Source
r/OCPoetry•
Frances2002

When I tell you

Before I tell you I love you

I want our hands to be wrinkled and thin

Your grandmother's ring on my grandmother finger

Rocking along in our chairs

like the rolling waves of our tumultuous youth

​

Before I tell you I love you

I want our daughter to have your eyes, my nose

Bundle her up, three jackets safe

before we let her play in the snow

​

Before I tell you I love you

I want it to rain on our wedding day

and we'll laugh and we'll shiver

and dance anyway

​

And when I tell you I love you

It will feel like our first kiss

in the back of your mom's car

our minds open like scrapbooks

waiting to be written in

​

​

1:

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/li1txi/one_imagined_evening/gn155in?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3

2:

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/li4p5a/mediocrity_in_a_minor/gn15g0r?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3

Posted Feb 12, 2021, 6:11 AM UTC · edited

12931
fragilia342•

This was a very warm poem to read for the weather. It felt really sweet and dreamy with a mixture of both reminiscence for the past and anticipation for the future of the relationship. I also enjoyed the repetition that you kept with every stanza that built up towards the ending with the title of the poem. Well done! I would love to see more of your writing (:

15
Afrocircus2•

You expressed how deeply the words “I love you” mean to you. They aren’t words that can be said cheaply for fun. To you, they aren’t words just said as a laughable accident. One must be intentional with those words, because they convey true affection from the depths of your soul. I really enjoyed reading this poem and understanding your perspective!

11
kojack60•

Conditional comes to mind. That these events need to happen before the writer tells the subject that they love them. I wonder if any relationship would survive many years without knowing the commitment and emotion one feels for another. Maybe missing out the "before" might be more.

3
Photogenes•

What if it’s not literal? What if the author means they need to be able see this future before them with the potential S/O before they can give them their heart/ say the words and affirm their allegiance? That’s where my mind went with it. But only the OP knows their intent ♥️

4
kojack60•

Surely that is a possibility. We all hope for a great future when we start upon an endeavor, little do we know the depths our choice finds us in and it's magnitude as in example below:

I noticed a lovely woman and her equally delightful daughter dancing with joy on the dance floor. My friend, a health care worker said, "I wonder who's child support case that child is". A 75% chance she was correct. Yes, I guess you could be right.

0
Frances2002OP•

Thankyou for your comment! I wrote this poem feeling a little lonely as a college student far from home and I was reflecting about how hard it is for me to tell people I have loved in the past that I love them. It’s not that my love is conditional, it’s just that I carry so much in the idea that I never feel ready to say it. Conditional is a great way to interpret this though! I think that is definitely something that can be taken away from this poem.

4
asearchforyou•

It’s not that my love is conditional, it’s just that I carry so much in the idea that I never feel ready to say it.

I see this in the poem you wrote and shared. The wrinkled hands seems to speak to a vision of lifelong commitment. The three coats a symbol for the warmth of a protective childbearing intimacy. The back of your lover's mothers car? A desire for the explosive reckless ectasy of our very first teenage explorations.

It's hard to imagine all of these feelings happening at the same time, but I applaud you for carrying high expectations. It's beautifully romantic, and it means more than casually throwing around a certain four letter word like it's a just another convenient way to express your appreciation for syrup and pancakes.

2
kojack60•

Response is welcomed and appreciate the clarity. I wondered once what the word love means as it's interpreted in many ways such as a crush, infatuation, a sexual desire, a flippant idea to long term endearment, a mutual cherishing supporting compassion that last years or simply a care of one's self. In some case, a release from loneliness. We are left questioning. Love is like the F word, 4 letters that have lost it's meaning yet is used with wild abandonment of our senses and so confusing.

1
Photogenes•

I love this! I also love the line ‘your grandmothers ring on my grandmothers finger’ had me in tears 😭

2
J-Pottz•

This was a hearty love poem that paints an honest image of true love. Love is not skin deep and is about family and longevity and it seemingly banishes vanity or solipsism. I also like the fact that the last two lines of the first verse contain the words “rock” and “roll” as it makes me imagine the early rock music/hippy era of love and peace and how those who lived through that are now becoming the older generation. Keep it up:)

2
twatmullet•

This feels so pure. It's lovely. I love the way it takes you back in time through the entirety of a life together, so even though there's an element of hesitation you still feel the strength of emotion. "Your grandmother's ring on my grandmother finger" is such a beautiful line. Great job!

2
Passionate_poet_liz•

I feel this poem! The imagery you use is lovely and clear. I would live to see you do the other side of this, hearing I love you for the first time, i think its would be a beautiful mirrored sentiment.

2
[deleted]•

[deleted]

2
lovealwayslynnze•

I love this take on love. You look at your love and you see all your future could be. I appreciate the rhythm created with repetition. A very sweet, sensitive poem. I would love to see you push yourself a bit more! I'd like to see you dig deep into emotions and show readers what the love feels like. Wonderful imagery! Hope to see more.

2
Sorbet-Vegetable•

This gave me cold chills. Keep writing forever. All the time. Your writing just made someone feel better about there own situation. That's what it's about. Express your emotions so other can relate. Sometimes it saves lives.

2
Frances2002OP•

Thankyou for your kind comment, I'm glad I can make someone feel better about their own situation. Honestly that's why I write, it makes me feel better. Thankyou.

1
LupusetVulpus•

I'll be shot for this but...

​

it changes tone too much.

​

From a old persprective to a young to a hindsight old. I just though it was good but with room for improvement.

2
Frances2002OP•

Hey I love feedback on my work, don’t worry about it! I decided to shift perspectives because I feel like I have all these images at different stages of my life of what I think love looks like, and why it’s so hard for me to tell someone I love them. I definitely agree it has room for improvement! Thanks for the comment :)

1
Small-Strike•

i love the backward progression of the poem! the line in the last verse shows me that while in youth our minds are waiting to be written in, as old people our minds will already have been full of writing from the years of living and loving. but when i tell you i love you, it transcends old age and dusty written-in minds and opens up our hearts to write a new story again.

2
etorii•

Woahhhh I love the ending! It's so visually satisfying to think of "scrapbooks to be written in". I love the setup, the "before I tell you", "before I tell you"-- and finally "when I tell you". My favorite part is one about dancing anyway in the rain, it shows the power of love to create happiness. If there was something I would change, I might have worked towards having all four lines per stanza, and it gives it more of a sense of pattern, like the beginning of each stanza. This poem felt very powerful to me, especially in the imagery, like "three jackets safe".

2
mija444•

I agree so wholeheartedly with the comment that referred to this piece as warm. This feels filled to the brim with love. I especially love the line "Your grandmother's ring on my grandmother finger." That's what drew me in initially. It's nice to read poetry that just feels kind and soft. Thank you for sharing!

2
Spyz4Dayz•

I have to say I really liked this poem, although I couldn't really get the message you were trying to convey I still really love this poem, that's all I can really say about it.

1
365Dao•

Well done. I enjoyed your use of time and your sweet picture of innocent love.

1
[deleted]•

[removed]

1
mee__noi•

I really enjoy this, but don't understand the withholding of expressing your love until later. what am I missing?

I love the grandmother line, took me a second to realize it was not a male's voice.

I will say transitioning from the title to the first line is a little jarring: "when I tell you...Before I tell you" has some incongruity to me at least.

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all the images are great

1
Gwrthefyr•

There is some effective and affecting imagery in your poem.

I particularly resonated with " I want our daughter to have your eyes, my nose /Bundle her up, three jackets safe /before we let her play in the snow..."

My only quibble is the last line "waiting to be written in...". I know we are all poets here and that we bend the language to our purpose because we are the makers that we are. Ending a line with a preposition is always risky though. It left me hanging. It felt flat as if it did not follow the specific and solid imagery of the preceding lines.

Overall, well done. Thank you for sharing your poem.

1
kfjallow123•

I love how beautiful this was and the way you reflected on your love for the people you care about 💜

1