thrill ride

feedback: untitled poem about blackness and incidental finding

---

i rebelled with little lies,

like kissing the water fountain

when i asked to use the restroom,

or when i denied that it was i

who gifted jasmine with the heartshaped

box of chocolates. justin said

it was he who bestowed them on her instead.

i hated him, his epilepsy, his bleeding eyes,

his refusal to give me a present

despite being my secret santa.

ten years old and already hateful. how laughable.

how pitiful. soon i will be hot in santa ana,

but back then i was willing to sit in the shade

of garbage cans with prison bars,

in front of mary statues, sit there quietly

and rot.

it was a fleeting love, but it was love all the same,

and i never learned the lesson not to love the insane.

more glibly, never stick my dick in crazy.

i haven't done it lately - this lady was okay,

just odd and there, no underwear, no fear.

i didn't get her name.

i will read the gadfly soon while sandra

burns her robe. i promised myself

that if i were being honest, i would allow myself

one sliver of hope. but i have not been honest.

i am not concerned with a body count,

the notches, tally marks, the gloat;

i look at marc and juliet, romance on the river,

brown happiness on a boat;

i see proposals and engagements,

reluctant grins and candid snaps.

i see opportunities in front of me,

nude and beckoning, perpetually out of my grasp.

so this is a new life. a thrill ride, a rollercoaster,

me barely strapped in while i'm effortlessly

tossed around. so this is what i embraced.

so this is what i chased.

and alone, as usual, i succumb to the result:

yet another bond that i must break

if i am to breathe. if i am to wake.

---

you don't often realize how much your memory contains.

all writing goes on @LinesofStone on instagram, where i am also hosting a 30 day writing prompt series. so if anyone wants to get daily inspiration and challenges, check it out. i'll be reading submissions and poems that are good on another account as well.