Source
r/OCPoetry•
ThoughtsToMyself

Cigarettes.

I take another breath, I take another cigarette.

Smoke rises with regret, but you help me deal with my stress.

I'm forever in your debt, and forever in your book of dead.

I take another breath, I take another cigarette.

​

My love, you smell of death, but you always pull me from the edge.

I wish I would have left, now you're always in my head.

Smoke rises with regret, but you help me deal with my stress.

I take another breath, I take another cigarette.

​

​

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/irbr69/ghetto_supastar/g4xhlku?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/ir9n6z/songs_for_my_poems_haiku/g4xi4mo?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3

Edit: I never expected any of my poetry to reach this many people. Thank you all for taking the time to read my work, it means so much and has been a huge encouragement.

Also, thank whoever you are for the award, that was very nice.

One more, thank everybody who took the time to comment. I have really enjoyed reading your thoughts on this poem.

Posted Sep 12, 2020, 2:16 PM UTC · edited

17336
rudeass_jellyfish•

like this very much - the repetitiveness really makes the habitualness (thats a word right?) hit home, especially the last line where you equate it to taking a breath, really giving a good representation of the addiction and how it just becomes second nature. i also like the fact that you could use cigarette as any kind of metaphor, the line "my love, you smell like death" could totally equate it to a bad relationship you keep coming back to and that adds alot more nuance and depth, furthered by the next line. addiction to anything has always reminded me of abusive relationships and this does a good job of establishing the link between the two. good job :-D

10
ThoughtsToMyselfOP•

I am glad that came through in the writing. Part of what I was trying to touch on was the habitualness (pretty sure it's a word), and the second nature it becomes. Thank you for your kind words!

That is part of why I love poetry. It can mean something different to many people and be just as meaningful to each one.

7
abangbutawhimper•

hmmmm interesting. my first thought was that "book of death" works better with other sounds in this poem (debt, stress, breath), but then i realized that may interfere with a rhyme scheme. what is your intention with the end rhymes? i have: ABCADCBA.

5
ThoughtsToMyselfOP•

I used, "book of dead," intentionally. It is a reference to the ancient Egyptian writing, "The Book of the Dead." It was used to protect the souls of their dead and to help them navigate the afterlife. It is a bit nuanced, and probably won't be a wildly understood reference, but I intended to use the line as a picture to state the danger of cigarettes and that they will leave me dead, but in the same way, to state how they have helped me. The Yin and Yang of cigarette addiction. The reference to "The Book of the Dead" is in that second line, obviously, but it is also in "forever in your debt." It is me describing how I am debited to them for helping guide me through some very dark situations. Much like you would need guidance in the situation of your soul entering the afterlife. I am not sure if I adequately put into words what I am trying to say, but that is the best explanation for my word choice I can think of the words for.

As far as rhyme schemes go, I personally like the way "book of dead" flows better. I used death later on in the poem, and think it would be a bit much to use it twice, as I already use a fair amount of repetitiveness.

Thank you for the feedback, it is much appreciated!

14
Harvest_Sprite•

I related to this poem, I quit smoking for 2 years and picked it back up due to a stressful event I couldn’t cope with and have been back on it ever since. I love the rhyme scheme and layout. I agree with the other commenter on “book of death” working better.

4
ThoughtsToMyselfOP•

Same. Quit for quite a while, and now I'm back. Fun stuff. Thank you much! I wrote, "book of dead," intentionally. If you care to read the reason behind it, I replied to the other guy's comment with an explanation.

5
[deleted]•

[removed]

3
rogues69•

The desire for the forbidden. This is a poem which tells the story of every lover who wants nothing more than to be with the one he loves but he knows it will eventually mean the end of him

3
B_dubz17•

Great job - I really enjoyed the format. The constant conflict of priorities is very well portrayed.

3
ThoughtsToMyselfOP•

Thank you!

1
punkdancingqueen•

the simplicity adds to message that just a small cigarette can cost someone their life. The line, "my love, you smell of death but you always pull me from the edge." almost gives me a tragic romantic theme. I enjoy this piece a lot.

3
ThoughtsToMyselfOP•

Thank you much for the kind words, I am glad you enjoyed it. I thought it might be a little bit too simple when I finished it, I am glad to hear that is not the case.

1
5ibes•

True love is sad and rarely ends well. Toxic and intoxicating. Well done 👍🏻

3
ThoughtsToMyselfOP•

Thank you.

2
giggleleopard•

I was able to relate to this deeply. You were truly able to capture the unhealthy lust of a toxic love. This brought me into a deeper conscious state, thinking of how your play with words can have multiple meanings: cigarettes intoxicating the lungs, giving you the high you so crave, and love itself. Love can be toxic but it is like a drug. Well done :)

3
[deleted]•

I really like the poem. I think it catches what people who are addicted think. a hate love relation ship, how they know it's bad, but can't resist using them.

2
ThoughtsToMyselfOP•

I am glad that was well captured. Thank you for your kind comment.

1
iliacbaby•

What I love about this poem is the cadence and rhythm of it. Each half-line swings to the next with a kind of style that announces itself pelvis-first. I really like it. I also like the verb to rinse, used in your poem. it creates an interesting and good-sounding juxtaposition with the dirty imagery of cigarettes and whatnot. I think you also utilize a repetition well and the result is that your poem hits like song lyrics. this poem is a big success already.

2
ThoughtsToMyselfOP•

Thank you so much for your kind words. It really means a lot.

1
_sissyphus_•

Awesome rhyme, some don’t like that these days but I love it. Ties it together so well, great poem. :^)

2
ToastedPowder•

Never been a smoker personally, though I love how short and sweet this poem is and how it's so easy to put yourself in the subject's shoes. The symbolic phrases you used like "Smell of death" really help give this flavor.

2
liltwizzle•

im not sure how to explain it and i dont mean it in a bad but it reminds me of poems in english class simple and meaningful personally im not a fan of repetitiveness but it works here

2
smari306•

I love the emotions this poem evokes. It has a melancholy spirit. Think my favorite line is:

'I 'm forever in your debt, and forever in your book of dead. '

I also quite enjoyed the repetition; it lends weight and impact.

2
ThoughtsToMyselfOP•

Thanks so much!

1
muaviat•

This poem is really very good. The first line "I take another breath I take cigarette" the book of the dead.

2
Writer1999•

Your poem is very short, but it packs a punch. I’m not a smoker personally, but I can see from afar people’s love/hate relationship with cigarettes. I’ve even been tempted to take up smoking because of how calming it looks. But to broaden the conversation, your poem simply makes me think a lot about man’s relationship to “drugs”. In other words, man uses various substances, both natural and man-made, to alter his state of consciousness. And many people look down on it, but I see it as a great thing in many ways. Cigarettes just happen to be one of the worse drugs one can take. And even so called good substances could be overused or misused. I hope my thoughts resonate with you at some level. Thank you for sharing your poem with us!

2
ThoughtsToMyselfOP•

Thank you for your kind words. And your words do resonate, I very much get what you mean. Cigarettes have not been the only substance I have used, and they can all be poisonous if you allow them to be. Or like you said, they can be a great thing. Example: Weed is one of my favorite things in the world, I'd say. It sparks creativity in new ways, it is calming, and has many benefits. On the other side of the same coin, I have smoked myself into deep depressions, and to the point of just not wanting to do anything. Life is about balance. And yes, cigarettes are one of the worse drugs. Nasty little fuckers.

1
poemsandtw•

i love how after a poem of struggling, the last line is the same as the first line. really conveys the futility of it all. powerful.

2
ThoughtsToMyselfOP•

Thank you!

1
ederiso•

True grit, I really enjoy your poem. It’s vivid and real and quite literally sparks the realism of cigarettes.

2
ThoughtsToMyselfOP•

I see what you did there. And thank you for the kind words!

2
whoeverhowever1•

It took me seven years to quit smoking, the book of dead and rising regret were things that rung very true when looking back on how smoking made me feel. I hate you but I can't shake you kind of vibe it's a long road

2
ThoughtsToMyselfOP•

Truuuue that.

2