[3336] City of Silt - Chapter 1 Full - Revision 2

Howdy RDR,

I submitted a first draft of Chapter 1 of City of Silt - a weird noir detective story. Thankyou to everyone who critiqued, I've had a very productive weekend writing a second draft. Read Only, Commentable

Sizzle:

Detective Inspector Robert Townsend is looking forward to early retirement. But that's spoiled when he's handed one headache of a case - a murder that shouldn't be possible. As he unravels this impossible murder, he discovers it's connected to a decade-old hit-and-run, one that he investigated.

And he asks himself - 'Did I let someone get away with murder?'
Townsend tries to understand where he went wrong, and to put it right in the time he has left. But not everyone in the city wants to remember, and not everyone wants him to succeed. There are powerful people in Jabransk who'd prefer their past to stay buried - and some who'll kill to keep it that way.

What I've Done:

Based on the critiques, I've tried to cut a lot of filler and fluff. I've beefed-up the roles of the minor characters, cut the number of leads and increased the profile of the really important clues. I've also tried to do a better job relating Townsend's feelings towards the case.

Specific Feedback I'd Like:

I'll take anything, but these are the things I wanted to accomplish and think are important for chapter one of a mystery story:

- How's the opening? I've tinkered with it. I'm happy with it, but I think it could be punchier.

- Do you have a decent-enough idea of what a Ragman is to follow what's going on throughout the excerpt?

- Despite the supernatural/fantasy elements, the detective work needs to make sense. Do you understand what does and doesn't add up about the major clues: the body and the blood, and the minor clues: the phonebooth, the weapon, the camera malfunction and the concrete dust.

- Do you have a decent-enough understanding of Townsend's changing mental state throughout the chapter?

Thankyou in advance, I look forward to hearing what you have to say.

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Critiques

[723] [2967]