I only caught you smiling
When you couldn't see me
When you couldn't see me look
I would love to hear you laughing
Maybe when you don't think
I can hear you
But it's hard to crack a joke
Without blowing my cover
Posted Jul 18, 2021, 9:23 PM UTC
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I definitely agree that this could be beefed up more, but I really enjoyed the ending and think it fits well
I like it.
Maybe round it out with a setting to set up a question: is it you looking at them that makes them cover themselves up? Or are you both around others, and it could be that you’re asking this person instead of this being a black & white scene, could this be a hidden invitation for you both to be alone together to see them like this?
Hey, thanks for the feedback. Just to clarify, are you saying the poem should pose that question or that it should answer it?
It answers and poses a question: who is the insecure one in this poem? Does she only laugh alone? Does she not smile much because she walks with her head down? Just reminds me of Shia LaBeouf’s monologue in Disturbia if the tables were turned and the speaker wasn’t shy.