Just tell me your wants Who you want, What you want, Why you want it.
I want to know your love, Who you love, What you love, Why you love it.
Let me hear you fears, Tell me what you fear, Who you fear, Why you fear it.
I just want to know you, Who are you, How are you, What makes you, you. Because you are special, You are unique, And you, are worth knowing.
Posted Sep 1, 2020, 5:22 AM UTC
So I highly doubt that this is what you were going for but your lines reminded me of your classic "nice guy" trying to express feelings for a girl who has rejected him a thousand times. I think the content could be fleshed out more as these are not "new" feelings people haven't heard. I wish you had gone deeper so we could understand maybe why the person feels this. I like the title as I think it was simple and drew me in. Maybe go below the surface next time.
Thank you for that I’ll take that into consideration. And no that not really what I was going for lol. It was kinda more one of those things you think of in the shower and then won’t leave your head.
I liked the use of repetition in this. I find the subject matter perhaps I bit too obvious. I mean you're treading ground that has been over many times in quite an obvious way. I wonder if you could play with the repetition and form even more to express the same topic but in a more unique fashion.
Yes this is all true. Do you have any suggestions of how I might do so?
Have you ever seen poems where words are deconstructed or put together. I was thinking a bit of the novel everything is illuminated when I mentioned this and how he uses the form of words later in the book.
Oh no I haven’t though I can imagine what you mean. The novel is called Everything is Illuminated? What’s the premise?
Yes, it's about a Jewish American author who goes to Ukraine to find about his family. However it's written in 3 destinct styles 1, magical realism that really plays with form 2, a sort of foreign English but it's really a language of it's own and 3, just a straight forward narrative in plain English. Very interesting if challenging to read.
I'm not sure the repetition works here. Repetition is a great way to create emphasis and flow as well as produce a beat through language for the reader to jive with. Here though, certainly by the third rendition, I'm a little bored since each questioning round is shallow and generic.
On a whole then, the poem has a sweet sentiment but is not very successful. It celebrates specificity and uniqueness, but its reductive- Who you are being constructed of a few undynamic categories. Consider having the speaker ask way more specific questions like (and this is random and corny, but makes a point about how to make the poem, not just more interesting, but make more sense),
"When it rains, do you feel the drops palm up or palm down, or do you hide inside, afraid to drown?"
Another example. A lot of people are afraid of bugs, you know? Who the person is would be understood more from whether they crush the bug or run from it.
Thank you for the feedback! When I look back on it I do see what your saying and this is why I really love this thread because while I know each and every thought that went along with each line it’s hard to get a perspective on how an outsider would see it so once again thank you.
It sounds aggressive if you were to read it fast enough. It allow the audience to gage themselves base on their reaction. It did end on a good note as to tell you that you are worthy. Worthy... of interrogation.
Thank you! This is more of a theme I was going for it was supposed to be less of my feelings towards you and more of a thing that makes people think who am I. Though I don’t really like telling people how to feel about something like this it’s kinda their own choice.