Source
r/AskGaybrosOver30•
Exceliber

On losing close friends.

So I’ll start with the back story- my best bro and I met probably seven or eight years ago and quickly became super close. We were FWB, but he and I both admitted we were in love with each other but both married (both of our partners knew as well) and didn’t want to push our relationship to more than it was.

I moved out of town four years ago for my husband’s job, and we both promised things wouldn’t change and it really looked like it wouldn’t. We texted multiple times every day, and visited whenever we could. But things did change- at least on his hand.

I moved back to Chicago last spring, I kept trying to hang out with him, but kept getting told he was too busy. At first I just accepted it since he was busy... but then I’d see Instagram posts of him hanging out with a group of guys all the time. I would see them all going on vacation, hanging out together on the weekends, and never got invited. Even more, this was a group of guys my husband and I had been close with before we moved.

I finally confronted him about feeling left out last August, and he said basically that I wasn’t a priority and he didn’t have nor was gonna make time for me. I sat on that for about two months until it got too painful and I asked him where he thought our relationship was and why I couldn’t be included. He said he had moved on after I left and I could try and get included but he wasn’t in a place to try and push for more time with me and bring me into the group.

So, long story short, I told him I couldn’t do just a text message relationship. He said he wasn’t able to do more, and for my mental health I told him I needed a break from this. I dunno, I thought maybe he would miss me and realize he wanted more of a friendship with me, but it has been almost six months and I’ve heard nothing.

This just makes me said. I didn’t just lose a friend, I lost a partner. I dunno if there’s much in the way of advice, but I still feel lost and hurt and sad. Any thoughts on friends “growing out” of their relationship with you?

Posted Mar 29, 2020, 4:09 PM UTC

1013
mx_birdtwat•

Too. Many. Red. Flags.

12
ExceliberOP•

Oh, in retrospect, totally. I just kept giving him the benefit of the doubt because we had been so close, and I missed that connection.

2
dan1984maryland35-39•

Not to be an asshole, but friends sometimes grow apart... I have had that happen to many of my friends. They got married, had kids, moved, demanding job etc... instead of trying to rekindle the friendship, just make new ones. I know it’s harder when you’re older, but it’s the best way to move on.

6
ExceliberOP•

Yeah, I get it. I’m just still a bit stuck since he never communicated anything until he had fully moved on, and I was still trying to hold the friendship together.

1
Scortacle40-44•

Sorry boo.

3
ExceliberOP•

❤️❤️❤️

1
awerewolfgang•

Well, first off he sounds like an asshole. Sorry to say, people change, and the guy you miss might not even exist anymore.

Regardless...when I find myself missing someone, the best antidotes typically are spending time with people who actually appreciate you, and focusing on the things you like or want to like about yourself.

I dont have close friends like what you're describing that I've lost, so idk how helpful this is. But time spent is not the greatest indicator of a happy future. Try to stay in the present and not get stuck in the past and "what could have been"s.

3
ExceliberOP•

I hear you. I’m just still in the process of trying to get closer with people (and you’re not helping Miss Rona), so I find myself really missing that easy connection we had.

Plus, I dunno, still feeling disappointed to lose a partnership like that that I thought would last my whole life, ya know?

I really appreciate the response! 🙂

2
gopher64635-39•

I think he could have handled this better, but I do see where he’s coming from. It reminds me of the old saying “you never step in the same stream twice.”

The friendship/friend group (stream) you left four years ago evolved - new memories, inside jokes, shared experiences, etc. So even though to you it seems Ok to just jump back in to how things were four years ago and continue on, the stream you’re touching now isn’t the same.

Or I might add maybe something out of your control happened that triggered some self reflection. He could have decided that since you left (not knowing you’d return) it was time to let you go.

I know this sucks, I’m sorry.

3
MasterBobSF•

A sad part of life is that friends grow apart sometimes. It's happened to me. It doesn't matter how you feel, because all relationships are two way streets and traffic has to move both ways. Best to look ahead to the future and not obsess on the past. He's not interested in keeping your relationship going, and that sadly ends the matter.

3
homeric3445-49•

It's never a trivial matter when we lose people that were a part of our lives - it feels like losing a limb for me - sometimes you feel like you want to move that limb but it's not there anymore. I guess a good thing that you might take away from this situation is that you were able to sit down and talk to him - much better than just being ghosted. Cherish the friendship you had, grieve for the loss but then move on because if you look out your window, time didn't stand still just because you lost a friend - as time does, so should you.

2
dan1984maryland35-39•

My guess is that he was hoping that you felt the same way he did and you would have made the first move or that he would have the courage to tell you at some point.

1
ExceliberOP•

I think you’re right on that. I think I’m just having a hard time with getting my life back together today. ❤️

One day at a time.

1