[2361] Soul Catcher Chapter Two

First Impression:

I like the ease of read on this. It's not as interesting as the first chapter though.

POV:

The POV is my biggest question/critique regarding this piece so I'm addressing it first. I went back to your Chapter 1 to check the POV on that. I believe we were "Dan" in Chapter 1 and now we're "Liv." I think this is going to become terribly confusing for the reader. Even if they don't find it confusing, I fear it's not going to sit comfortably in the reader's headspace. If you want to do a George R.R. Martin thing where you're shifting from one character to another chapter by chapter, I don't see a problem with that, but I think that style would be far better done in 3rd person than in 1st.

Besides, how are you going to handle first person when you get all these characters together? In fact, the more I think about it, the more I think it actually *has* to be done in third to work.

Pacing/Interest:

The pacing wasn't bad for me because of the ease of the read. However, as I mentioned above, it's not quite as interesting as your first chapter. I understand you're trying to establish this character's day to day life and her relationship with her mom, so there are some mundane tasks & dialogue going on that simply don't lend themselves to riveting interest, but I think you may need to find a way to garner more interest (addressed further below).

Characters:

What I got out of this character-wise is that the daughter is the responsible one (mostly) and mom can't hold a job and is bit of a mess since dad left. Daughter seems to 'mother' mom, but yet isn't making all the best decisions herself (dealing drugs). There isn't a ton of character description, and I'm good with that. I'm not a reader who needs a lot of visual on characters.

The name Joe is mentioned several times with little explanation of him. If he's not really necessary to the story, it's no big deal. Or maybe you intend to explain him in a future chapter. I was just a bit curious about a neighbor who allows them to sleep at his house when mom doesn't pay the electric bill, but who also turns the girl on to dealing drugs.... and she's going to his house at the end of the chapter. If you're deliberately leaving this character vague, maybe he can be used in some way to generate questions in the reader's mind for interest purposes (interest addressed further below).

Dialogue:

Most of it is okay but, again, not terribly riveting.

Some of mom's responses don't seem natural. For instance, she gasped in surprise over being called out about the bar. But, I have a feeling your intent may have been mock surprise as general gasping seems a bit over the top here.

Then, this isn't dialogue, but an action with the dialogue... when she slams her fists on the table, that seems over the top as well. Yes, she's frustrated but, to me, you've got to be hella angry to react like that.

Also, I'd suggest adding more contractions within the dialogue. We have a waitress and a daughter who deals drugs living in a not-great part of town. They'd be unlikely to say, "I am going" or "we are going" or "you are a..." and the like. You may even consider changing "going to" to "gonna" or making other similar changes to make the dialogue better fit the class of people you're trying to portray.

Setting/Imagery:

This is a bit light on setting and imagery which might be part of why I like it as much as I do, honestly. I'm not a fan of a lot of description. You're heavier on dialogue. That's my personal preference. So, there was enough setting for me.

That said, if it's imperative the reader learns they live in a run down apt on the seedy side of town, I didn't really get that here. Throwing in a few select adjectives here and there might help or, maybe the door sticks when she opens it, or the door knob falls off, or there's cracked/peeling paint somewhere, or the pot has a warped handle - you get the idea. Just needs a few details to make the place, and even maybe their possessions, feel shabby (if that's the intent).

Grammar, etc:

I made several changes/notes on the document itself. There are a lot of filler words. I pointed out a few, but I'd suggest doing an internet search for filler words and then scouring your writing to eliminate them. I also saw a lot of missing commas. I didn't add them because I'm not the world's best at comma usage myself. But, it definitely needs an edit in that regard.

Emotion/Heart:

I don't feel too much in this chapter, unfortunately. I mean, I feel slightly for the daughter having to deal with her mother not being able to hold a job, and just their general sh*tty situation, but there's not much here to make me truly feel for either of these characters yet.

When addressing emotion, in general, if I compare this to your first chapter... well, I felt interest and intrigue in the first chapter. I wanted to know more. This one, not so much.

Confusing bits:

Mom mentions child support. For who? The daughter is 19 and it was a family of three, so my understanding is that there aren't any kids.

Your question about magic:

I don't know what her magic is going to be, but maybe there's something you can hint at? It does read as a vanilla (read: non magical) story, but it's not your first chapter and you introduce enough magic bits in that chapter that I don't necessarily think you need to introduce magic here. That said, a magical element may help with interest. More on that in the next section.

Other:

If you're going to format your story this way with the introduction of each character being done in a separate chapter, you face some unique challenges. One of the ways we get readers invested is by generating interest in our characters and you only have one chapter per character to generate that immediate interest and keep the reader wanting to learn about the next character. That said, in order to do this successfully, I think you have to raise questions in the reader's mind and/or generate a hook for *each* chapter. If you can find a way to leave a cliff hanger of some type, do it.

You were far more successful in generating interest in Chapter 1. I wanted to know more after that chapter. But I think you need to figure out a way to do that with this chapter. Maybe hinting at the magic somehow might work. Maybe creating some intrigue with the Joe character. You let us know she's going to his place, but not why. Is there some intriguing element you can hint at there to pique interest? If yes, definitely use it.

Final thoughts:

My favorite element in your writing, in general, is that I find it easy to read. It's not bogged down with lots of description. It's dialogue heavy. Basically, it's a lot of what I like from a personal standpoint. It just needs some more interest... and probably a change in POV if you're going to make this style of story work.

I hope this was helpful.

It was difficult for me to reconcile what I was reading with your description of the piece. Although in the description you mention they’re living in a bad part of town, that’s never actually said in the piece. In fact, you say they have a foyer, which is typically an indication of a big (and fancy) house. You even said they “lived comfortably.” Are you insinuating that because the mom is a server, and the main character is a drug dealer, that they MUST live in the bad part of town? Lastly, are you trying to code these characters as Black/Latinx?

And with that, I’m confused as to what role she plays. Her attitude towards her mom is incredibly condescending for most of the chapter, and sets up the relationship as child-parenting-the-parent. Your word choice describing the mom (“she whined,” “her shoulders were scrunched”) certainly evokes a child. So my question is, how does the main character feel about her mom? Is she resentful that she has had to take on this role? Does she feel bad about dealing drugs, or does she accept it as necessary for taking care of her mom? Based on the chapter, it doesn’t sound like she feels anything at all. Her attitude is incredibly laissez-faire about her life, and it sounds like she doesn’t actually care about anything. When her mom burns pancakes, she’s dismissive: “I rolled my eyes and shook my head as if to say, this is too ridiculous.” The phrase “I sighed” shows up four times. All of this leads me to wonder - when she meets up with the other characters, will she care?

The entire chapter is devoid of action. The first two paragraphs take forever to describe the simple experience of noticing burning food, and the remaining 5.5 pages is straight exposition masquerading as emotion. The conversation they have could be happening anywhere - outside, on a bus, at a party. How does having this conversation at home, in the kitchen, on a typical morning, effect the scene?

Mechanically, sentence structure needs more variance. The action narration is standardized - “I ‘verbed’” or “She ‘verbed’”. I can certainly see what’s going on in the scene, but hoo boy am I bored.

If the purpose of this chapter is to “set the tone as to who she is, what role she plays,”, then I am kerfuffled. Is she a straight-A, business-savvy young lady with smarts for days who is being held back by her mom? Is she a beleaguered teen just trying to survive? Is she a family-focused, service-centered rock of her family (and eventual friend group)? I think it would help to define her role more, and then consider how that role will transfer, or change, when she meets the rest of the characters.

I approved this but your critique is a lot of line edits. More substance next time please.