Source
r/OCPoetry•
Siamese_Dreaming

Tea Party

​

My bedroom resembles

a dystopian tea party.

There’s cracked china mugs,

and greasy plates,

and a fuck load

of rusty spoons.

​

The Cheshire cat

comes and goes as he pleases.

He never talks,

only smiles

with rancid teeth.

​

A big stoned caterpillar

blows smoke in my face

every now and then.

He shares his slurred philosophies

while I cough up

neon phlegm.

​

Anthropomorphic playing cards

chase each other

with bloody scissors.

​

A drunken dodo

sleeps in the corner

while fat bastards,

Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee,

bounce on his belly

like a trampoline.

​

As for me,

I can’t remember

whether I’m Alice

or the Mad Hatter.

​

But if I squeeze my eyes

tight enough,

my dysfunctional guests

slowly

dissolve.

​

Though I can never quite

get rid

of the Chesire cat’s

demented smile.

​

~

​

[2am poetry.. sorry]

​

Feedback:

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/mcdow9/too_hot_too_bright_too_sunny/gs3ntdd/?context=3

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/mcwznw/vice/gs5x787/?context=3

Posted Mar 25, 2021, 4:17 PM UTC · edited

9940
ParadiseEngineer•

You've developed and stuck with a solid theme throughout, and i'm really loving the fantastical imagery in this piece. WhatI think you should look at is 'acing the landing' - I think that you could end on any of your last three stanzas, without effecting the purpose, or content of the piece. There may be an argument for ending on S6, in that you're leaving the reader with a question - is the speaker Alice, or the Mad Hatter? - this gives the reader the opportunity to scan back, and try to find the answer. That's reread value right there :)

10
Siamese_DreamingOP•

Thank you for your thoughts! I chose to end on the stanza I did because I thought the lingering image of the Cheshire cat's smile might be effective. But I like your idea of ending on the question of whether the narrator is the 'mad hatter'

5
LincolnWasALiberal•

The imagery creeped me out. But it's okay, because that means it worked. I don't think I've ever read an Alice and Wonderland themed poem before, its so very unique and creative.

"Anthropomorphic playing cards

chase each other

with bloody scissors."

Probably my favorite line. It's so twisted and breaks the conventions of a children's story. Lewis Carroll would be proud : )

8
Siamese_DreamingOP•

😭😭 thank you!!

1
asearchforyou•

Please don't apologize. I'd love to show you some of my 2 am poetry. Let's, um, just say that it's not nearly as coherent as yours. A lot of wolf howling and incoherent pretentious blabber about Cy Trombly and Goethe or Lil Wayne in Mardi Gras.

Anyway, this was a slow build into full on Lewis Carroll. I appreciate that. You warmed me up for it. Didn't just stick your tongue down my throat with your anthropomorphic playing cards.

I see Paradise wants you to end it earlier. PE brings up good points, but I like it the way you wrote it best. Your final paragraph invites a re-read or two as is. I wonder if you are in fact NOT Alice or the Mad Hatter. I suspect you are attached to that smile, the one that comes and goes when it pleases.

6
picnic-123•

A lot of wolf howling and... Lil Wayne in Mardis Gras.

you HAVE to share this poetry.

3
asearchforyou•

It probably sounds better on paper than it is. Hot mess that writing be.

2
Siamese_DreamingOP•

Ahahah thank you I'm glad you like the poem, and yeah I wanted the final para to pose a question of sorts about why the smile wouldn't go away

2
TaliaDelahaye•

I really enjoyed this poem, it immediately draws a picture in the readers mind. You did a good job of making me see and feel your poetry. There are a few lines I might have dropped just for a more fluid reading (e.g. „for ten seconds“). But I love it still, thank you for sharing!

3
Siamese_DreamingOP•

Thank you I took your advice and dropped the 10 seconds!

1
workmartyrwmtMOD•

How did the writer "draw the picture" for you?

0
Just4HobbySubs•

the imagery is incredible, and there's such a strong atmosphere throughout. my inner narrator drunkenly slurred as i read it (a good thing!). awesome stuff

3
Siamese_DreamingOP•

Ahah thank you!

1
AutoModeratorMOD•

Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).

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1
Pinsandweedles•

Definitely strong imagery in this! Love the way it’s written and the minor rhymes that slip in. Minor critiques— 2nd to last stanza, I’m not sure you need the “will” there. Additionally, I think the ideas of the second to last and final stanza are a bit in tension with one another, mostly because I think it’s unclear in the penultimate stanza whether the narrator wants to squeeze their eyes or not. The final stanza kind of plays with that a bit, hinting that they only want rid of the Cheshire Cat, but why that’s the desire of the narrator is something I’m still unsure of.
Well done!

1
Siamese_DreamingOP•

Thank you for your insight! I got rid of the "will". With my last 2 stanzas, what I was going for is that the narrator was able to get rid of the "guests" (suggesting that they're not real) except for the Cheshire cat. As I said in an above stanza, The cat comes and goes as he pleases. And his smile continues to torment the narrator. Maybe this is hinting that there are some demons who we can't control/are a part of us etc. Do you think I need to make these ideas clearer in the last stanzas?

2
Pinsandweedles•

Personally, and at this point I think it’s just a matter of taste, I would recommend making that idea a bit stronger— maybe mention something about the Cheshire Cat still sticking around or refusing to leave. But I don’t think it’s so obscure that an audience wouldn’t be able to glean the intent of the poem.

1
Siamese_DreamingOP•

I have adjusted the wording a little which might make it a bit clearer

2
wonderingwhattodo19•

Wow, I love the vivid imagery you used in the poem. Not really much at all to critique! The only thing that I may suggest would be in the second to last stanza changing “slowly dissolve” into one line to create a more similar flow to the rest of the stanzas, but that is just an idea and I think the poem is beautiful as it is!

1
Siamese_DreamingOP•

Thank you for your feedback and suggestion!

1
P3rilous•

I really feel like this tea party seems familiar

1
Siamese_DreamingOP•

It's just a typical Saturday night really

1
P3rilous•

perhaps we all have characters like this in our lives? The Cheshire Cat would be fortunate to know how he haunts a poet's thoughts

1
OutlanderForge•

Holy shit, the way you drop pieces of the scenery in place one by one is so surreal, if you read this on crack I'm sure that your mind would get blown.

1
Siamese_DreamingOP•

Cough rusty spoons cough

Thank you

1
snipermilkshake•

I could really see the imagery and make connections, would say the second and 3rd stanza doesn't really make sense to me (could be a generational thing) The second last stanza clears things up for me what the poem is about so that's good.

1
Siamese_DreamingOP•

Thank you! It is heavily based on Alice in Wonderland, idk if you're familiar with the story

1
bonkzillathe3rd•

hey! i really liked this. i had this one poetry project where i made a book of 10ish poems all themed around alice in wonderland. i really like your take on it

1
BradGoesWild•

Theme is well-executed, but not my favorite. I think there is a dissociation between Alice and the protagonist of this poem, since Alice actively pursued down the rabbit hole and you are depicting someone with mental illness, aka someone without the choice to go down the rabbit hole or not.

​

Otherwise the poem is definitely well-written. I love the stunted style, and I'm actually about to post my own poem written in a very similar structure! The only thing holding it back is the false equivalency between Alice going down the rabbit hole and someone with a mental illness they can't control.

1
Siamese_DreamingOP•

Hey thanks for your thoughts. I get what you're saying. The narrator of the poem isn't necessarily Alice though, and they don't necessarily have a mental illness. But still a valid point

1
BradGoesWild•

Hmm I guess it was my interpretation then!

Don't think that I thought it was bad because of it tho - I enjoyed it!

1
Siamese_DreamingOP•

Dw I agree with the sentiment of what you said, I did leave the interpretation open to possibly include mental illness so it's a valid critique

1
Aed-Z•

One of the very first post I’ve read in this group, I can only say Wow!! I think that was great :)

1
Siamese_DreamingOP•

Thank you :)

1
zone-out-machine•

Like everyone said, love the imagery especially the cat with a rancid smile. But I don’t understand the theme is this poem about being high or getting lost in imagination or something else?

1
Pegacornian•

I love the imagery and the entire concept

1
aquarihoe•

wow. this was a beautiful read. i really like the way you used more adult themes like swear words and references to alcohol and drugs. i think it really paints the image of the slightly debased and dysfunctional world you’re trying to convey. the alice in wonderland references also does this brilliantly and also conveys the idea of not feeling like you can trust your reality in a way that i love. it subverts the traditional childhood alice in wonderland tale in a way that implores the reader to view the world from the narrator’s perspective. i truly enjoyed what you did here :)

1
Siamese_DreamingOP•

Thank you so much for your thoughts :)

1
William-Poet•

Of course your title “Tea Party” makes me think of Disney’s animated Alice in Wonderland 1951. And later the live action reboot/sequel 2010 live action version with Johnny Depp. My favorite part is absolutely the tea party. When I was but a boy I imagined that I was invited. Celebrating a very happy unbirthday and move down move down. “Why is a raven like a writing desk?"

Then I start reading the poem itself. And now my mind is transported in a time warp to a dark twisted nightmarish Wonderland right out of American McGee's Alice video game.

What Tea Party would be complete without the fucked up psycho trip that's the tea party from the music video "Don't Come Around Here No More". From the single of the same name by Tom Petty. The scene of Alice metamorphosis into a cake and the attendees slicing her up with a cake knife freaks me out to this day! Still my favorite Tom Petty song.

1
AutoModeratorMOD•

Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).

If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry", or "loved it" or "so relateable", please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy.

If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our feedback guide, or look through the comment sections of any other post here, or click the links to the author's feedback above. If you're not sure whether your comments are feedback, or you have any other questions, please send us a modmail.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

1