Tonight, I'll Think Of Her
As I breathe through the winter nights
I'll picture a song for you
Of your fair white skin and warm lights
Leading my cold hands through
Leaves crumple before the daisy spring
Slowly mending into your smile
Lightly kissing the gentle breeze
Of the cold seeping into every sigh
A dove flies and drops a rose
Reminding me of your auburn hair
In your presence, the whistle of time slows
And so my cold heart drops, more than I could bear
In passing years that I've mourned for your name
I learned how love is a bouquet of flowers
Flowers that of a color of a scarlet flame
Melting my cold thoughts before it devours
So as I breathe through the winter nights
I'll remember your warmth as I write.
If you have time, please read their works and give a feedback
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/itz3pf/she_knows/
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/iu273f/your_laugh/
Posted Sep 16, 2020, 8:37 PM UTC · edited
95
Great flow and rhyming scheme. I'm a big fan of using nature within imagery and your use of seasonal language brings a flavour to each stanza.
Just a couple of points:
Was the plural of sigh a typo? It feels like this should just be 'sigh'.
This line doesn't seem to make sense as 'drops a rose' seems to refer to a single dove. Perhaps 'the dove flies and...' would work better, or otherwise a similar adjustment to the latter half of the line.
I love the poem in general though. Well structured, great flow and use of imagery and the emotion comes across from the first line to the last.
I see, thanks for the criticism!