As Long as I Breathe

Tearing thru walls

With bloody knuckles and fists

Tired and aching

And I will never stop

Till these hands of mine someday give in

​

Dust and Debris flying past me

Opening space for me to leap forward

for me to face another obstacle

A spirit not exhausted contrary to its host

​

Breaching thru barriers

With sweat and tears

Weary and sore

knowing that I will never pause

Until this fire diminishes

​

Until the spark doesn't ignite anymore

Till I exhale once and for all

Till the light in my eyes no longer shine

​

Rejoice for the undying flames of hope

That not many seem to witness nor possess

​

As all things will come to an end

This is the last thing that will do

As long as I breathe

​

Note: English is not my native language so critcism about vocabulary use would be nice as well, please tell me if they are fitting or worded good. I want to expand my vocabulary and the ability to use them in a wi2de range, correctly of course.

1 2

Posted Jul 12, 2021, 10:24 PM UTC

83
AutoModeratorMOD•

oh, hi there; didn't see you! you've reached r/OCPoetry; this is a workshop site where you can share, read, and talk about eachother's poetry & etc. to post your own poems, you need to give feedback to 2 other writers. if you aren't trying to share, you're encouraged to give feedback, but aren't required. try to be nice, questioning, and specific. if you can't do that - eat a cabbage and come back later. try to give feedback to a writer without any feedback. lastly, read our feedback guide , other writer's comments, or this author’s feedback links. if you still aren't sure whether your comments are useful ‘feedback’, or you have any other questions, send us a modmail!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

1
AllanfromWales1•

Comments on the English:
Stanza 1 - Bloody knuckles and fists 'punch through walls', rather than 'tearing through walls'.
Stanza 2 - suggest replacing 'contrary to its host' with 'unlike its host' - less clumsy.
Stanza 3 - Perhaps 'Breaking through barriers' rather than 'breaching..' which is a bit archaic.
Stanza 4 - 'Till the light in my eyes no longer shines' - shine is plural, would be OK for 'the lights in my eyes'.
Stanza 6 - "This is the last thing that will do" is a bit prosey. Perhaps "This will be the last"?

I have a problem with Stanza 5's "That not many seem to witness nor possess", not because of the English, but because you don't make any attempt to justify that statement anywhere else in the poem, and it seems a bit sweeping.

1
Small-Strike•

“a spirit not exhausted contrary to its host” i feel like this is a very powerful line about a possible conflict between mind and boyd. your body being aware that this movement will last until passion is gone - it’s weariness is shown very well in your poem.

1