Skin as brown as a coconut
Skin as brown as my grandparent’s verandah
Skin as brown as my mother’s chicken curry
Skin as brown as the ground in a tea plantation
Skin so brown I roll my r’s and swap my v’s and w’s
Skin so brown I call everyone uncle and aunty
Skin so brown I add chili to mangoes and pineapples
Skin so brown I don’t use sunscreen
My skin is brown.
Posted Sep 16, 2020, 2:42 PM UTC
yes desis represent pakistani here!!! it reminds me a little of solanges almeda with the owning of brown as culture, as a part of you (although hers is about black culture but you get what i mean). especially struck a note with the uncle and aunty, cause i've spent my whole life trying to suppress that so it hits a note. i love the embracing of it and the grandparents verandah particularly hits a sort of nostalgia all of us have. one of my favs so far!!
Hello fellow desi!! thank you for reading the post and your kind words, it means a lot from someone who is also brown and from subcontinent! I still think of anyone older is uncle and aunty haha I’m glad you enjoyed!
If I may. I would suggest a title change. the repetition in the poem works. The last line didn’t punch me. But hey, just suggestions. Strong work.
Hi thank you for reading and for your feedback! I do think I need work on titles, and my ability to close a poem. I was trying to think of something aggressive but then became a bit lazy and chose the safe route, glad you picked it up! Do you have any suggestions? I would appreciate tips!
My suggestion is this. Ask yourself about ‘brown’ do a free write. Expand its meaning until you come upon something that triggers a deep emotion. That’s the title. Then read it out loud. Really read it like you would in front of a crowd. The last line, well maybe you’ll find that after the free write. Along with 20 more poems! Work hard!
thank you for this strategy! it’s great and i will definitely do this! thanks so much!
I love cultural snapshots in poetry like this. It really speaks to the zeitgeist of the world we live in.
Thank you for reading and your kind words!
Yo another desi here, swap my w's and v's so v rhymes with auntie. I like how you own stereotypes and show them in the cultural light. Real decent poem! But, your last line doesn't really do it for me. Could use something more punchy, maybe play around with structure a bit? Could use a better title too.
Hello fellow desi! Thank you for reading and your feedback. I agree, I think my last line falls a bit flat, I am not so great at finishing the poem and have been trying to improve. Do you have any tips? Do you think just removing it would be better? The title is lazy, I will improve it and I’m glad you picked it up! Thank you again for your feedback!
A while ago i saw a quote from someone saying (not verbatim) "brown skin is always compared to chocolate or shit" and went on to talk about why cant people use other describing words for brown skin? this poem made me think about what this person was saying because you described your brown skin so beautifully without using either of the two cliches (which i did notice a lot of after seeing that quote. people usually dont jump quickly to other adjectives.) And how you describe your skin goes beyond just the surface level and dives into cultural references, this is beautifully written. my favorite line for imagery and phonics was "Skin as brown as my grandparent’s verandah" sounds very eloquent and sticks out in my minds eye!
Omg thank you for reading and such generous praise!! I am very grateful! I am glad you enjoyed and going in to writing this, I did try to avoid cliches and speak from my own experiences haha. Thank you again, I really appreciate it!
i like this. it has a subtle and untouchable strength to it; it's concrete in every sense of the word. i think you should actually just cut the second to last line - it doesn't have the strength that these other lines do - and have 2 stanzas of 4 lines each, a good symmetry.
i can see why the last line doesn't do it for some people, the "my" is not revelatory. i like it, but i could also see it being done differently. maybe just "skin so brown?"
thank you for reading and thanks for the feedback! much appreciated!
I like your point about cutting the sunscreen line, I do think it’s weaker and I didn’t even consider the symmetry! I also really appreciate your feedback on the last line, you’re right about the ‘my’. I will weight it up, what about something like “I love my brown skin” corny haha but body positive
what about something like “I love my brown skin” corny haha but body positive
haha it's a little direct. i think another option is instead of going short with the last line, you can go long, and sort of say that in a longer way: skin so brown it [something something that shows how i love my brown skin].
that’s a much better idea than mine haha, thank you! i will try that!
You use a lot of weak rhymes. like in curry the last syllable is stressed, but in aunty, the first syllable is stressed. This makes the rhyming feel a bit off and ruins the flow of the poem.
Thanks for the feedback! I appreciate it as I only realised now, I will think about it
I really enjoy how the comparisons switch from physical to more stereotypical/cultural, and i think the second to last line could be moved earlier to better highlight that transition.
I see what your saying but that transition is also emphasized by switchin out AS to SO. Also imo, the last line is meant to be the hammer to the point not glue. Putting it between the stanzas is clunkier
thanks for reading and the feedback! you hit the nail on the head regarding why i put that line there haha. I really appreciate your insight!
thank you for reading and thanks so much for the feedback! i really appreciate that comment regarding the second last line and will have a real think about it!