If I Gave You My Love
Would you gently hold my heart,
With a humble peasant’s touch,
Or tear my passion apart,
In a tyrant’s callous clutch?
Posted Jan 21, 2021, 4:33 AM UTC · edited
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With short poems like this, I love to see the title be a springboard for the whole piece like you did here.
You get a lot of mileage out of the words you use because they create really quick visuals. The characters are immediately in your head, and you already know their attitudes, motives, relationship dynamics.
Well done!
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I also applaud the game of duality. How the rhyme has direction, meaning and drive with the sensitivity of caressing the symbol of the heart. It all revolves around the proper care we look for in others as much as we provide it for ourselves. I also like the deceiving title which is isolated from the structure. Knowing that the title is intentional to be separated from the rest of the rhyme and rythm, I'd recommend it propels the rythm with a larger syllabic count to create momentum. Idk, something like "If I were to give you my love" it's just an idea in order to make myself understood. I hope I made the point I was trying to make. Other than that, I think it works perfectly. The measurement you assigned it fits as a miniature and if you were to stretch it, then I think it'd also work as well. Great use of 'callous' bc it crisps so nicely with 'clutch'. I loved it! Keep it up!
Edit: the symbol of the heart was so intense in my mind that I made a mistake in my "suggestion" misquoting the poem. Truly sorry 😓
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This one's lovely! It's short and impactful, really beautiful work
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I like that the title fit into the poem itself.
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I like this contrast between peasants and tyrants, showing peasants as gentle and tyrants as cruel, especially with the emphasis the the humility of the peasant.
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This is really pretty, and I love the imagery. A peasant of love would be the kind of person who, not having had much of it, would treasure your love. The tyrant, on the other hand, takes your love for granted and spends it like currency. Great stuff
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I love the shortness and simplicity in combination with the complicated lanuage. It feels a lot like it was written a long time ago, but it is still a big question in life. I really enjoyed reading your poem, especially because of how much everyone can relate to it. Keep writing!
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i like this a lot, it makes me think of one word: privilege. of course someone who got plenty of something will not think twice on how they handle it, but someone deprived will likely shield it with every fiber of their being, afraid to not even breath near it.
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I like the simplicity of this poem - especially how you’ve separated the poem with the juxtaposition of the peasant and the tyrant, each designated two lines. The title as the first line prevents breaking up this dual structure.
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I love how you used peasant and tyrant as the contrast. The humble touch showing how a new love is a blessing. Verse the tyrant who views it as a possession. Something rightfully his to do what he pleased with.
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I love the important contrast between control and care, and I like the vulnerability that is present in even raising the question. I wonder if tear and clutch could be more directly related. Maybe replacing tear and apart with imagery related to squeezing could make this great little poem even better. Thanks for sharing!
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given that i’d like to keep the sharp “t” to match with “tyrant” in the line below, how would “twist” work in the place of “tear,” do you think?
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I might prefer 'tear' still, tbh. You bring up a good point about the sharp "t." Additionally, I like that tear doesn't call attention to itself. It flows well to the tyrants callous clutch without taking me out of the poem at all. Twist would slow me down. I'd wonder what it means to twist passion apart?.
Maybe my initial suggestion is something to just plug away in the back of your mind. Your poem really is marvelous as it is.
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Simple but beautiful, it’s a lovely description of the ‘what if’ we have inside whenever we enter a new relationship. Perhaps even an old one
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Very good work. You use a lot of nice techniques in such a few lines.
I'd love to see the responce from her suitor ( I'm assuming she)
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i really like this poem. it reminds me of a quote i saw that said something along the lines of “love is giving someone the power to destroy you, and trusting them not to.” i think i (and lots of others) can really relate to this poem, not just in a romantic sense. great work!
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This perfectly captures that questioning feeling of when you’ve recently had your heart broken, but have also met someone that you get along with well.
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The description “humble peasants touch” is so beautiful and paints such a clear pictures.
I legitimately have nothing bad to say about this poem, be proud of it!
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I love the the imagery of a gentle peasant juxtaposed with a tyrants callous clutch, it makes for such interesting emotive response from me
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I enjoy the imagery of a peasant touching something fragile and new; like they've never held something as precious before. But at the same time is something that a tyrant has held many times over and disregards it as something mundane. Maybe a fruit, or something else. But I enjoy the mental gymnastics this evokes
I imagined a prince and commoner girl in love, each in a different social world at war, the girl is captured and is now face to face with the prince, sword to her throat and the king tells the prince to choose between his destiny as heir apparent or pursue his love with a peasant girl and live a life of poverty and she tells him the contents of the poem. If he goes with her, he will have made the kind choice and his humility, and any other aspect of his self will remain, not disappear along with his titles and nobility.
His other choice is to become a tyrant, sacrifice her life in his pursuit of power and materialism, cold, hard cash over a warm, soft humble touch. External or internal fulfilment depending on whether he chooses his materialistic luxuries or his love and emotional fulfilment.
Wow I didn’t realise as I was writing this but I sound like an absolute wanker, I’m sorry, this is just what came to mind haha :)
Edit: changed Titan to tyrant