5
What a mood
4
It’s not your fault.
4
I see people say this but I don't understand. I'm not ashamed to be me. I've always had confidence issues but when it comes down to it, take away the trans part, I'm pretty awesome. So, fuck being trans. That's the issue.
3
I feel this. I’m sorry that you are ashamed to me you, and I hope you are able to understand and appreciate you for the person that are are, were, and will be.
3
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1
I feel the same way..
I agree but only I'm allowed to feel like this, you all deserve love, support, and hugs.
Don't make me upvote every comment here cause I'll do it.
no me
Dido.