Shopping out of loneliness

I too have a partner who has a hard time separating life and work. A great idea we had was a once monthly date night. We trade off months and we have to plan the whole date for that month. Typically we try to do something we haven’t done or wouldn’t typically do. One month we went to a monster truck rally and got just loaded off of junk food. Another month we went to a petting zoo. Concerts, etc. But it’s a nice way to say “this is our time” and no work, no work talk, just us creating memories by being in the moment with each other. Once every other month is financially viable for me and also gives me a lot of time to plan my date.

I also started power lifting last year. I get really excited to go the gym every week and lift with the people in my small group. I’m stronger and I take a lot of pride in what I can do. I love that community even though we only see each other once a week. It’s little things that are for me alone that make me feel less alone.

That and becoming comfortable with being alone which took me a long time... self hatred is awful.

I live beside a mall and have more credit cards than friends. I hear you loud and clear:(

I totally understand your reasons for shopping as they are/were mine too. It’s a good way to escape from unhappy reality and dream of a more idealized fantasy life and hope the next purchase will help achieve it, and the next one after that, and the one after that, etc.

No amount of things will help fill the emotional needs permanently.

From one lonely internet stranger to another, hugs.

When I was with a medical student, we tried to have a date night once a week. It wasn't enough for me, but it helped when things were busy.

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It doesn't seem like this work/balance life is sustainable for you. How much longer do you think you can stay in this relationship? It seems like you're unhappy and it's affecting your mental health.

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Have you talked to your partner? Do they care about your feelings? Are they working toward a change?

Are you me? My husband doesn't necessarily work a lot, but he is an extreme introvert who hates to go out. Like, at all. He doesn't mind if I go out, but trying to get him to come with me is like pulling teeth. There has been more than one occasion where I will ask him to go somewhere with me, he says no, I beg him, and he says "Just go by yourself. I'm not stopping you" and I respond "I didn't get married so I could go everywhere by myself!" So I definitely get where you're coming from. I also coped by shopping / getting a mani pedi. I called them my "self-dates." We used to work out the problem by having one mandatory date each week, with him deciding the activity one week and me deciding the next, etc. But now I don't work and he supports us, so we've gone back to not going out, and I just have to be ok with it.

What does your husband do for a living? Does he really HAVE to work 24/7, or is he just a poor partner who uses work to justify not taking care of his relationship? I used to work with guys who would stay at the office till 10pm because they'd rather be at work than go home and have to tend to their wife and children.

He needs to set aside at least a couple of hours for you a week. If he says that's too much to ask, it's time for a come-to-Jesus talk.

On the loneliness front, is Meetup.com big in your area? That was my saving grace. You might not make a lot of close friends, but at least you will have activity partners.

I can really relate to your partner being so distracted by work, as well as shopping out of loneliness. Have you thought about therapy? I find it it be such a helpful tool in getting me focused on how to help improve myself, so I can start to address the issues I have in my other relationships.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It seems like you definitely have some self awareness of the WHY behind your behavior and sometimes that’s the first step. Hang in there.

I can relate. The worst part of it is, I want friends...but I am so moody and have a temper, that certain things about certain people set me off and I don't want to be their friend.

People who talk too much, interrupt others, text constantly, talk crap about other people, etc.

I have depression and I am introverted so my needs to socialize are a lot less than others.

But when the lonely feeling creeps up, it can hit hard sometimes.

I hate feeling both ways at the same time.

It is a balancing act between letting myself be taken advantage by toxic people, or being lonely.

Good friends are hard to find. Good friends who can put up with my turbulent emotions are also hard to find.

That was me for sure. Loneliness, stress at work, feeling low. I’d buy Something and get a temporary high...

Getting close friends, a budget and throwing all my money at debt helped. Making peace with myself and building my own life did the rest.

I now buy dinner wit a friend instead of a thing. Much better for the soul - and less clutter ;-) !

Lonely shopper. Check. Workaholic husband. Check. Need more friends/hobbies. Check. Family is far away. Check.

This is very much my problem. I work really hard to find friends and to fill my time with meaningful work/activities. It is often still not enough, but when I'm finding things to do and as I make friends, it does get better.

I feel like I could have written this. Whilst I cannot offer any advance/wisdom, please know that you’re not alone in this feeling.

I have the same feeling like a broken child. even though we have different circumstances. I grew up in a high control religion. since I left I haven't made any new friends. I've had therapy, and it was useful but I never seem to get over the loneliness. Shopping gives me a chance to talk to people or just see them and there's no pressure on me. And buying things gives me happiness for a little while.

I want to try things that gives me the same feeling where I can connect with people. I use discord to talk with persons going through the same thing as me and that helps. Since I can talk to them instead of shopping on my phone at night.

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Loneliness definitely leads me to shop a lot too. I'm in a long distance relationship of a year, and we don't get to talk every day. In addition I don't have any friends in my area who I can hang out with. People have a tendency to make flimsy plans with me which we never get around to doing. "We should all go to a movie!" but then never set a date and we end up not going. And then I go to the movie alone and "make a day out of it" shopping. Being alone and yearning for human company creates a void... and it's so easy to fill a void with Stuff.

I also feel the "broken child" thing. It sucks a lot, doesn't feel good. Have you considered doing therapy? I'm looking at going back to it when I can afford to. Best of luck to you.

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