Source
r/OCPoetry•
catchmeatthebar

I ask myself

Tell me, am I too soft

More water than stone

Do my arms, like my hair,

Fly away with the wind

Can my tongue be dense

Like seawater or bone

​

Tell me, am I too soft

Do you whisper to save me

When I shiver, is it cold

Or do you wonder again

Why I can’t find the warmth

In the embers life gave me

​

Tell me, am I too soft

For I fear that it’s true

Is my rage a soft rain

Into oceans and baths

Are my hands just mud

And my spit just dew

​

The ground may collapse

Beneath my bare feet

The mountains may fall

To be built again

But against what weight—

The world or me?

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Posted Jul 7, 2020, 3:20 PM UTC

4719
jake_ou_jacques•

This poem has exceptional imagery, and I really enjoy the final 2 lines!

I think a really easy enhancement to this poem would be a question mark after "am I too soft" (read "Tell me, am I too soft?") - I know it may seem trivial but it is core to the poem and deserves a pause.

I actually think punctuation could be better used throughout the entire poem to encourage the reader to keep pace with the author's voice.

I'm looking forward to your next piece :)

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catchmeatthebarOP•

Thank you for this comment! I tend to underutilize punctuation for some reason—nothing more than a style preference—but I will consider adding it to this poem!

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catchmeatthebarOP•

Fair enough haha

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Robotuku•

I prefer it without a question mark to be honest. It feels more pensive that way, like they’re sort of asking someone else but sort of just asking themselves too. Or maybe they don’t even really want an answer at all. It’s more open ended and I think therefore more interesting without.

Side note: I like everything except the line “for I fear that it is true”. Not sure why but it just throws me out of the poem for some reason. Just has a different tone than the rest.

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piranesi_circus•

Wow, I really love this poem. It's such an uncommon sentiment, but it rings true—it seems like the speaker is worried about not being powerful enough, and there's a panicky undertone that I really like. I especially like the sound of the second-to-last line. However, I loved the gentle rhyme scheme in the first three stanzas and I was disappointed when the second and sixth lines of that last stanza didn't totally rhyme. I like the poem's final line a lot, so I might play around with that second line potentially ending in be or see?

I agree with another commenter who suggested adding question marks after the questions in the poem. I think it will tie it together and make it sound a little more emotional and desperate, since I imagined a narrator who's a little monotonous for this one. (Although that's not necessarily a bad thing—maybe this narrator is shut-down and hopeless.)

Also, that second stanza is awesome. It articulates that worry that our struggles are internal rather than external, and even though I can't quite figure out what the second line means, I like it! Thank you for sharing this poem!

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catchmeatthebarOP•

Haha I completely understand your frustration with the near rhyme at the end. I personally don’t feel the need to have exact rhymes in my poems, but I can understand why it’s unsettling when I’ve done exact rhymes with all of the other stanzas. It would be difficult to keep my intent while changing that stanza around, but I will certainly try. Thank you for your kind words!

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thenewcandide•

This gave me the vibes of a song that with every stanza increases in pace and aggressiveness, and I felt like somewhere near the ending, another mention of “tell me, am i too soft” or something related to that would have been amazing. And a couple of metaphors flew right over my head. Otherwise pretty neat.

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catchmeatthebarOP•

I was also considering whether I needed to add that line again. I’ll have to give that a lot of thought because I don’t see how it would work currently. Thanks again for your comment!

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DeminaCross•

Wow I felt the emotions through this. Reading through this it tries to trick you with the calm words of expression and the descriptions of the world we see but as i read between the lines, I could sense the emotions behind it.

I imagined a tea kettle boiling water inside and the whistle of the steam sounding as i read this. Beautifully written and relate so much to this. Amazing job!

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catchmeatthebarOP•

Thank you so much. That’s exactly what I was going for! I tried to balance softness with wrath so I’m glad that translated.

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catchmeatthebarOP•

That’s exactly where this poem is coming from! I’m so glad you were able to feel all of that. It’s always a concern of mine that the intent isn’t clear so your comment is SO appreciated. Thank you so much!

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schuyler91011•

I really connected with the emotions in this poem as someone who often feels too soft. I think you’ve done an exceptional job with the tone and rhythm. Rhythm is so hard for me so I really love poetry that has it. You should be submitting this one! I love it

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catchmeatthebarOP•

I really appreciate that! I’m not always great with rhythm either. Thank you!!

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willnebrickhead•

Great ending enjoyed a lot, thank you for this experience

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IamSOveryDEEP•

What did you enjoy about the ending?

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willnebrickhead•

just trying to get my two comment ups

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IamSOveryDEEP•

I understand but I'm also a mod here so I was hoping you would explain instead of me removing your post. Can you give a little detail for why you enjoyed it?

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