The first chapter to a novel in progress.
A Chem-addicted Overworlder goes to pick up rare Chems from a Chem collector. Things go awry after the collector notices some inconsistencies in the Overworlder's story.
Critiques:
Posted Sep 6, 2020, 12:54 AM UTC
Okay, so I've read all of the critiques so far and here are some recurring points which I'm going to iron out in the next draft.
The protagonist and Nitrous have too similar mannerisms in the way they speak, and there's not enough action in between the dialogue.
The protagonist should have a name, which I've rectified early on in the story. Easy change.
There is a consistent lack of visualization and setting.
It seems better fit for a visual medium.
Some grammar errors and style issues, either with periods that should be commas or lack of italicization for thoughts.
The use of jargon makes it difficult to understand what's going on sometimes, and this is mainly because I have the knowledge of the world myself, but a preliminary reader does not have the same knowledge of what exactly "Effexadrine" does or is, or the Techie-Psyker-Chemist dynamic that the entire interplay of the novel rests upon. Some easing in on the jargon needs to be added through showing. Since there are multiple stories that take place simultaneously in the novel, and despite the "gloved Overworlder" being the intended main protagonist of the series, a first chapter or a prologue which is easier on the jargon might be necessary.
There are multiple cliches throughout the writing that could be ironed out in later drafts.
The ending might fall flat with some readers. Additionally, first time readers who haven't encountered the story need to be entranced with the magical abilities at first. Of course, common Psyker tricks are underwhelming to Nitrous, but to the reader, this needs to be more mystical at first.
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So I read the story the one thing that kept bothering me and I'm sure you've heard it in your comments but the way you don't refer to your main character by name and when you name a character by a description like gloved Overworlder and Teched Overworlder, it really confused. I feel like the two that I mentioned are also the same people? You should give him a name and refer to them by name when you write them. It makes it easier to follow.
Also, you have a lot of terms that you made up for the story and I really had to wonder what everything meant, maybe that was intentional. Some of it actually fit like the drug types but others needed more description as to what they meant like Chem clothing. You should describe what they're wearing.
I would also like to know where they are. I was wondering that the whole time I was reading. I think you only described a tent and a red shack.
"In an hour, he arrived at a small red shack situated in a swampy area and parked his motorcycle on the grass" Maybe you could paint us a picture of what the world actually looks like because it feels like it's WWAAAYYYY different than today.
I liked the intro. It pulled me in, made me want to learn more. Some of the sentences feel rather short but I'm no expert in short sentences. For example :
His vision was fading in and out. He became dizzy and felt on the verge of passing out again. If only. He laid down on his futon, making sure to turn to his side. A stream of tears flowed down his face. I need more.
Lots of hes and his. And then you write I need more. I need more. Maybe you could italicize his thoughts so that we could differentiate what he's thinking and what is going on. And I don't know. Separate I need more so it;s like:
I need more.
I need more.
Or once is enough.
you capitalize Techie Junk. I don't think it needs to be capitalized.
The gloved Overworlder picked up his Pipe Interfacing Device and Plexed for Superchem collectors near his area
You could abbreviate it and then write out the meaning so that we know it's meant to be capitalized. And then plexed doesn't have to capitalized. I don't know what Superchem is supposed to mean and if it's important enough to be capitalized.
What a lowball. should be italicized or something. I didn't realize he was talking.
The gloved Overworlder put his P.I.D. away and unzipped his tent. As he stepped outside, the soft sun gleamed on his brownish skin.
I thought he already stepped out when he vomited. Did he go back in?
Maybe when he's riding his motorcycle, you could explain his world but I'm lost at this point. I get an idea that he's looking for "drugs" because he's addicted to them but I want to know why? Why is he in a tent instead of a shack like the other Overworlder. What's an Overworlder?
Some of the back and forth dialogue could use a bit of action or description to make it more interesting.
“Duel a bunch of Techies lately, I assume?”
“No, I’m a Junk collector, just like you.”
“I’m not a Junk collector. I need spare parts. What do you got?”
“I’ve got all kinds of scrap. Will you let me in?”
“I got a no no-Comm policy.”
“We’re talking right now.”
I enjoy your choice of names though. Nitrous and Bacon. But why not give the main character a name, equally as unique as theirs?
When you're describing the enhanced chems, it gives me more of an understanding of what it all means and you should do that throughout with your unique jargon.
I like your description of the fight sequence between both Overworlders. I haven't read a lot of action in a while. Again, I did get lost with all the language which kind of made me less interested in it.
I do love the ending!
But I'm confused of who is talking. Is it Bacon the whole time? I also have questions about what he is injecting into the main character and why?
Overall, I like where this story is going. It's so very unique that I want to learn more. The characters do lack identity and description that I'm not sure what any of them look like. I'm not sure where we are. Some of the sentences need to be more understandable for me too. Explain your terms! Separate thought from other sentences. Beginning and end are what held my interest, just need some fillers to keep that allure. Keep on writing though!
An initial note on the protagonist’s tags: After my initial read of this story, referring to the main character as "the gloved Overworlder" for so long got a little tiresome, and then the reveal/shift to "Teched Overworlder" felt a bit gimmicky.
I’ve left my comments in chronological alignment with the story below.
***
The beginning of this grabbed my interest and I noticed that sentence 2 had some nice alliteration, but a couple of things were weighing it down. First, I noticed that it was lacking in variation at the start of sentences.
* His heart was
* He tried his best
* He unzipped
You could play around with these sentences’ structures to get rid of one or two of those same starts and make it read less choppy. The second thing I noticed was that it was weighed down by a lot of 'feeling' which gets pretty far on the tell side of the 'show/tell' spectrum. And third is the dependence on clichés: “his heart was racing […] burst out of his chest”. It’s alright to have a cliché or two, but this continues throughout the story, with his chills and vision fading in and out being a couple more examples. If you can come up with original descriptions that convey these ideas they’ll be more effective than descriptions we’ve seen before and been desensitized to.
When the gloved Overworlder and Nitrous first converse you could sprinkle a couple descriptive things in there to break it up—some parts read very back-and-forth and could be called ‘ping-pong dialogue’. MC and nitrous also had similar ways of speaking. One positive I noticed about the dialogue here was the natural way in which Nitrous’ “Something’s off about you” paragraph revealed more about the world. He talks casually about stuff like “Techies” and “Chemheads”.
Then the fight happens. I thought that it had some good details and description and would be easy enough to follow, but it’s held back by all the technical jargon. I’ll write more about that later since I noticed this jargon throughout the story. One specificity that gave me pause was that I’d already assumed the “sharp, metallic ringing sound” had stopped after the Overworlders were knocked away from each other, but then it abruptly is said to stop a couple paragraphs later.
After Nitrous is killed, Bacon’s appearance seemed very sudden, as if he came out of nowhere. I initially wondered if Bacon knew about this situation ahead of time, but I don’t think that was the case. You could hint at Bacon's presence during the duel or before it although that's not necessary by any means.
I found Bacon’s dialogue to be somewhat more unique, compared to the other characters. He definitely sounds excited, so maybe that's why, but he has a voice somewhat distinct from the other two characters from what I can tell.
Upon finishing the chapter, I was interested in the world but not particularly interested in the main character. I earlier referred to jargon; throughout the story there is a lot of it and for me this was this story's biggest hitch. I get that it's chapter 1, so especially with scifi some of that jargon is to be expected, but too much, and particularly too much dependence on that jargon for the rest of the story to work/be visualized, can pull readers out. Some of the jargon could likely be taken out for now to ease readers into the world, and the items could be referred to in ways more easily understood by the reader that could also make them wonder about it. Of course you wouldn't want to overdo that either. With all that said, the fight did have some good details and description; aside from the technical jargon it was clear.
Regarding grammar/spelling/etc, there were a couple little things scattered throughout, just proof-read it when any other revisions are done. And put a comma instead of a period for when someone speaks as in
* “Hellllloooo.” said …
You could also italicize character thoughts to improve reading clarity. The lack of italicization threw me off in my first read through.
So I didn't like the very first sentence--maybe because it starts right off the bat with technical jargon from the world-universe you're creating, aka: "gloved Overworlder".
Might just be me, but I don't like being hit with technical-world-jargon right away--but rather prefer to be introduced to it a bit more gradually.
HOWEVER... I sure did LOVE the 2nd sentence, "Small slivers of light"!
Loved the alliteration, and poetic sound of it. (I could be wrong, but maybe consider making it the first sentence!?)
You had several other great lines like that which I enjoyed, such as "dissolving on the Duelsphere boundary".
I also liked other nice little touches of detail you included here and there, such as the part where he walked into the shack, and the wooden floor creaked.
I don't know why, but that one little detail with the floor creaking really put me into the scene/place.
FURTHER: I found myself gripped by the initial battle, and actually wondering and caring about the main character.
So, I'd say this version of your chapter is a success in as far as getting me into the story... wondering about the character... wondering about the "Duelsphere boundary".
Thus... I'm interested in this story!
(As you can see at this point I'm becoming more accepting of the world terminology like "Duelsphere boundary" simply because I'm slowly becoming more interested and invested in the story.)
But I've got some nitpicks... and since this is "DestructiveReaders" it wouldn't be fair if I held them back. Although I do hate to criticize what seems like a good story coming along!
But here we go:
Would love to see that expanded more as well. (Which would also help with my critique-point #1 above.)
That scene also added tension... in that we feel it's building up to a confrontation, so by adding more to that scene I think you can wind-up the tension and anticipation in your reader.
So maybe you can play that poetry/magic up a bit more, describe it more... maybe have the marble glow slightly, reflected in that other guy (Nitrous) eyes as he gazes upon it, almost like he is ever so briefly hypnotized by it as well... etc...
But then Nitrous laughs... and finds it pathetic, thereby adding a sudden twist, and surprising the reader who was finding this scene magical and poetic...
So now the reader is then thinking, "Wait... what?! Levitating an object is pathetic? What kind of world is this!?"
That part could be an opportunity for you to get a bit more poetic (in keeping with the theme of a magical world) and present us with a bit more imagery of these worlds.
"His heart was racing"
"the sheer force"
"lightning speed"
"pushed him down to the ground"
"out of the corner of his eye, he saw"
"rushed forward"
"kicked with tremendous force"
"a horrified expression"
Again, these are common in the first couple of drafts, so nothing to kill yourself over, but eventually they have to be ironed out, and the lines that contain them rewritten, and rewritten, and rewritten, until the line finally sings.
Even if you have to spend all day on just one of those lines, and find yourself pouring over a thesaurus, it's worth it in the end!
But for now, you might want to focus on just keep going and getting the story down, and then later reworking the lines (otherwise you might get bogged down in rewriting snippets and lines at this writing stage).
Like "looked behind himself"
which need only be "looked behind".
NOTE: I'm actually ok with wordy redundancy if it adds a poetic rhythm or alliteration, etc... but if it doesn't, then again that line has to be rewritten and polished.
And again, you're only in a first draft kind of stage now, so getting bogged down with polishing up lines is sometimes a thing which some writers leave for the end. (Although some writers have found making the lines sing from the very first draft, or a combo of the two... so depends upon your writing technique-preference.)
If intended as humor, I think you'd have to compress the lines, so that the intentional repetitiveness is more obvious, such as:
"Nitrous threw a haymaker... Nitrous continued to throw haymakers... Nitrous threw yet another haymaker."
Something like... more obvious... would illustrate the intended humor of the lines.
Because otherwise it just seemed like repetitive lazy writing (which again is understandable in a 1st draft as sometimes you just want to get through a paragraph and onward!).
But... his sudden appearance out of the blue like that seemed a bit forced.
Maybe if he was somehow foreshadowed... perhaps?
Like maybe there might have been a sound of someone lurking in the shop... (because maybe Bacon is secretly and almost invisibly lurking curiously around the shop... maybe even a slight squeak of that floor board perhaps!?).
Or maybe during the battle we, or one of the characters catches a glimpse of Bacon lurking and watching the battle astonished...
Something like that, maybe? Not sure.
Sounds like we've got 3 male characters in a row now?
Should Bacon be a lady? Maybe? Maybe not?
Not sure how that would change the rest of the story, but something to consider.
Bacon's over the moon amazement with a cliche line, "I’ve never seen anything like that," might be a bit forced. Maybe something more subtle where the reader feels Bacon is amazed, but trying to hold back praise might be more effective?
Otherwise I feel too much like Bacon is trying to tell me the reader I should be amazed.
Unless of course that's one of the quirks of Bacon's personality (maybe for comedic relief?) in which Bacon is constantly amazed and over the moon about everything he/she encounters?
In which case that could work.
"pulled a metal ball from his sack with his right hand"
Umm... So ya... well...
How shall I put this. Consider: "ball" + "sack"!
Plus do we need to know it was his right hand?
"I think I have a good name for it. Wanna hear it?”
Bacon smiled.
"Railgun."
So... ok... one of the CLASSIC mistakes of nearly all new writers is to mysteriously withhold the name of a character for the story, and then at the end, reveal that character's name in a sudden dramatic moment like:
"And then he said, 'My name? My name is Steve!'"
As if the reader is going to be like, "Oh my ghosh!? Hold the presses everyone! The story ended dramatically with the name... Steve!"
So I kinda felt a similar newbie style effect was going on with the end of the chapter...
The name is... wait for it...
R A I L R O A D !
TAH DAH! Ghasp! As a reader I'm shocked by the name! (In reality the name doesn't really strike me as shocking... so the way you worded it and described, I honestly feel no urge to want to know what railroad is?)
So... look... if you can cough up a magical cool sounding made up word, on the caliber of Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, then you can probably pull that off as intended at the end of your chapter, just the way it is.
But... otherwise you'll have to work with that chapter ending a bit more I think. Just to get us interested in this Railroad thing.
Just to create a bit more of that effect of... there's something... something out there... something called Railroad...
So it's not so much the name, but the fact that there's something else magical in this world that we want to know about.
Anyways... these are just the opinions of 1 person, and I'm sure I'm wrong on some points, and others may disagree.
But all in all great story, and it had me intrigued!
And some very nice poetic sounding lines added in here and there, and with great descriptive touches, and a main character that seems very interesting.
Thank you for your critique! Ah, I never thought I'd suffer from so much from the clunkiness of the first draft, but I suppose this is my first time putting my writing out there. Only my brother has seen it, and he said it was "okay" but never delved into specifics.
I appreciate the comments on the poetic sounding nature of the work, I like to include things like that. Unintentionally I've actually written a lot more songs and poetry than what I really like to do, which is prose, so I guess that might translate into my writing somehow.
I changed the beginning, and I think I'm going to put "gloved Overworlder" later on, like when he picks up the Pipe Interfacing Device with a "gloved hand," only then does he become the "gloved Overworlder," until, like in the comment reply written earlier, he's referred to by his name.
As for your nitpicks, I'll address them in order.
The battle scene does start a little too quickly, in fact, a lot of the action is super abrupt. Since Nitrous is a character that dies in the first chapter, I think I should give him a little bit more character and flair before killing him off right away.
Again, it's another pacing issue. I kill the tension too quickly. Reading it back, it's almost like Nitrous suspects the Overworlder and then immediately thinks to Duel him.
This isn't something the reader knows, but the floating metal ball is something that Nitrous has seen before countless times. Nitrous isn't easily entertained by Psyker tricks like this, especially weak Psyker tricks. It's a typical "Psyker trick" used for entertainment in bartering for Chems. But then again, for a first-time reader, this could easily be translated into a more magical moment. I also use the metal ball as a lead-in to the "gloved Overworlder's" "Railgun" attack. You hit it right on the money with how a potential reader might react. Up until now, no one has done any magic or used any special abilities, so it's important to set the stage early as a surprise to the reader.
There could be more leadup to Nitrous talking about heaven and hell, and additional poetry can definitely be added onto there. This is actually a main theme of Overworld, whether people want to escape to the "Outerworld" at all, if it's worth Duelling to get there.
It definitely needs some polishing. I used most of the first words that came to mind, and honestly you spotted some cliches that I never thought were cliches. I'll find a way to iron them out and make them more creative for the second draft. The first chapter has to be pretty good mechanically. Not that you can lag on the mechanics later on, but a solid first chapter always keeps me reading.
This is more mechanics stuff which I think will get ironed out once I can raise some more money for professional editing. If anything, your comments have opened me up to the fact that anyone and everyone can benefit from an editor.
7)I like the "yet another" suggestion. I changed up some of the writing about that. It wasn't intended to be humorous
I actually know a pretty good way Bacon can be foreshadowed. He could be on the side of the road a little while out before Nitrous's house, trying to get a ride from the "gloved Overworlder." Since he appears later on and implies that he is also a Techie looking for Chems from Nitrous, this makes sense, and gives some staging as to where he was earlier and why he's appearing now.
There's only very few considerations I make about gender and age in this world, and it actually mostly comes down to appearance and choice. Bacon's appearance is supposed to give him this sort of grizzled, older man look, although in Overworld, no one really has an age. To give some context, I'm a young man, so maybe I'm giving away some of my maleness in writing these chapters. And come to think of it, in the upcoming chapters, most of the characters are male as well. Maleness and femaleness actually doesn't play a huge role in the story for the most part, at least this is what is intended. However, this did make me think more about a more balanced cast to reflect that ideology.
Yes, Bacon's line is cliche, but it does serve to highlight the weirdness and novelty of the "gloved Overworlder's" abilities. Bacon is being genuine in his praise and amazement. I actually just deleted the "never seen anything like that" because his monologue still makes sense without it.
Ah, the wonders of thesauruses. I changed "sack" to pouch to eliminate any unintentional hilarity.
Haha, yeah. This sounded a million times more badass and awesome to me, but you've deflated the hype I had for this. The coolness of it for me was that it's a reference to an anime called A Certain Scientific Railgun, and even the protagonist's name is a reference to that series. However, for a first time reader, there is no dramatic tension, special meaning, or punch to "Railgun." I really, really want to make it sound cool, but I must accept this part of your critique as something that it really needs improvement. I'm some chapters ahead and haven't figured everything out yet, but the main idea is this. Some Techies are able to have special abilities that no other Techies have had before. This is actually extremely uncommon and a trait normally unique to Psykers. The badassery of "Railgun" is that the "gloved Overworlder" has a special ability that no one else has, and while he's weak in combat, if he can get off the "Railgun" even just one time, he can normally obliterate opponents.
Ahh, I'm agonizing over this, though. I don't have a good idea on how to make it sound cool.
All in all, thanks again. I've tweaked some parts in the story and I'm going to adjust the pacing of it. The "Railgun" thing will keep me up at night, though. Now having gotten a second opinion, it is definitely not nearly as cool as I thought it was.
I agree with you about that "small slivers of light" bit
First impressions:
The first thing I thought of when reading it was that some parts really need to be italicised. The thoughts of the Overworlder ('I need more', etc, etc) don't mesh well enough with the rest of the story. You might also want to ease the reader into the vocabulary of your world, especially since the story involves many technical details.
Structure:
'Nitrous swung the rod downwards, aiming for the gloved Overworlder’s face. The gloved Overworlder protected himself by crossing his arms and triggering his psychic Reflection.'
I understand that they're all Overworlders, and that you need to differentiate the main character from the other Overworlders, but calling him the gloved Overworlder comes across as clunky and awkward. Adjectives should be used if they're pertinent to the story. Whether or not the Overworlder is gloved doesn't matter if Nitrous is aiming for his face and not his gloved hands. I'd recommend just using 'he' when referring to the protagonist, although that may get confusing because everyone (so far) is a 'he' as well.
'The two Overworlders were flung away from each other a short distance. Nitrous stared at the gloved Overworlder while injecting a fresh batch of the latest Yefetomine. '
Prior to this section of the chapter, Nitrous was not referred to as an Overworlder. I'd assumed that the protagonist was the only Overworlder, and was pretty confused.
Dialogue:
The characters all sound the same to me. They have the same idiopathic patterns of speech.
Setting:
You've clearly put a lot of thought and care into the Overworlder's world, but the overuse of made-up technical jargon made it much harder to get sucked into the story. There isn't enough description of where it's taking place that would make a reader visualise scenes clearly.
Overall:
I came away from the story thinking it'd work really well as a script from a more visual medium of storytelling, like a graphic novel. I would've liked to read more about how exactly the Overworlder experiences withdrawal in order to up the stakes a little bit.
(edited because I forgot to put a full stop on one line)
Wow, interestingly, you and I seem to have read and commented on the OP's story at almost the exact same time, and both of us noticed the same main flaw: technical-jargon issue.
Looks like we also both noticed all the characters were male.
I actually recommended making Bacon a female! (But not sure how that would work out with the rest of the OP's story.)
All that said, I did get pretty interested in the main character, and liked the battle scene.
But I also recommended more of a dialog in the store, and lead up to the battle scene. And also suggested that Bacon's appearance be foreshadowed somehow, perhaps by someone lurking in the store, or the glimpse of someone at the battle.
Yeah, I think your review of it went way more in-depth than mine did. If you'd commented before me, I probably would've just left this post alone.
Thank you! I've talked about the main ideas with friends before, and this isn't the first time someone mentioned that it would be better at the visual medium. My initial idea for it was actually a Japanese "light novel" style, with illustrations every one or two chapters. Of course, Western audiences aren't necessarily used to this, but it could be an interesting way to hook readers into the story and portray the world. Of course, finding an illustrator also costs money, something which I'm rather short on, at the moment. There are some things that are confusing that would be easily resolved by translating it to a visual medium.
As for your first impression, non-italicized thoughts are sort of a quirk of mine, but I understand what you're saying. I changed this in the master copy. In my previous works, thoughts are never italicized, because with the third person narrative, it makes it easy to understand when I'm switching to first person thoughts. Although I've never had anyone read those to ensure that it wasn't confusing! In this case, however, the transition to first-person thoughts seems jarring.
The only way I can think of easing the reader into the world is for a smaller Prologue chapter before Chapter 1 giving a brief overview of Overworld and the type of people who inhabit it. But of course, without spilling all the beans and bashing the reader over the head with a dictionary of new terms to know. However, and going back to the visual medium idea, this is more acceptable in a visual medium. I like your suggestion of easing in. My idea was throwing the reader right into the technical stuff, sink-or-swim style, similar to the Russian-derived slang words in Clockwork Orange. But again, I want it to be accessible as possible and for reader retention to be as high as possible, and if something threatens that, then I need to find a way to alleviate the situation.
For Structure, things get a little bit tricky. The "gloved Overworlder" actually has a name, and there's actually no particular reason he doesn't use it with Nitrous, other than it's an atypical name for an Overworlder to have. It just makes him more suspicious, having such a strange name. However, since he does end up killing Nitrous, he manages to keep his anonymity, at least somewhat. Why this is important, I still have yet to figure out. There's not a whole lot that changes about the plot for the reader or Nitrous to know "the gloved Overworlder's name. I guess it's a cliche way of making a character mysterious, and it causes a lot of unnecessary confusion. I see the movie play in my head while writing, so this is really good, since I'm starting to be able to look at it from a reader's perspective without full knowledge of my world or what images I'm trying to portray.
I need to tweak the dialogue, it's definitely still in its first phase of development. And as for the setting I really need to remember that the reader cannot read my mind and does not know all the details about what Chemists, Psykers, and Techies are. My hope was that the technical stuff would interest a reader enough to keep going to figure out the details of the world, but if details are generally lacking, then it's difficult for a reader to care about the story.
Overall, I think I need to make it a little longer, or at least add a prologue that shifts between various parts of Overworld that sets the mood of the story and gives a taste of the technical jargon before jumping straight into the protagonist's story. Most importantly, I need to keep in mind that a first-time reader doesn't have access to the "Encyclopedia" so terms and concepts need to be placed in careful context the first few times in order for the reader to understand these concepts. Essentially, there are three types of evolved humans, Techies, Psykers, and Chemists, all with different abilities and genetic makeups. How I properly integrate this into the prose is a question I'm still asking myself.