Source
r/OCPoetry•
VolatileMoon

Bones (rough SOC)

Feedback Received!

I am not alive anymore

I am a walking skeleton, pieces of flesh still clinging

Organs black and exposed, pulsing and writhing

The cracking and creaking of bones as I walk

No longer able to feel your love

A hole was ripped in me at one point

It spread and infected my everything

A virus of pain and loss and trauma

I am afflicted

Inflicted by the incessant desire for connection

Now, finding none, losing all

A decaying monster hated and despised

The dying remnant of a once warm body

Nothing left but cold scraps and bones

1.https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/fs83gd/time_to_say_bye/fm0d0iz?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

2.https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/fsaut2/i_want_to_believe_feedback_request/fm0cpoz?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

Posted Apr 1, 2020, 11:30 PM UTC · edited

98
itsmadx•

I love the comparison of heartbreak to disease ("it spread and infected my everything/ a virus of pain and trauma and loss") as it really hits home how bad the heartbreak is, to the point that the speaker is physically afflicted. A lot of the metaphors really hit him as well as they're quite brutal, ie, "nothing left but cold scraps and bones," which adds to the raw tone of the whole poem. This really is a beautiful poem, one I felt I could relate to a lot.

2
VolatileMoonOP•

Thank you! I was really hoping to get that across. I've been trying to work on imagery more.

1
rayasunshine-•

Such a grotesque metaphor for heartbreak and I'm all here for it. Especially when breakups can make you feel lifeless sometimes as well as codependency. Good job!

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TabooMusic•

I felt like the details in this piece are perfect and the flow is definitely my favorite. I think if I were to suggest something it would be seperating a line:
" I am afflicted, inflicted by the incessant desire for connection"

It's definitely just personal taste but I would suggest breaking apart this line so that the impact comes across a little more and reads like this:
" I am afflicted
Inflicted by the incessant desire for connection"

I can't wait to read more of your stuff!

1
VolatileMoonOP•

Thanks, I'm actually going to correct that, that's a good piece of feedback. I was throwing myself off with how to build that line and couldnt figure out where to break it. I'll definitely be posting more soon, appreciate the support😊

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1
VolatileMoonOP•

Thank you😊

1